Keeping in touch
What are you supposed to say to a friend when they tell you they are in so much physical pain they understood why some people end their lives?
My friend Rixa (a 71-year old German woman who lives in Italy) called me this weekend. I met her when I lived in Rome, and I still write to her twice a month, and she calls me every 3 or 4 months.
During this call, she told me about a slew of bad things that happened to her last year that I didn’t even know about. She got hit by a car. Burglars broke into her home while she was there. Then she was in so much pain all the time, and couldn’t walk well or go to the bathroom, that she thought about ending her life, but wondered who would take care of her cats (please, no crazy cat lady jokes).
She had an operation near the end of June that she just now came home from, and has to rest for three weeks. She said she already feels better, which she can’t believe – she was in so much pain she thought it would never end.
She’s a very serious woman. It actually took me awhile to find out what made her smile (and laugh!) but after that, we became very close. It makes me feel awful to know she was in so much pain, and I didn’t even know about it. But what could I have done? She is not the type to want help from anyone else.
She was happy to be receiving my letters at least.
Themocracy
Interest post because I just had a similar experience. I touched base with a good friend I hadn’t seen in a while (because things have been so busy on my side). Her response talked about how much she’s been working recently combined with some really crappy personal issues. Her quote, “if it wasn’t for my dog, I would’ve taken a ton of sleeping pills a long time ago.” I’ve been battling with her comments all weekend. How can you help a person who’d rather just be by themselves and deal with something on their own? Very difficult to digest – I still haven’t worked it out.
We go through this with my MIL. I know it’s very confusing, frustrating, and sad for my husband. It’s his mom, so of course he wants her to live, but at the same time he knows how much she suffers and doesn’t want her to be in pain any longer. We also know that one of the reasons she doesn’t kill herself is because my husband’s biological dad killed himself when Scott was a little kid. So that’s even harder for him – now he feels guilty that he’s the reason she keeps living in so much pain.
To be honest, I wish my in laws wouldn’t even tall Scott this. I know he’s an adult, but I just think no matter how old you are you never want to know things like that.
You don’t have to say anything – they just really need to say the sentiment out loud.
What you can do, perhaps, is send her a little care package? For example, a little bit of chocolate, a scented candle, a soft pillow, etc… Just a little “pamper box” from you. It’s not very expensive, and it really does cheer a person up. Just an idea.
That must be hard to hear. I know you must feel awful for not knowing and not doing anything, but many people just want to handle things on their own and don’t want other people to worry about them. There is no way you could have known how awful things were until she told you, and now it sounds like things are looking up for her, right? Luckily she had her cats to inspire her to keep trying. I know that I did so well with my cancer because I HAD to in order to take care of my kids. It is amazing the amount of fight you can find in yourself when you have something or someone to fight for.
I’ve never been in that much pain and good God I don’t wanna experience it! I hope your friend is better.
oh man, that’s tough. but as many have said already, there’s not much you can do about it if she didn’t tell you. i like the idea of a small care package though – no matter what’s in it, it’s a very sweet gesture.
Nilsa – Maybe we both continue to check in on them and let them know we are thinking of them, and we care about them? I suppose that would make me feel better in that situation.
Jenn – That is so awful. I can’t imagine dealing with this situation… when it’s family. It’s even harder to take then. You’re right, people never want to hear things like this, but maybe that is the only way some people know how to express themselves? I don’t know…
Kyra – She is the type who feels bad when someone sends her a package because she worries about the money. She doesn’t have a lot, and thinks that since I am younger, I am the same. It’s not that expensive though, like you said, to send something small and nice, or at least a get well card. I think I will prepare the package tonight!
Tori – I didn’t even think about that – that having something to fight for really helps. You mentioned it, Nilsa mentioned it, and I did as well. Maybe I should keep that part of the conversation going, by asking her about her cats, since she doesn’t have any good friends or family in Rome. And it does seem like things are getting better, which makes me happy.
sizzle – I can’t imagine it either! It really makes me sad to know people who feel this way.
Alice – I suppose, in a way, it is better she didn’t tell me until now, that she is better. Otherwise, I would have been worrying about her all the time! I will have to think about what to put into a little package for her
Wow, how terrible……its always good for people to have someone like you though. A friend they know they can call, etc. and put things in perspective, MAKE THEM SMILE.
I think writing her letters is a great thing to do. She probably forgets for a second about how much pain she is in when she sees a letter from you! I know when I get things in the mail its like an instant high. I feel bad that your friend feels this way. You have a lot of compassion, Kim.
oh my goodness, this is so sad. i know some people who feel the same way. that their lives are so emotionally and physically painful, they do not want to go on any longer. we are each dealt hardships, some of us more than others, and it is how we get through them that shapes us and helps us grow and learn. i truly believe this (because, why else would so many difficult things be put in our paths?). though, in her 70′s, i can understand the feeling of ‘enough is enough’. the best advice i can think to give her is to try to focus on what DOES bring her happiness in her life. and what she is grateful for. often, just a change of perspective – focusing on what we’re grateful for, rather than the things in our life that bring us down – is all that’s needed to make things feel better.
Kyra is right. Nothing needs to be said, just keep up your normal communication with her. My guess is that is what she really wants, not something that most people say. She wants personal communication that she’s always known.
she can say the cats keep her going, but you have to think that knowing others care (like you do) plays a big part in keeping her going. I wouldn’t change a thing unless you decide to send her even more mail. That is always a good thing!
All you can ever do is be there, and keep sending the letter that make her smile and lessen the pain somehow.
I agree with a lot of what has already been said. It is probably such a blessing for her to have someone like you in her life. Just be Kim, and keep the communication going as you can.
I have a friend going through a rough time right now and it is sooooooo hard for me to stand by and feel helpless. But another friend said, “Just listen and be positive, that’s the best thing you can do.” The more I share this advice with others the more I believe in it!
Sounds like what you’re doing now is perfect… taking her mind off her troubles is better than bringing it up perhaps?
I bet she put off telling you about her pain until she felt better because she’s a decent, loving human being who realizes the moral weight one places on a friend or other listener when saying something of that nature. Many good people have a tendency to withdraw or at least hide discomfort and pain, not only because they don’t want to risk being pitied, but because they know the difficulties and uncertainty of response the friend faces upon learning of it.
She may be letting you in on what the true magnitude of her pain was so you can know how very relieved she is now – it may be further relief being able to express just that to someone. It’s a credit to you and the faith she has in your friendship and your strengths that she trusted you with that.
I would say, mirror her relief in stride (“I am so happy you’re better!”), and celebrate her and her life and your friendship by doing just the thing your very smart and thoughtful other commenters have suggested, sending a fun package filled with comforting, sweet things.
Just keep doing what you’re doing – letting her know you’re thinking of her and keep up your regular correspondence. I’m glad your friend is starting to feel better. I hope that continues for her.
((((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))))))))))
because I have no idea what is the right way to deal with the situation