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By kilax, January 28, 2010 5:00 am

Have you heard about Dunbar’s number – the theory that your brain can only manage “stable social relationships” with 150 people?

Robin Dunbar, a professor* at Oxford University, developed this theory in the 1990s. He theorizes that the size of our neocortex limits us to managing social circles of about 150 friends – that’s 150 friends that you contact each year and can remember how they relate to each other.

Of course, the study was in the news this week in relationship to Facebook. There are many articles out there saying even though we amass hundreds of friends on Facebook, our brains are only capable of managing that core 150. Dunbar is revisiting his study to see how it relates to Facebook. From the UK Times article:

Dunbar is now studying social networking websites to see if the “Facebook effect” has stretched the size of social groupings. Preliminary results suggest it has not.

“The interesting thing is that you can have 1,500 friends but when you actually look at traffic on sites, you see people maintain the same inner circle of around 150 people that we observe in the real world,” said Dunbar.

“People obviously like the kudos of having hundreds of friends but the reality is that they’re unlikely to be bigger than anyone else’s.

“There is a big sex difference though… girls are much better at maintaining relationships just by talking to each other. Boys need to do physical stuff together.”

So, what do you think of his theory? How many friends do you have on Facebook? Do you know who they all are and keep in touch with them all? Do you think you stick to the core 150? Do you think he is right about the “sex difference”?

I have 112 friends on Facebook. I try to keep it limited. And I still don’t keep in touch with about 25% of my “friends.” The thing is, it doesn’t matter if you don’t keep in touch with people on Facebook. I don’t think that’s the point! It’s more for “networking.” They are not relationships you absolutely have to maintain.

I suppose I am just naive in hoping that some relationships are not ONLY maintained on Facebook.

After reading these articles, I really started to think about how the 150 rule may relate to reading blogs. I mean, how many blogs can you really keep track of? I subscribe to about 350 (and believe me, that number is WAY down!) but can only keep straight the ones I keep in my “daily read” folders, which is probably close to 150 or 200. To me, it just means so much more to read a blog and feel like you know who the person is, even if you don’t have a real life relationship with them. So, one more set of questions:

Do you think the 150 relationships theory could apply to reading blogs? How many blogs do you keep track of?** Do you think you could manage more than 150?

*Of Evolutionary Antrhopology
**As always, my apologies for the prepositions.

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By kilax, January 7, 2010 4:56 am

Gossiping. We all do it from time to time. It’s so fun, yet so wrong… right?

There was an interesting article in the Wall Street Journal yesterday – “Killing Gossip with Kindness.” The article discussed methods teachers are using to quell student gossiping, rampant gossiping on the internet, and the merit of gossiping.

Quelling Gossiping in Schools

A teacher quoted in the article said kids today seem more sarcastic than past generations. She suggests to students that before saying something about someone else, to ask themselves, “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?“

What a great triad of questions to remember. It seems obvious to think through these questions before you open your mouth, but of course, we don’t. And while I have to say – I think many kids are just MEAN – I believe this exercise would be helpful and develop good habits.

Rampant Gossiping on the Internet

The article mentions the plethora of gossip online, and how it can permanently tarnish your image – because it’s online forever. We bloggers are familiar with this. People seem to be apt to say things online, behind the safety of a computer screen, that they would NEVER say in real life.

Professor Daniel Solove*, who wrote a book about internet gossip, was quoted:

Given the times we live in, he says it can’t hurt to reinforce in our children the need to ask: “Is it kind? True? Necessary?” But he suspects that “we can’t make people nicer. So we need to keep pushing legal consequences.” He advocates the strengthening of laws against Internet irresponsibility, arguing that the specter of being sued is the best weapon to slow down malicious gossip.

Can you imagine being sued for what you say online? That seems like an invasion of freedom of speech, but hey, it wouldn’t surprise me.

The Merit of Gossiping

To me, the most interesting part of the article was the section with quotes from Professor Susan Hafen**. She argues for gossiping:

In her research, she has found that workplace gossip often serves a positive function. For instance, it helps people conform: When we gossip about someone who got fired, we learn what happens to people who break the rules.

At the same time, gossip is a social interaction. “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Those are good questions,” says Dr. Hafen. “But it would be a boring world if we always had to tiptoe around, being kind. For one thing, we wouldn’t be able to tell any jokes.”

