I wasn’t even going to mention Valentine’s Day, as it’s not particularly high on my holidays of importance radar, and because my husband is not even in the same state, but… my mom’s mom sent me this awesome homemade Valentine’s Day card, and I had to share it!

Grandma, you know me too well. Running shoes are the way to my heart. I am yours!

(Ahem, I am an Asics girl though)

Also, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I would like to share this story with you. Cute!

And, also in honor of Valentine’s Day (again), I would like to ask you:

What is your favorite kind of chocolate?

I am a dark chocolate girl, all the way. Lately, I have been loving dark chocolate with sea salt in it. Holy cow, that stuff is AMAZING! I also love dark chocolate with orange in it, and dark chocolate covered orange peels. 

*running shoes for this girl!

I keep having these frustrating, uncontrollable outbursts of anger. Something sets me off and I snap, yelling, cursing, storming around the house, slamming things, hitting things*. Generally, being a lot of fun to be around. 

Every time it happens I feel ashamed that I feel so out of control. And even more ashamed that I am dealing with feeling out of control by being even more out of control!

I’ll try to explain that last sentence – lately I feel like I have been caught in a lot of crappy situations (at work) and that I have no power to speak up for myself. When I try, I am further shut down, and ridiculed. It would be inappropriate to go in to much detail (I feel I have already said too much) but I have to say that I have been feeling like I have NO support (where it’s effective) lately, and that I cannot do anything right, despite working so hard. And I tend to stand up for myself, and the fact that I can’t (and have no one to talk to that can do anything, trust me) is making me crazy. 

Feeling out of control most hours of the week has seemed to seep in to my personal life, making me act like I am out of control – the anger, the overeating, being moody and uncooperative (to Steven). It is no wonder I shut down this week and cut off communication with people (not intentionally**).

Making this connection gives me hope that I can get out of this spiral. I’ve got to, because I am really starting to feel crappy, most of the time. I never used to think about work on the weekends, or after work, yet I am. Interestingly, I made the revelation that this was happening to me last February, around the same time. The fact that I cannot remember what the big deal was then, also gives me hope that this will all end soon.

So, kind of switching gears, I want to talk about control, and how it seems to be such a big issue for me. Internally, I seem to always need to have some feeling of control, even if it’s a facade. And the control I want seems to be focused on two things – controlling my schedule, and doing what I want to do. 

So on Monday, when my trip was canceled, and my schedule got all messed up, well, you can see why that made me crazy. I am unfortunately anal about my schedule, when I really don’t need to be. Be more liquid, right (I never said that was my goal, although maybe it should be)? Why is it that I have it set in my head what my day is going to be, and that I struggle so much when that is thrown off?***

I think part of that is because I commute. So I have to plan my day out. Wake up between 4:00-4:30. Catch the train. Work 7:00-4:30 (or 6:30-4:00), get home by 6:00, exercise or cook dinner, watch a movie with Steven, sleep. I feel like I don’t have much free time so I have to really work my schedule in to fit in the things I want to do.

And that is the other control struggle. I constantly feel like I am not getting to do the things I want to do. But if you asked me right now what I wanted to do? Well, I wouldn’t know what to tell you (except, go back to bed)! Running is always my first answer. But I think I have had a newsflash lately - running is not enough.

Yikes! It feels weird to type that out. But I think it’s true! Running cannot be my only hobby, my only “me” time! Erin and I were talking about how it appears that we have so much us-time and down-time because we work out so much, but to us, working out is something we as essential. We have to fit it in most days of the week, to feel good. We enjoy it, yes, don’t get us wrong, and it is fun, but it is not as relaxing as sitting on the couch, or meditating, or diving in to a book. 

This is getting way too long. To sum it up:

• I feel like I have no control over certain situations in my life right now
• That is making me feel out of control in other areas of my life (and making me generally unhappy)
• I have an innate need to control my schedule and get to do what I want to do
• Yet I don’t know what I want to do

Conclusion:

I need a vacation (and a break from adult responsibilities!) – that is what fixed me last year.

The good news:

I have a vacation planned to see my best friend in NYC. And I get to spend the whole day tomorrow with my best friend out here. Boo yah. 

Do you struggle with feeling in control? Or are you more easy going than me?

Thanks for reading this. I feel better after typing it out. Blogging is therapeutic for me. 

*Never people or animals.
**I feel so awful. My older brother came in to town this week and foudn out he would on Monday. He tried to text me to let me know but couldn’t get a hold of me because my phone was broken. He said “Oh, Kim must not care I am coming. That’s nice.” . He said this totally jokingly but it made me feel bad! I did see him Thursday night, after he got a hold of Steven.
***Another reason I should never have kids – I don’t know how to be flexible with my schedule at all! 

