Still struggling
On Sunday Steven and I visited Fleet Feet in Elmhurst. The employee who helped us was great – very knowledgeable, accommodating, patient and friendly. She did a gait analysis for both of us, recommended a few different kinds of shoes, helped me find a new sports bra, and talked to me a bit about Luna Moons (which I’ve really been wanting to try!) and different ways to carry water while we run. And when I mentioned I wanted to read one of the books they sell there, she hooked me up – for free!
You know what I was thinking most of the time I was there though?
I bet this girl is looking at me and wondering what I am doing in a running store. I don’t look like a runner.
What is up with that? I went there shortly after finishing a 6 mile run. I should have still be pumped and proud of that! I guess the endorphins wore off.
Why do I care if other people see me as a runner, when all that matters if I see myself as a runner?
I DO see myself as a runner.
The funny thing is, later that night, still feeling a little down, I opened up the book she gave us, and flipped to a random page. The first paragraph I read said:
It’s clear to me now that I’ll never have a runner’s body, no matter how many miles I run. Instead, I’m concentrating on having a runner’s soul.
Then, that chapter goes on about how running won’t make you have a “runner’s” body – your body is still your body. No amount of exercise can change the natural build of it. Running won’t make your legs longer, or your hips narrower. You have to be grateful for the body you have, and what it’s given you.
How true. That is the logic I am going to have to use to fight the body image battle.
This battle is constantly up and down for me. I don’t know if it will ever be over, but I do know that I’ve gained a lot of ground. The more tools I can to fight with, the better.
Themocracy
It was very disappointing to see all the research about how “real runners” were already like that before they ever started running. I think that means I’m a “real sofa”, if we follow the reasoning (which makes sense.) On the other hand? I don’t WANT to make my living running. Would you? If your job meant you HAD to run 26.2 miles today, and WIN or ELSE – would you want that?
Some people would, but I’m not one of them. However, because I don’t have that pressure I can sit here like today and know that in a little while I’ll be on the other side of my run (which technically makes me a runner even if I resemble a Macy’s float by comparison) and feel good about it, even if it goes bad.
I always think about Paula Radcliff, when she quit the marathon at the 23 mile mark at the Olympics. A lot of speculation as to why that was… she wasn’t going to win? Is a bad finish worse than quitting altogether? I don’t know what she was thinking, just what it looked like, and I never want to be what that looked like.
I never want to be the person who won’t do something because I don’t look right for the part. I don’t want to quit because I can’t be the best. If I finish something, it’s MINE. I’ve earned it. I’ve earned the right to talk about it, to share it, to BUY SHOES for it.
You ARE a runner Kim, it doesn’t matter what you look like. It never did.
I struggle with this too. I don’t feel like I look like someone who does triathlons. I have no idea what I think that person is supposed to look like but I constantly feel like a fake athlete because of my strange view. I have finished a bunch of triathlons, so therefore I am a triathlete but I still feel like a pretend one. Both of us need to remember that it doesn’t matter what we look like, it matters what our bodies can do. This is something I tell my kids all the time…if only I would listen to myself and believe it for me!
How funny…this exact little scene played out in the book I just finished, The Adventures of Diet Girl. (GREAT book, btw!!! I’m gonna blog about it soon, I think.) She was going to start running and it took her several tries to be brave enough to even go IN the running shoe store…and even then the entire time she was thinking, “They’re probably wondering what the heck I’m doing in here” and she kept justifying her size and body, telling them she was a beginner.
I don’t know WHY we do that to ourselves, but you’re certainly not alone! Just last night in my Cardio/Core class there were a bunch of new ladies in the back of class. At one point I was struggling with my breathe and I thought, “They must be thinking I’m really pathetic. Clearly I’ve been taking this class for a while since I know all the choreography but I’m still this out of shape. Terrible.” Now, why on earth would they have been thinking ANYTHING like that!?! They were probably way more focused on just trying to remain invisible back there for their first time in class.
Do you read Just Run? Because she talks about this too, similar struggle. You ARE a runner!
I think a goal you should have at your next race is to really pay attention to the runners around you. Because, what I have come to realize over the years is, runners come in ALL shapes and sizes. There have been times I was blown away by the big guy with the gut who flew by me and equally as surprised when I passed the wee girl with the runner’s build. As that book suggested, what you look like has nothing to do with whether you are a runner or not!
Good for you for being a runner! I desperately WANT to be a runner but always lack the motivation to really get into it. Hopefully someday I will be running my first 5K!
And yes, you are DEFINITELY a runner!!!!
I don’t think that I notice a runner’s body, I just tend to notice their strenght and ability to do it. Keep on doing what you are doing!
Running is every bit mental as much as physical. We can’t help our genetics, but I applaud you for having the courage for getting out there and doing it!
any tool you can add to your arsenal to fight the fight is a good tool!!! dc and i were discussing going to the gym (and why i hate it) and i told him i felt like everyone was judging me because i was “fat, out of shape, and had no idea what to do”… dc told me, when i’m at the gym i don’t judge anyone, i think, i’m proud of them for being there, working on making themselves better… that did make me feel better, until we went to the gym again, lol… it sounds like the lady that helped you at the store probably had dc’s mentality (that’s a good mentality to have!!) and wasn’t thinking, she doesn’t look like a runner but hell yeah, good for her (that’s awesome she hooked you up too)!!! i think you’ve made “great strides” (lol- come on, laugh!!) with your body image/mentality!!! i’m really proud of you for coming such a long way!!!
=^..^=
It’s a good thing you went to that store- sounds like a great store! The saleswoman sounds like she knew what she was doing. The book, that was just a light bulb moment, eh?
I look at the pics of you and think you are in such great shape, but I guess it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks- it only matters what you think and how you feel. I’m so glad you read that chapter about a “runners body”- and you are right, this body image battle is a doozy- but I really get the feeling you are going to beat it, over the head! You are a fantastic runner! YOU keep going girl- and the Disney run sounds fun!
Kyra – Thank you for your inspiring comment! You have me all pumped up! For some reason, I really thought I could have THAT body. But do I want that body? The body I have runs just fine. In fact, it feels great! 😀
tori – We do need to remember? But you know what? Every time I see your pic, I think “athlete.” 😉
Sarah – You know, I doubt that anyone thinks about us as much as we think about them thinking about us! Like those women in class – they probably didn’t even notice you! You know? Not to be mean, but they were probably doing their own thing. When I notice athletes, it is usually because I am admiring something, or they did something that makes me think they might be hurt and I want to help them.
sizzle – Is that a book or blog? I’ll have to check it out – please let me know!
SoMi’s Nilsa – You are SO SO SO SO right! And that is the great thing about the running community, isn’t it?! I am going to focus on that at my next race, and maybe even report back! Thanks for the inspiration!
Mrs. Smith – Thanks so much. And you can do it! Just start small! That is what I did. 🙂
Christina – You know, I guess I only notice it when they are “stereotypical” runner. I need to let go of this stereotype! Thanks!
Tony – Thanks! I applaud you as well 🙂 Especially for those outdoor runs!
CourtneyInControl – I love your puns. You’re the best 🙂 You know, when I am at the gym, I am thinking the same as dc. So I (we?) need to take that mentality everywhere!
JavaQueen – Definitely a light bulb! Maybe mine came a bit loose? Thank you so much for your encouragement. I really do need to look at it from the outside and be grateful for what I have and how far I’ve come!