More seriously, she says, prohibiting gossip that isn’t “kind” may be a way of “avoiding unpleasantness, of fence-sitting, of not rocking the boat. If we only tell kind stories about people, then we may be avoiding holding people responsible for their actions.”

That last sentence quoted is what I struggle with – keeping my mouth shut and letting other people get away with irresponsible behavior. No matter how hard you try to communicate your concern, it can still be perceived as an attack to the person, rather than a discussion of their actions (or lack thereof).

What do you think of the article? Are you going to ask yourself “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?” Are internet laws against gossiping appropriate? Is there merit to gossiping? Do you think you need to cut back on gossiping? (please comment on what particularly interests you from the article!)

Overall, I can say I gossip much less than I used to, and that is a direct reaction to the work environment I entered in December of 2008. But, there ARE people who irk me the wrong way, ALL THE TIME, and boy, does Steven get to hear it. I make a conscious effort to try to say some nice things about them from time to time as well, but yeah, not all the time. I am going to start asking myself the three questions.

Bonus Question: Have you ever tried to remain neutral when with a group of people who are gossiping?

I have. You don’t say anything and they get VERY upset. It makes them feel bad. I’ve been in this situation a lot.

*From George Washington University Law School.
**A professor of communication at Webster State University in Ogden, Utah.

Comments (18)

By kilax, December 14, 2009 5:15 am

Last year, I tried to use the Livestrong dailyplate. Yeah, that didn’t work for me! But I still get the Livestrong Newsletter in my email. Last week, there was an article titled “How to Survive Holidays with the In-Laws” that I thought actually had some good advice.

Ha, don’t get me wrong. I think it had good advice for dealing with ANY family member during the holidays, whether they are blood-relatives or not. Here’s the short version of the tips (which focus on when family visit):

1. Communicate your needs in a gentle, but confident manner.
2. Stick Together.
3. Find out what works and stick to it.
4. Trade holiday traditions with your in-laws.
5. Try not to take criticism personally.
6. Accept or redirect offerings of help.
7. Remember that the visit is temporary.

I suggest looking at the article for the full description!

The one I think I need to work on the most is tip #5 – try not to take criticism personally. The full tip says:

Try not to take criticism personally. As long as a mother- or father-in-law is not abusive in his comments and critiques, let his advice cause as little emotional defensiveness in you as possible. Handle his suggestions the same as you would from any other adult.

I have major issues with people telling me how to do things. Especially in the kitchen. Which is funny, because I know nothing about being in the kitchen. I just always feel so defensive when people stop me in the middle of doing something and tell me to do it another way.

Are any of these tips things you need to work on? What is your method for having a stress-free family gathering? Any crazy stories you want to share?

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By kilax, November 25, 2009 5:28 am

First of all, can you believe Thanksgiving is tomorrow? It feels like just yesterday I was looking for friends at the Chicago Marathon. The holiday really snuck up on me – probably because we aren’t doing much of anything tomorrow! Well, we’re running a 5K, maybe volunteering to box canned goods (if we aren’t all sweaty), checking in on Diane’s babies (cats) and picking up my sister at the O’Hare (returning from Cancun), but we’re not actually having the big meal until Friday, when we can celebrate with my sister and her friend.

What are your Thanksgiving plans? Traveling to see family/friends? Hosting? Sleeping in and lazing around all day?

On to Facebook. I’m sure you heard the story about the Canadian woman who says she lost her benefits (she was on long-term leave for depression) after her insurance agency found photos of her having fun on Facebook (story here).

According to the woman, Nathalie Blanchard, her insurance agent found photos on Facebook of her on holiday, at Chippendales, and at a birthday party, and that was evidence that she was well enough to go back to work. They cut off her sick-leave benefits this fall.

Blanchard says her doctor recommended she go on holiday to cheer up, and that she went when she was feeling particularly low.

The insurance agent said they would never deny a claim based on a website like Facebook. Blanchard’s case is going before the Quebec Superior Court next month.

What is your opinion on this story?

A few thoughts come to my mind. My cynical side can definitely imagine someone milking sick-leave benefits for all they are worth. Some people are just lazy and abusive of privileges like that – you know it.

On the other hand, I’ve been up and down in moods myself, and I know that going on a holiday is a good change of pace and way to cheer myself up.

