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By kilax, February 2, 2012 5:24 am

• I am unfairly hard on (read: a bitch to) a few people in my life for no (really good) reason. I won’t go in to the details, but will say I need to work on this. As someone who is often the brunt of someones bad mood… well, I don’t want to be known as that person.
• Food confession – the healthier I eat the more obsessed I become with buying food and stocking up on it. It’s like I am testing myself (case in point – all the stuff I brought home from HyVee last weekend – some was for friends, but come on). This may or may not be (mentally) healthy behavior. Actually, I know it’s bad. It eventually leads to a binge. No more of that. 
• I think I want to learn how to box. For realz. 
• Or maybe be a ninja. Have you played Fruit Ninja on the Xbox Kinect? Fun times! We tried it at my brother-in-law’s (BiL) on Sunday (me and my BiL below).

• Congrats to everyone who signed up for the Chicago Marathon! It’s an amazing race! I did not sign up. I am not planning on signing up for a marathon until I get to a healthy weight and keep it off for awhile. That does not mean I am not doing long runs – I am just not training for a marathon.
• For dinner last night Steven made BBQ Soy Curls! They were so good and easy to make! I think even I could make them (if you are new to my blog, you should know that my husband does all the cooking). All Steven did was let the soy curls soak in water, then saute them with BBQ sauce. 

• Data has been so needy and talkative (more than normal) since we got back from Kansas City. I think he actually missed us!

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By kilax, January 30, 2012 1:44 pm

Please read this knowing that I am physically fine.

When I was walking back to my office today from lunch, a car hit (tapped) me in the crosswalk. It’s kind of hard to explain what happened – I am downtown, so it’s mostly one way streets. The street I was walking south on to get back to my office goes north, and the cross street goes west. Not sure if this information matters or not. My thoughts are all jumbled right now!

One car turned left (west) in front of me in the crosswalk, because he had time/space, and the car behind him went too, assuming the crosswalk was empty? I guess?

All I know is I was walking through the crosswalk (I had the walk sign – I rarely jaywalk) and this car turned around the corner headed straight for me and I thought “I am going to get hit by a car.”

It was such a scary thought to have.

He hit his brakes, tapped my left knee, pushing me a bit to the right, and I ended up throwing my lunch bag on his hood (my water bottle went rolling down the street). I went after my bottle, then back to the car, sure he was going to take off. He actually rolled his window down and said “I am so sorry – I didn’t see you there.”

Then I cursed at him, because I am classy like that, “Well thanks for not fu*cking killing me.”

Then I walked back to my office. Another pedestrian asked if I was fine. I am. Just so shaken up. Rapid heart beat, sweating, shaking. Fun fun fun.

I came back and told my coworkers and got checked out from the nurse to make sure I was fine. I am. I am just so freaking emotional right now, apparently, I could not handle this. I started crying right away. I called Steven and told him I was fine, then what happened. Ugh. I feel like such a baby and like I should have done something different. I feel like I should have punched that guy in the face. I wish a traffic cop would have been there to give him a ticket.

At least I am fine though. I mean, I have to run tonight!

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By kilax, January 26, 2012 5:34 am

• I started writing a blog post this weekend and was looking through some older posts of mine to reference.  I ended up finding this post from December 2010 saying “I see blogs posts of people attending wonderful holiday parties with their close friends, and I sometimes I think ‘I wish I had a wonderful holiday party to attend with close friends.’ “Geez, if that doesn’t support the social comparison theory I mentioned in this post, I don’t know what does. My, how things change in a year. 
• Related, I wanted to point out this study which says that seeing happy pictures of other people on Facebook makes you sad. Two interesting quotes from the article:

Facebook photos generally depict smiling, cheerful people having good times, conveying a sense of happiness. Of course everyone likes to smile for the camera, so that good cheer may be inflated or false. As others view the photos, they may believe this conveyed sense of  intense happiness is real, making them think that their friends are much happier than they are.

The study, which was published in the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, also found that people who spent less time socializing with friends in cyberspace and more time socializing with them in real life were less likely to report they were  unhappy.