• My head was in outer space last week, and I accidentally sent back our unopened Netflix DVD without realizing it (I thought it was one we had already watched). I was bummed on Friday night when I found out we didn’t get to watch Contagion since I sent it back. Duh. Has anyone else ever sent back their unopened Netflix movie by accident?
• We did get to watch Contagion on Tuesday night (Netflix sent it back to us). 
• Speaking of movies, Erin had a really fun idea for a rating system if I start to do movie reviews here. Maybe I will work on that at the end of the month!
• In case Monday was not already bad enough (after the canceled trip fiasco), I decided to ruin my phone by spilling a bottle of water on my wallet, which my phone was in. Oops. Actually, this doesn’t bother me too much – I was feeling anti-social anyway. The only bad part is that my phone was my MP3 player!
• The good news – I did take the canceled trip as a cue to take it easy and did not schedule any extra lunches, or evening plans this week. I have felt like I’ve had more free time. 
• Binge free February did not start out so well. I am really struggling and don’t like talking about it. I actually bought a food journal - something that has never worked for me in the past, but I am willing to give it another try! The journal came yesterday. It has a huge instruction section with weight loss tips, and it even comes with “stickers to conceal that you are using a diet journal” (see cover sticker that says that). I find the stickers very humorous. 

• Kind of related: I thought this article on mindful eating and Buddhism to be interesting. Put  your fork down between bites, think about what you are eating – so simple, but hard for me.
• Did I mention I have an assistant at work? But only when I work from home:

• What do you guys think of my “Random Thoughts Thursday” posts? This is just where I put all the little ideas that don’t deserve a whole post… but then it does get quite long!

Link Love:

• I loved Maggie’s post yesterday – “I’m Doing This For Me” – about the people in her life who question her running (is she running too much/why does she run so much/does she have time to run/etc.?!). Lately I have talked to a lot of people who are getting these types of comments about their running. It always surprises me when people are not happy for you when you tell them you are exercising.
• Gina finished the C25K program and can run for three whole miles! Check out her post here. I am so proud of Gina!!!

Other Random Thoughts Thursday Posts: IX, VIII, VII, VI, V, IV, III, II, I.

Seems obvious, right?

This article made me think of my post on online identities (and also about how happy Facebook pictures making you sad), because the study recommends for people who “lack self-confidence” to “accentuate the positive”:

“We do not advocate being inauthentic,” the authors write. But if social networkers who lack self-confidence want to use Facebook to get around their social anxieties, they might want to accentuate the positive. “Rather than posting phony positive updates, [those with low self-esteem] might try sharing more of the positive things that do happen to them, and try being selective about what negative things they post.”

They also point out that people who think positively of themselves and post “discouraged, sad or angry” statuses from time to time, are “swarmed with expressions of comfort and support.” And that people who think negatively of themselves, but post something upbeat, they are “similarly rewarded with electronic expressions of friendship.”

Four thoughts came to my mind when I read this article:

1. People who are moody (or lacking self esteem) in real life are going to be that way on Facebook too. Their Facebook friends probably already know this. Let them be themselves.
2. If someone is always moody in real life, I will probably avoid them (this is not to say I won’t be kind to a someone who has self-esteem issues, but I am not going to purposefully spend my time with someone who is not fun to be around). So yeah, if they act that way all the time on Facebook, I will avoid them there too.
3. Let’s not confuse sarcasm with pessimism.
4. This article seems to imply that people are trying to make friends on Facebook. And that you should post upbeat/optimistic status updates to do so. Who is trying to make NEW friends on Facebook? Really – anyone? I use it to connect to people I already know or have met, and share information. In MWF Skeeing BFF, the author quotes a Times interview from 2007 where Mark Zuckerberg says that Facebook was never intended to help create new friends – it’s about “making communication more efficient between existing friends.” Of course, that was 5 years ago, so who knows what the intent of Facebook is now.

What kind of Facebook statuses turn you off? Do you notice anyone who is particularly negative all the time?

Do you regularly post status updates? About what?

I rarely post Facebook status updates. It’s not my thing. I am more likely to write something short and post it here.

I wanted to link to this post by TooTallFritz – where she emphasizes she would rather have people be real online about their struggles in life, rather than saying everything is all good, all the time. I think I tend to agree. You are more relatable if you are real. Share the good and the bad. 