Either way, it’s strange to think that photos you publish online could have this power. Of course, the insurance agent is saying they didn’t base it on that, and we can’t really know, but we do know that online photos have prevented people from getting jobs (and maybe dates, ha ha). Stories like this always cause me to stop and think about my internet persona. Right now, I don’t think I put anything risky or harmful (to my image) out there, but you never know how things can be interpreted!

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By kilax, November 24, 2009 5:00 am

If you don’t already read the Well blog on the New York Times, I highly recommend you do. The blog is focused on health and wellness topics and updates a few times a day. I always find the articles interesting.

Yesterday, the author linked to an interesting article called “Food, Kin and Tension at Thanksgiving.” I recommend reading it. You’ll either find it amusing, or that it hits too close to home and makes you dread the upcoming holiday meals.

The article is about all of the family drama that happens during holiday meal times – people commenting on you eating too little, people commenting on you eating too much, people sneaking stuff into your food*, people telling you to quit eating so fast, etc. The article gives specific examples, some of which I find ridiculous, like this story:

A Long Island woman, who like others interviewed for this column didn’t want to be named, said she and her family traveled 12 hours by train for a summer vacation gathering with her husband’s family. When her husband asked for seconds, the sister-in-law said there wasn’t any more food.

“There was all this food around, but she had cut us off,” the woman said. “We were just really shocked we were being told you can’t eat any more after coming all this way. We found out later she really controlled food in the household.”

Whoa! Kind of unbelievable, but then again, kind of NOT! People get weird about food, especially around the holidays! I know I felt territorial in my kitchen this past weekend (even though I love love LOVED that my grandma made breakfast).

Food is just so personal, but then again, it isn’t. Everyone pays attention to what other people are eating (makes me crazy) and a lot of people love to comment on it. That’s just the society we live in!

So, do you have any crazy family food drama like in the article?

I bet most of my family finds my vegan ways ridiculous! But, that is why we are hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas, suckas!** I have had people watch what I eat and tell me to eat more. Or eat meat. Or slow down. Or not to use margarine. Or hey, that is the wrong kind of baking powder! Don’t use that salt! What?! You eat SOY?!

Ha ha. The article has a pretty humorous solution at the very end. My solution? Grin and bear it then bitch to my husband later!

*Well, I added that one, but it’s happened to me!
**Just joking here.

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By kilax, November 18, 2009 6:20 am

Do you ever read those lists that pop up on yahoo? Such as:

• America’s Prettiest Towns (the town we vacation in in Iowa is on the list!)
• 5 Signs You May Be a Bad Coworker (no comment!)
• 8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid (again, no comment, but I could write an entire post on that one!)

For some reason, those articles really draw me in. I guess their marketing is working on me!

One of the interesting ones I read a while ago was on “energy zappers” – regular habits you make partake in that zap your energy and leave you feeling drained. I thought the list was interesting. I’ll bold the items I think sometimes affect me:

• Being Addicted to E-mail
• Visual Clutter
• Being Bored
• Poor Posture
• Toxic Indoor Air
• Eating Too Much at Once
• Living in Artificial Light
• Listening to Negative Nellies
• Holding a Grudge

You can check out the article for a full description of how these items are draining and ideas for solutions. Do any of these apply to you? I really think being addicted to e-mail (and google reader) and being bored are the big ones for me. Just spending too much time with the computer is draining! I’ve been spending less time online the past few weekends and have felt pretty good Monday morning.

Side Note: Don’t forget to enter my Homemade Holiday Sweets Giveaway!

Also, Morning Runner is hosting a fun Blogger Holiday Gift Exchange on her blog! Check it out! The more people who enter, the more fun it will be!

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By kilax, September 17, 2009 6:56 am

Shaina was right – Georgetown is the place to hit up for people watching. I honestly didn’t realize DC people are so fashionable… a lot more fashionable than what I see in the Chicago Loop. It’s like a walking fashion magazine in Georgetown (between all the runners). I wanted to stop and ask people what label they were wearing and ask if I could take their picture for outfit inspiration (some people might be flattered by that, others… creeped out). Unfortunately, I didn’t, so I don’t have anything to show you. Except my imaginary DC outfits…

Here is what I would wear to the office, you know, if I had a meeting with an important client…

Oscar de la Renta Ruby-Embellished Dress

Or just on a regular day (I love you Rachel McAdams! Bonus -this movie is set in DC.)…

And here is what I would wear to meet with the President…

Jason Wu Rosette Covered Sheath

Okay, enough of that.