• I stopped writing the blog post I mentioned in the first bullet, because as I was searching my archives, I realized that I was almost completely rewriting a post from the past. Has that happened to anyone else? You start writing something, think “Gee, this seems familiar…” to have it turn out that you have almost written the same thing earlier?
• I mentioned the other day that I have a really good memory for things that people have said to me. That’s true. But I seem to have no capacity for retaining actual useful information (things I learned in school, trivia, facts, blog posts I have already written, you get the idea). Are you better at remembering factual data, or people-related information?  (<– for lack of a better definition)
• Kelly was kind enough the other day to explain Pinterest to me. I was really not getting it. You all talk about how cool it is, and you could waste days on there, and I am the QUEEN of wasting time on the internet, but I just couldn’t figure it out. I guess I will give it another try. Who else is digging Pinterest? 
• I find it ironic that an announcement about my work position was made back in December and there has been no update about it. Ironic because I am so pushy, anxious and an instant gratification sort of gal – so making an announcement to someone before I know anything about it would be totally something I would do. A taste of my own medicine, I suppose.
• Thanks to everyone who is filling out the blog survey! There is a lot of great feedback on there. I kind of wish I could see who is saying what. I would like to know who wrote that the read my blog “Because I think Kim is super hot.” Ha ha. Do you guys want me to do a post talking about the results?

The winner of the RelaxReflect Giveaway is #18, Leah. Leah, please email me your mailing address (kilax@ilaxstudio.com) along with your choice of skull cap (material, style and color) and I will get the order in for you!

Thanks for participating!

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By kilax, January 25, 2012 4:38 am

Or both?

I feel like I am getting buried at work, and the more I do to dig a hole out for myself, the more I get piled on. It doesn’t seem to matter if I come in early, work on the weekends, or stay late – I can’t get caught up.

I feel stressed. I’ve been talking to my favorite coworker about it, my close friends, and of course, Steven. There is nothing I can do but go through tasks one by one. So I do. And I try not to spaz. In the long run, this all won’t matter. It’s just hard not to get worked up about it when I am in the moment. 

When I finally got a chance to look at google reader yesterday, I saw this article titled “When Stress is Good For You.” How appropriate! The article goes over what physically happens in our bodies when we are stressed.

The body has a standard reaction when it faces a task where performance really matters to goals or well-being: The sympathetic nervous system and the hypothalamus, pituitary and adrenal glands pump stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol, into the bloodstream. Heartbeat and breathing speed up, and muscles tense.

How you react to that determines whether stress is harmful or helpful:

• If your blood vessels constrict, your blood pressure will rise, and may feel dizzy as your heart beats irratically (HARMFUL).
• If your blood vessels dilate, blood flow to the brain increases and you feel a surge of energy, similar to getting pumped when you work out (HELPFUL).

You know, I never thought of the physiological aspects of stress. I always just thought of my mental panic. I didn’t think that stress could actually be good for me. This article suggests that you can have some control over whether you feel harmful or helpful stress, by practicing thinking positively, deep breathing, meditating, and regulating your mental and physical states. You know, all those things you know you are supposed to do but forget about in the heat of the moment. 

The article even mentioned that:

Many workplace wellness programs have also begun coaching people to hit “the optimal performance zone”—with enough stress “to be stimulating, to focus you, to challenge you” without taking a physical toll.

Well, that sure sounds nice!

I keep bringing this up over and over (work stress), but it is my way of dealing with it. I hope I have a reason to quit talking about it soon.

Do you most often feel helpful or harmful stress?

Do you perform well when you stressed?

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By kilax, January 19, 2012 5:08 am

Looks like this Random Thoughts Thursday has a bit of a weight loss focus. Please skip this post if you find that to be triggering!

• How does it make you feel when people comment on the fact that you have lost weight? I am always really surprised that people pay close enough attention to me to notice something like that. I see myself in a mirror each day and don’t notice it at all. And I hardly ever notice it on other people. 
• Does your Driver’s License have your weight on it? On Saturday I was telling two of my girlfriends how excited I was that my real weight matched my Driver’s License weight and they were appalled that my weight was on my Driver’s License at all! Ha ha. 
• I thought this short article, The Six Stages of Weight-Loss Grief from Shape was funny. I can relate to most of those, but especially #4, Faux Concern – when people start to say you are way too skinny. That is NOT happening to me now, but the summer I was my thinnest ever (that lasted a month, and I was a healthy weight, I just couldn’t figure out how to not eat my emotions (still can’t)) I got a few comments from people saying they thought I was way too skinny. I wasn’t. They were just used to seeing me heavier. Man, that drove me crazy!
• Last week I acquired three pairs of boots. Nice boots for work, snow boots, and rain boots! Thankfully I got some Christmas money. And of course, you know my personal shopper (ERIN!) helped me out! Do you have all of those types of boots? I have really big calves (17″ circumference) and the first pair fit me awesomely, over jeans, with room to spare. So if you have big calves too (holla!*) check out the link.