I wasn’t going to write about this, but I’ve had an upsetting morning, so why not.

I woke up in a fit in the middle of the night this weekend, huffing and puffing and tossing and turning. Steven woke me up to ask what was wrong and I said “I just want some time to myself!” I don’t recall this conversation, but I 100% believe it, because I have been feeling STRESSED out lately about not having any time to just be on my own and chill (and this is not related to Steven or any specific person, this is related to being too stressed and busy).

The reason I wasn’t going to write about this is because everyone probably feels this way – stretched too thin, overworked, too busy, juggling to fit things in… why complain about it?

But this morning pushed me over the edge.

Last week I was notified very last minute that I needed to clear my schedule for work travel this week. I talked to my coworkers about covering my projects, did a lot of extra work to make it easier for them, booked my travel, made plans to see my best friend in the city I was traveling to, rearranged my schedule for this week… basically I was running around like crazy trying to get things figured out. I was feeling stressed.

I drug my luggage on the train and in to the office this morning. I couldn’t turn my computer on this morning (card reader issues – fun way to start the day), so I looked my Blackberry and had a notice the trip was canceled (to be rescheduled).

Because the Giants won the Superbowl (apparently?).

Ah, how ironic that I was writing about “some football game” yesterday.

I HATE having my schedule messed with. I know it’s something I need to get better at, but jeez, this really upset me.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

The part that upsets me is that this was supposed to be part of that announcement that was made about me in December. I feel like I am getting nowhere lately. And slowfuly and painfully.

I am not handling stress well right now, and I just feel like shutting down and giving up.

Since this trip was canceled, I am going to use it as a sign to take it easy this week and not do ANYTHING extra. So I will be a bit anti-social (in real life, not blogging) for awhile until I get back to the old me.

• Congrats to everyone who signed up for the Chicago Marathon! It’s an amazing race! I did not sign up. I am not planning on signing up for a marathon until I get to a healthy weight and keep it off for awhile. That does not mean I am not doing long runs – I am just not training for a marathon.
• For dinner last night Steven made BBQ Soy Curls! They were so good and easy to make! I think even I could make them (if you are new to my blog, you should know that my husband does all the cooking). All Steven did was let the soy curls soak in water, then saute them with BBQ sauce. 

• Data has been so needy and talkative (more than normal) since we got back from Kansas City. I think he actually missed us!

When I was walking back to my office today from lunch, a car hit (tapped) me in the crosswalk. It’s kind of hard to explain what happened – I am downtown, so it’s mostly one way streets. The street I was walking south on to get back to my office goes north, and the cross street goes west. Not sure if this information matters or not. My thoughts are all jumbled right now!

One car turned left (west) in front of me in the crosswalk, because he had time/space, and the car behind him went too, assuming the crosswalk was empty? I guess?

All I know is I was walking through the crosswalk (I had the walk sign – I rarely jaywalk) and this car turned around the corner headed straight for me and I thought “I am going to get hit by a car.”

It was such a scary thought to have.

He hit his brakes, tapped my left knee, pushing me a bit to the right, and I ended up throwing my lunch bag on his hood (my water bottle went rolling down the street). I went after my bottle, then back to the car, sure he was going to take off. He actually rolled his window down and said “I am so sorry – I didn’t see you there.”

Then I cursed at him, because I am classy like that, “Well thanks for not fu*cking killing me.”

Then I walked back to my office. Another pedestrian asked if I was fine. I am. Just so shaken up. Rapid heart beat, sweating, shaking. Fun fun fun.

I came back and told my coworkers and got checked out from the nurse to make sure I was fine. I am. I am just so freaking emotional right now, apparently, I could not handle this. I started crying right away. I called Steven and told him I was fine, then what happened. Ugh. I feel like such a baby and like I should have done something different. I feel like I should have punched that guy in the face. I wish a traffic cop would have been there to give him a ticket.

At least I am fine though. I mean, I have to run tonight!

Facebook photos generally depict smiling, cheerful people having good times, conveying a sense of happiness. Of course everyone likes to smile for the camera, so that good cheer may be inflated or false. As others view the photos, they may believe this conveyed sense of  intense happiness is real, making them think that their friends are much happier than they are.

The study, which was published in the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, also found that people who spent less time socializing with friends in cyberspace and more time socializing with them in real life were less likely to report they were  unhappy.