In reality, Steven spent yesterday exploring Georgetown, and we went back to there in the evening for dinner and exploring (It’s so nice to have him explore during the day then become my nightime tour guide). What a neat area. I love all of the old houses and shops. That would be a fun area to live. Yeah, I’m sure it’s super expensivo. I would have to be one of these people to afford that lifestyle. A girl can dream.

Cute colored houses/shops

Remember my old tagline?

DC sure is happening! Too bad I missed this yesterday. Oh, PETA people, you amuse me. Your heart is in the right place.

Comments (18)

By kilax, September 9, 2009 12:25 pm

When I clicked on yahoo’s “Most Stressful Cities” article yesterday, I expected Chicago to be on the list, but I didn’t expect it to be #1! (Duh, it was last year too. I am just a bit slow. A bit.)

I think this list is kind of bullshit, but it did get me thinking about what stresses me out about living here*, and that is the COMMUTE. 50 miles and an hour and twenty minute train ride both ways to the office.

Yes, it is my choice to live far away from my office. Yes, I could move. Yes, I could (try to) get a new job. But I don’t want to. I really like the area we live in. I really like my job. If we move, it won’t be closer to Chicago. It will be to a different state.

So, I don’t really have any room to bitch. It’s my choice. I understand that. And I don’t want to move.

But jeez… am I ever worn out! How do people do this their entire life? I don’t view this as a permanent situation for me. I can’t continue to waste three hours every day in transit, and try to get by on less than six hours a night of sleep. That is TRULY bullshit.

Do you find the area you live in stressful?

I DO NOT live in Chicago. So I am aware that I cannot truly understand the stress of living in Chicago.

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By kilax, August 19, 2009 6:37 am

How ironic that this story came on the news yesterday while I was working out in the gym*:

Exercise fanatics ’suffer withdrawal like drug addicts’

Check out this paragraph:

They reported: “Although exercise is good for your health, extreme exercise may be physically addictive. Excessive running shares similarities with drug-taking behaviour. As with food intake and other parts of life, moderation seems to be the key. “Exercise, as long as it doesn’t interfere with other aspects of one’s life, is a good thing with respect to both physical and mental health.”

The news story I saw talked about how they are not sure if this is true, because it has only been tested on rats**, not humans. Uh, yeah. I am pretty sure this is true, based on experience. What do you think?

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The last time I saw my therapist, she told me to come up with a few things I could do instead of run, while my shin heals. I still haven’t come up with anything. Sleep in? That isn’t really a hobby.

I was thinking about biking. That involves (Steven) getting my bike ready and purchasing a helmet. I do have a giftcard to Dick’s Sporting Goods…

*A few months ago, I was working out on treadmill and a news story came out about the dangers of the treadmill. I think it was after someone famous’s daughter died from a treadmill?
**Which I do not support.

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By kilax, April 17, 2009 5:36 am

When you bake or cook, do you follow a recipe?

According to this article, most people DO NOT follow a recipe. But I almost always DO. I’m not confident enough in the kitchen not to!

Steven, on the other hand, only uses recipes and cookbooks for inspiration. Sometimes when he wants to try something new, he’ll look at a bunch of recipes for ideas, then write his own. But sometimes, he just improvises! He’s a true chef.

Some administrative stuff: On Saturday, I put up a poll asking where recipes should be posted, and the majority voted for a new recipes category, so I am adding that today. In it, you will find Fruit Pizza, Swiss Apple Pie, Banana Donuts, Granola Bars (re-visit the comments section for an update on the recipe!), the Pad Siew teaser and Christina’s Rainbow Cake. Most of the recipes for these items are posted in the comments section or in a link in the post. In the future, I will post the recipes in an extended post.

I’ve also been bookmarking a few recipes to try in the future: Denise’s Pumpkin Spice Muffins, Chocolate Covered Katie’s 24-Carrot Cake Muffins, Nicole’s Cinnamon Bun Muffins and Cathy’s Gluten-Free Brownies. Yes, I like to bake sweets! And I love to share them with my coworkers or Steven’s, so we don’t eat them all.