  

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By kilax, January 18, 2012 11:45 am

I’ve been given a lot of challenging tasks at work lately outside of my comfort zone. Mostly leadership and training roles. This is good for me.

But it makes me so, so, so very anxious.

I’ve been a ball of stress lately. Getting ready to lead (okay, not even lead, facilitate) a training. Trying to prepare to run meetings. Brainstorming, trying to be creative.

All of this time, I’ve been thinking, “What is my problem?! I am so confident in every other aspect of my life! What is it about these roles that are making me so nervous?

It’s that I’m outside of my comfort zone. It’s that it’s a change for me. It’s that while I may be outgoing and confident overall, I am more of a follower, than a leader.

Yesterday was the day of this training I had to run. I really prepped hard for it. Right before class, I was setting up with my helper (favorite coworker) and the head training coordinator was there. I was saying how nervous I was for class and how happy I was to have the training coordinator’s help in preparing. She said how organized and together I am, and favorite coworker said that too. I was kind of like “But I am so nervous!” (or something), and the training coordinator said – “The only one who does not have confidence in Kim, is Kim.”

Wow, that is so true. That’s what it is. All of these things have been tasked to me and I keep thinking “Why do they think I can do all of these things?”

I’m still struggling with the confidence, but I am going to keep this in mind:

If you only work on what you’re good at, you may get good. But if you work on what you’re not good at, and make that good too, you can become great.  - credit to Men’s Health, February issue. 

Britt has been encouraging me to keep inspiring messages around the house, and this is the first one I put up this week. I actually read it in an article from the February issue of Men’s Health. The article was about physical ability, but I think it applies to all aspects of life. Get outside of your comfort zone and improve on the things that don’t come naturally to you!

In what areas of your life is your confidence not the strongest?

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By kilax, January 17, 2012 7:08 pm

Or crazy?

I just finished the book MWF seeking BFF (about a woman who moves from NYC to Chicago, leaves her two best friends (BF) in NYC and starts a year-long quest to find a BF in Chicago). I must have been inspired, because after my kickboxing class, I asked a fellow kickboxer if she wanted to grab lunch sometime! Don’t worry – we had talked before class too. But I did look like this when I asked her out:

But I wasn’t making that face. Ha ha.

Anyway, I was going to ask you guys if you thought she would contact me, because I gave my info to her and did not get hers in return. In that book, the author said she always got the info and contacted the other person, because people usually don’t follow up. 

My hopes were not too high, but I already had a text (to my email) when I turned my computer on! Cool! Maybe I’ll make a new friend? She is a runner (that is what started the conversation – me asking about her running shirt) and from a suburb out here, but lives in the city. Hmm.

Have you ever asked a random person out?

I have to say – I do think this is the first time I have! I’ll let you guys know if we ever do have lunch. 

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By kilax, January 17, 2012 4:21 am

How true are our online identities to who we are in real life*? What do we choose to reveal and hide when we present ourselves online?

I’ve been alluding that I’ve been working on an online identities post for awhile. Erin first asked that I write about it when I mentioned FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) in this post. FOMO happens when you go online and read about people doing all these fun things – and it makes you feel like you are missing out. This is similar to the social comparison theory – that we evaluate our own circumstances by comparing them to others. Research says that a lot of people feel depressed during the holidays because of this. They see everyone sharing their celebrations (online or in person), and can’t help but think they are better than their own. Well, that can get especially tricky when you are comparing yourself to someone’s Facebook status, which may only highlight the good**.

So, we know we compare ourselves to what we see online. I bet we all do, a little bit, in some shape or form. In this post, I talked about how I cannot read food journal blogs, because I compare myself. And some people mentioned that that does not affect them, but that they can’t read training blogs. Seeing people having fun does not make me feel left out, but I can see how it would! We’re all different. 

Yikes! I feel like I need to back up. I am already all over the place with this post. And I have a lot to say!

