A picture is worth a thousand words
I’ve somewhat stayed in touch with my coworkers from Italy (I worked there summer ’06). Somewhat, as in, every once in awhile, one of us sends out an email. And, every once in awhile, as in, every six months…
So I was excited when a French coworker contacted me last week saying she was trying to find me on facebook. I know if we are facebook “friends,” our chances of keeping in touch with increase dramatically, because that is what a lot of people prefer over email.
I was looking through her photos and saw a group photo of all of our coworkers at the studio. I looked to see if I was in the photo.
Then I didn’t see myself and felt kind of sad.
Sad because it reminded me how antisocial I was that summer. I was friendly and talkative at work, but I didn’t spend a lot of time hanging out with friends after work.
Okay, I hardly spent ANY time hanging out with friends after work. There were only two occasions I went out with them – for my birthday dinner, and a night in August before we all departed for holidays (because the studio closed for two weeks in August).
My birthday dinner with coworkers in Roma. What a fattie I was! Ha! I miss that Italian bread!
I didn’t regret it then, or feel left out, or lonely. I was volunteering every night. I was super busy and super tired.
But now I look back at her photo, with a bunch of people smiling and having a good time, and I do feel left out. I feel stupid for being so independent.
I feel sad that I don’t have a large group of friends – now or then (or even before then). I feel sad that I don’t connect with people very well.
I like to think that I am outgoing and fun to be around, but I find myself at parties, keeping to myself, not feeling like talking to new people. I sometimes find myself being quiet around people I DO know (only sometimes, but still).
Lately, I’ve been quiet when a group of people are talking about something I know nothing about. And they keep talking and talking about it. Like gossip. Or a tv show I don’t watch. Or how drunk they were the night before. I try to stay interested, and involved, because I would expect them to do the same, but hey, they don’t! So, I just get more turned off and discouraged from reaching out to people.
Oops. I didn’t mean for this to turn into another rant. I just wanted to express how seeing that photo made me feel. It’s weirding me out that it made me feel this way.
Themocracy
I’ve been missing having a group of friends. I’ve met some cool people in Seattle but have yet to create a “group” despite my best efforts. I tried starting a book club but people flaked out. I tried having game nights but people flaked out. It’s frustrating. Makes me want to keep to myself out of pouting.
sizzle – You start to give up when you’re the only one making the effort. I hate that. I really do. 🙁 I guess we should keep trying…?
I struggled with this when I lived in France, but for different reasons. I lived with a host family in a remote village and attended a small rural school 20km from the house, the kind where the students come from far away in all directions. So most of my friends lived 40km away from me and we were too young to drive (driving age being 18 in France). So my experience wound up being very family-based and not so friend-based. At the time I struggled to reconcile myself to that but now I think that it all worked for the best.
Where are you in the pic? I am not kidding. There is not a fatty in the bunch! Don’t be so hard on yourself… you are growing and learning everyday – that’s what we do. If you were going back to this country after what you realized from seeing the pic- I guarantee you’d be different and your experience would be better. It’s the part of life that stinks, learning from our mistakes- but be glad you can – some people cannot, which is sad. And, it doesn’t even sound like a mistake to me, or if it was on your part- not a big one. You are just growing and flourishing!
even when i THINK i have a nice full robust group, in retrospect i always think i didn’t. 1/2 the people from the group will have drifted off or whatever, so i convince myself it wasn’t real friendships, or something. i don’t know.. i usually feel happy in the moment, so i don’t know why i add this veil of misery to my memories 🙂
I’ve recently felt like my group of friends is both expanding and contracting at once. Sometimes (as I told E. over the weekend) I feel like I know all these people and yet I find myself yearning to have more in common with others. It’s like I feel close but detached to people at the same time.
I don’t think I’m explaining this very well…but, I think as we get older it gets harder to keep friendships in a tight-knit little group because people move around and get married and get busy and all sorts of other things!
A: I do not see a single fattie in that pic.
B: You always have an opportunity to start a new, we’re all grown-ups now with lives and even if you haven’t been in touch the quick remedy to that is reaching out.
Maybe gossipy television shows and getting totally wasted just isn’t your thing ~ that doesn’t sound bad to me. According to my father both things will drain your IQ points.
anyway, that’s just my thought.