• I stopped writing the blog post I mentioned in the first bullet, because as I was searching my archives, I realized that I was almost completely rewriting a post from the past. Has that happened to anyone else? You start writing something, think “Gee, this seems familiar…” to have it turn out that you have almost written the same thing earlier?
• I mentioned the other day that I have a really good memory for things that people have said to me. That’s true. But I seem to have no capacity for retaining actual useful information (things I learned in school, trivia, facts, blog posts I have already written, you get the idea). Are you better at remembering factual data, or people-related information?  (<– for lack of a better definition)
• Kelly was kind enough the other day to explain Pinterest to me. I was really not getting it. You all talk about how cool it is, and you could waste days on there, and I am the QUEEN of wasting time on the internet, but I just couldn’t figure it out. I guess I will give it another try. Who else is digging Pinterest? 
• I find it ironic that an announcement about my work position was made back in December and there has been no update about it. Ironic because I am so pushy, anxious and an instant gratification sort of gal – so making an announcement to someone before I know anything about it would be totally something I would do. A taste of my own medicine, I suppose.
• Thanks to everyone who is filling out the blog survey! There is a lot of great feedback on there. I kind of wish I could see who is saying what. I would like to know who wrote that the read my blog “Because I think Kim is super hot.” Ha ha. Do you guys want me to do a post talking about the results?

The winner of the RelaxReflect Giveaway is #18, Leah. Leah, please email me your mailing address (kilax@ilaxstudio.com) along with your choice of skull cap (material, style and color) and I will get the order in for you!

Thanks for participating!

I feel like I am getting buried at work, and the more I do to dig a hole out for myself, the more I get piled on. It doesn’t seem to matter if I come in early, work on the weekends, or stay late – I can’t get caught up.

I feel stressed. I’ve been talking to my favorite coworker about it, my close friends, and of course, Steven. There is nothing I can do but go through tasks one by one. So I do. And I try not to spaz. In the long run, this all won’t matter. It’s just hard not to get worked up about it when I am in the moment. 

When I finally got a chance to look at google reader yesterday, I saw this article titled “When Stress is Good For You.” How appropriate! The article goes over what physically happens in our bodies when we are stressed.

The body has a standard reaction when it faces a task where performance really matters to goals or well-being: The sympathetic nervous system and the hypothalamus, pituitary and adrenal glands pump stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol, into the bloodstream. Heartbeat and breathing speed up, and muscles tense.

How you react to that determines whether stress is harmful or helpful:

• If your blood vessels constrict, your blood pressure will rise, and may feel dizzy as your heart beats irratically (HARMFUL).
• If your blood vessels dilate, blood flow to the brain increases and you feel a surge of energy, similar to getting pumped when you work out (HELPFUL).

You know, I never thought of the physiological aspects of stress. I always just thought of my mental panic. I didn’t think that stress could actually be good for me. This article suggests that you can have some control over whether you feel harmful or helpful stress, by practicing thinking positively, deep breathing, meditating, and regulating your mental and physical states. You know, all those things you know you are supposed to do but forget about in the heat of the moment. 

The article even mentioned that:

Many workplace wellness programs have also begun coaching people to hit “the optimal performance zone”—with enough stress “to be stimulating, to focus you, to challenge you” without taking a physical toll.

Well, that sure sounds nice!

I keep bringing this up over and over (work stress), but it is my way of dealing with it. I hope I have a reason to quit talking about it soon.

Do you most often feel helpful or harmful stress?

Do you perform well when you stressed?

• How does it make you feel when people comment on the fact that you have lost weight? I am always really surprised that people pay close enough attention to me to notice something like that. I see myself in a mirror each day and don’t notice it at all. And I hardly ever notice it on other people. 
• Does your Driver’s License have your weight on it? On Saturday I was telling two of my girlfriends how excited I was that my real weight matched my Driver’s License weight and they were appalled that my weight was on my Driver’s License at all! Ha ha. 
• I thought this short article, The Six Stages of Weight-Loss Grief from Shape was funny. I can relate to most of those, but especially #4, Faux Concern – when people start to say you are way too skinny. That is NOT happening to me now, but the summer I was my thinnest ever (that lasted a month, and I was a healthy weight, I just couldn’t figure out how to not eat my emotions (still can’t)) I got a few comments from people saying they thought I was way too skinny. I wasn’t. They were just used to seeing me heavier. Man, that drove me crazy!
• Last week I acquired three pairs of boots. Nice boots for work, snow boots, and rain boots! Thankfully I got some Christmas money. And of course, you know my personal shopper (ERIN!) helped me out! Do you have all of those types of boots? I have really big calves (17″ circumference) and the first pair fit me awesomely, over jeans, with room to spare. So if you have big calves too (holla!*) check out the link.