Since Erin mentioned that she thought a post on online identities would be interesting, I have been picking up a lot on people casually alluding to their online identities. One blogger said they have to filter everything they write on their blog because one of their siblings reads their blog. Have you ever filtered what you say on your blog because family is reading? You can believe I have. 

Another blogger said that they doubted what some food bloggers show on their blog is really all they are eating. It just seemed like so little, like the food blogger was only putting on a show for an audience. 

And another blogger wrote that they make sure they don’t write too many “down” posts in a row on their blog, because then their readers start to worry about them! And they don’t want that. But hey, that blogger probably also wants an outlet for the crappy things in life, so what can they do?

It seems to me like these are all minor levels of altering our identities. Not telling a story because family will interpret it weirdly, lying about how much ice cream you ate (or that you ate it at all), making sure the post you write isn’t too much of a downer… we can do all of these things but still be somewhat true to our identity. Don’t get me wrong, it does begin to alter people’s view of us, but it wouldn’t be such a big deal if you met a blogger in real life, then realized, “wow, you eat a lot more ice cream than I thought” (such a silly example, but you get it).

But what about completely altered online identities? People who lie about their sex or age on their blog, in forums, on dating sites. People who pretend they are someone else… even using someone else’s picture. People who completely lie and make up “facts” about what they are talking about. I have heard rumors of a Chicagoland blogger who completely lies about her race times – she says she finished a marathon in under 4 hours but it really took her 6, or something like that. 

I think it’s true that we are all going to alter our identity a bit, but how much? Are we just leaving out little upsetting facts that we don’t want people to know about us? Or are we lying about where we’re from, what we do, how much we make at work? The internet gives us infinite opportunities to define who we are. We get to choose how true that is. And in the beginning it only affects us*** – but as we start to build online relationships based on online identities, it can affect other people as well. 

In true Kim style, I couldn’t write this post without doing a little bit (very little) online research, so I can give you some bullets, and I found this cool online book called The Psychology of Cyberspace. Even better, I found this short article, which gives an overview and some interesting tidbits of the book. Credit for this info to John Suler, who wrote the online book.

• Level of Dissociation and Identity - We balance multiple roles in real life – spouse, mother, neighbor, employee, etc. Our lives are successful when we efficiently “juggle” our different roles.  Our online identities give us a chance to dissociate how much of these roles we reveal. It also gives us the opportunity to focus on one of these roles, and really develop it, when we might not have the opportunity to in real live.
• Positive and Negative Valence - We may choose to highlight our most positive or negative qualities online, as a sub-conscious way of working through them.  ”An insecure, passive-aggressive person gets stuck in an endless stream of online arguments. Others may use cyberspace as a opportunity to exercise their positive characteristics, or to develop new ones in a process of ‘self-actualization.’”
• Level of Fantasy or Reality - In some instances we are expected to be truthful to who we really are, say for example, on LinkedIn. But in a fantasy online community, you are encouraged to make up your character, or avatar. So at what level are we representing ourselves? And the author brings up this interesting question: 

What is one’s TRUE identity? We usually assume it must be the self that you present to others and consciously experience in your day-to-day living. But is that the true self? Many people walk around in their f2f [face-to-face] lives wearing “masks” that are quite different than how they think and feel internally. All the time people are discovering things about their personality that they never realized before. Our daydreams and fantasies often reveal hidden aspects of what we need or wish to be. If people drop the usual f2f persona and bring to life online those hidden or fantasied identities, might not that be in some ways MORE true or “real”?

• Level of Conscious Awareness and Control - We may be selecting a way to represent ourselves online subconsciously. We may do things that appeal to us, without even realizing the deeper meaning of the choice we are making. 
• The Media Chosen – whether it’s a blog, twitter, Facebook, chat, video chat, email – these tools all allow different levels of communication. The media we choose to use will affect our “degree of identity integration and dissociation.”

Online identities – it’s like I have opened up a can of worms. What’s your thought on all this?

Just writing this put a lot of thoughts in my head for future blog topics… so stay tuned! (if you’re interested, ha ha)

*And even writing this, I am thinking, who we are in real life changes depending on who we are around!
**Not to say there aren’t people on Facebook who only highlight the bad. Ha ha. 
***I bet it’s very easy to get lost in an online identity. 