I know what you mean. As to your 2nd to last paragraph, it makes me think perhaps they’re not the right group for you. i’m not a drinker so drunk talk would get old for me fast. It’s hard finding the right group for a person though.
I find it draining to put myself out there, and if I’m the only one making an effort, it stresses me out which can lead to imagining likely non-existent drama. (and that’s no fun at all) I’m probably too willing to be a hermit for my own good.
live and learn, right?
and i think i found you in the picture but i wouldn’t use the word fattie. i wouldn’t use the word fattie to describe anyone in the pic – you look great!
Jess – It does sound like (from what I’ve read on your blog) that you developed a very special relationship with the family. It probably would be a bit different if you were hanging out with a bunch of kids that lived in the neighborhood. I ended up spending a lot of my time in Italy volunteering at a shelter, and I became very close to a woman there. I called her my “nonna” – Italian for grandmother. Our relationship is not traditional, in that we have amost 50 years between us, but we became very close and I still write to her every month.
JavaQueen – I am in the back left corner. You can see the fattiness in my face. Ha ha. The only reason I wrote that is because I lost weight that summer… then gained it all back (because of stress and lonliness I think). I was upset with myself then for letting myself get that way. You know, if I went back, I probably would try to spend MORE time with friends, but I bet I would still want to volunteer a few nights a week. Thanks for putting it into perspective for me 🙂 You’re like my personal therapist! 🙂
Alice – I think we tend to look back at memories and question things as we get older and wiser. You know? You realize you weren’t as close as you thought with people, or that someone was (is) a lot more shallow than you realized at the time. But hey, we have fun!
diane – I think it is normal and healthy to want to branch out and meet new people… and get new perspectives, you know? And I also think, unfortunately, that sometimes, when you learn more about people, you do become more detached to them. You find out things you didn’t expect. Unless you have a well-founded relationship with them (which I think you do with your friends) it can kind of turn you off. I guess I am just quick to judge what characteristics appeal to me. I think I “know” if I am going to like someone. I have learned to be more accepting. A lot, actually. But it’s still hard sometimes. Jeez, now I’M not making ANY sense!
DeAnne – They’re not my thing. But have you noticed that is what SO many people talk about?
claire – I think we’re similar. I also find it draining to continually be the only one making an effort. In a lot of relationships, I am not, but the ones that I am just make me want to stay away.
Gina (Mannyed) – Thanks Gina. I am starting to think I shouldn’t have put that descriptive phrase there 😉
Oh, how I know how you feel. I look back on my time in Austria and wish I’d spent my time traveling with people I didn’t really know. Who knows what friends I’d have today? All I know is that most of those “friends” I don’t stay in touch with anymore. I guess all relationships take a lot of work…
i couldn’t agree with all the comments more!!! don’t feel bad or sad though, like others have said, life is a learning experience and at least you have the ability to learn from it… lately i’ve been “doing inventory” of my friends and i just keep telling myself, everyone goes thru phases, stages, and changes…. sometimes it makes me feel a little better, sometimes not… (boy was that ever not-so-positive! sorry about that!!)
=^..^=
We have a group of friends that we hang out with once a year and it seems like we have a good time, but then throughout the year, we never hear from them or do anything. Both sides are to blame, since we don’t make much of an effort to get together with them and they don’t call us. But that once a year is great.
I wouldn’t feel sad or bad. Those friends you do have and the time you do spend with a select few should be fine. It’s not about being happy with the world, it’s being happy with your world.
Bethany – But you still had a good time, right? I am so back and forth on this. I wish I would have been more social, but I am so grateful for the time I DID have there. It is true though – ALL relationships take a lot of work.
CourtneyInControl – It is weird when a friend completely changes (“goes through phases”) because you’re never prepared for it. And if they change completely, it’s really hard. You might not “click” as much as before. But hey, sometimes the changes are for the better too! Like friends who finally “grow up”…
martymankins – We have friends like that too. We always wish we could see them more throughout the year, but we all live too far away. It’s only when one of us is in town that we get together. And… one of those friends lives near us and we still hardly see them! I like your advice “be happy with YOUR world.” 😉