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By kilax, January 15, 2012 9:44 am

I am reading this awesome book – MWF seeking BFF* - about author Rachel Bertsche’s quest to find a new best friend. She’s moved from NYC to Chicago to be with her boyfriend (and eventual husband) and while she has best friends back in NYC, she has none in Chicago. So she goes on 52 friend-dates in one year, to see if she can find a new BFF.

So far, I am loving the book. It’s the perfect combination of her date recaps and research on friendship. I have taken a ton of notes and I am only halfway through the book! It’s given me a lot to think about!

Anyway, I am at a point in the book where Bertsche is talking about how she’s been making new friends, but communicating mainly via email or Facebook – she hardly has anyone’s phone numbers. Then she talks about how she stays in touch via phone with her out of town friends, but when she sees a local friend’s number show up on her caller ID, she wonders what is wrong. She says, “Phone calls feel like impositions of the neighborly pop-in variety” – and she does not want to be the friend “that prompts a ‘why is she calling me?’ “

Data is waiting for someone to call… in the bathroom though? Eww! P.S. While searching my blog for a phone pic, I found this old post where I asked people how they prefer to communicate with their friends. Yes, I write the same things over and over. And it is interesting how things have changed since I wrote that.  

I had to write about this, because I am the same way. There are certain people I talk to on the phone, and I have set up ring tones for them. When I hear my phone’s regular ring tone, I am like “Who the hell is calling me?” And I get anxious. I don’t want to talk to someone I am not used to talking to. That’s awful!

I do mainly stay in touch with my friends via email, gchat, texting and sometimes video chat. I called Erin a lot in 2010, because I was going through some rough stuff, but we are more likely to chat in person or email.

I’ve been trying to call people more this year. I called a bridesmaid of mine in the beginning of January and the phone rang once, she picked up, then hung up. I hope that was not on purpose (because it made me feel awful). I am going to try calling again in a few weeks. 

Do you have any friends you talk to on the phone on a regular basis?

Do you ever feel like it’s an imposition when someone calls you?

I feel like it’s hard to find time to have a good, long phone call on weeknights. I am much more likely to call and have a long chat on the weekends. 

*This link is to the blog about the book – check it out! Lots of interesting posts!

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By kilax, January 14, 2012 5:18 am

Well, really, Thursday!

Do you ever have what you think is a really crappy day, then kind of get a grip on reality and get over yourself?

That was my Thursday. Super crappy afternoon, followed by a fun three-way Google+ Hangout (that is what they call their video chat) in the evening, but I still went to bed feeling upset.

Then… I got a call at 11:30 pm from my sister. She was like “Are you sleeping? Did I wake you up?” And I said something like “Of course I am sleeping, it’s 11:30!” (ha ha). Then she says, “I just wanted to call you and tell you that Will asked me to marry him!”

Oh my gosh. All of a sudden I was awake. I felt so overcome with happiness and excitement. I was so happy she called me to tell me! She told me a bit about the proposal, I asked to see a picture of the ring, then we hung up since it was so late.

But I was so excited I wanted to tell everyone. Like, right then. It was hard to wait for the morning, when normal people are awake. I emailed Steven right away, then got up at 5:30 because I was so excited I couldn’t sleep, and started emailing my close friends to tell them the news.

I got the full story from my sister yesterday. She and Will had been looking at a ring together, and had even ordered it, but she had no idea when he would pick the ring up/propose. There was a  bad snowstorm in Iowa (and Illinois!) this week, so she knew it would be awhile before he could drive (two hours) to pick up the ring. She came home from work late Thursday night and Will told her he had a surprise for her – cupcakes from her favorite place, Scratch. But he said “I accidentally ate one” – then she went to look at the box and where the fourth missing cupcakes should have been, he had the ring box! Then he got down on one knee and told her how much he loved her, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and asked her to marry him. Aww!!!

Christina was totally surprised he asked the way he did, and when he did!

We love Will. I am always telling people how fun, charismatic and easy going he is. He’s a guy you want to hang out with, and I am so happy to call him my brother-in-law! (Well, future BiL).

Congratulations Christina and Will!!!

Oh, so back to my question – I could not stop smiling on Friday, I was so happy for my sister and her fiancé (eek!). It has been a huge reminder that I need to quit worrying about the stupid little things (work) and remember the good things! I think the next time I am having a day like that I will just think about this, and hopefully all those warm and fuzzy feelings will come back!