How do I overcome feelings of dread?
Do you ever find yourself so heavily dreading doing something, or (worse yet?) seeing someone, that it sours your current mood? Is this healthy?
I thought about this yesterday morning, as I spent time dreading the afternoon full of work meetings ahead of me. And it’s not just meetings I sometimes dread. It’s seeing certain people. It’s doing other certain things. And with the amount of time I spend on it, and how it affects me, it can’t be healthy.
I live in an unhealthy manner with my mind mostly in the future, looking forward to things. It’s something I’ve been trying to work on for a long time, and feel I’ve somewhat improved in. However, I still find myself with my mind in the future, from time to time, and it’s not always looking forward to things – sometimes it’s filled with dread for things I have to do or people I am going to see.
The dread is based on past associated experiences of uncomfortableness, uncertainty, annoyance, unhappiness… you get the idea. But by dreading a future event and linking it with these feelings of the past, I am only bringing those feelings in to the present.
How do I get away from doing this? It really sets me up for a sub par experience or interaction. And it’s unfair to the other people involved.
Any tips?* Can you relate to my feelings of dread?
I do want to say that most of the time, I am doing the opposite – feeling so excited about something, that there is no way the thing I am feeling excited about can live up to my expectations. So maybe the two issues are interrelated.
*And it is not as easy as “don’t do those things” or “don’t see those people.” That, unfortunately, wouldn’t work.
Themocracy
I can definitely relate to this– I’m really bad about dreading social events, even when I know they’re going to be fun!
I do the same thing about social events… I think I just worry about not having fun, when I know I could have fun at home 😉
I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately, I have no advice on this one. When events or people take me out of my comfort zone, and there is no way to avoid the situation or meeting, I try to remember it will only be a very small part of the rest of my life, it will be over soon and it won’t kill me.
That’s probably not a healthy way to deal, but I’m no quitter so I plunge forward and face the challenge. I get the feeling you’re like that as well, Kim.
I can relate as well. What I try to do is, find something that I like and take it with me for comfort. It can be something as simple as wearing an outfit that I really love, or taking a big, icy Diet Coke to the meeting. I also try to be as positive and happy as I can. Sometimes if I fake it for a few minutes, I actually find that I am positive and happy for real!
I read a quote the other day that goes hand in hand with this thread; and has really been helpful to me over the last week or so…
“Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere!”
Thanks for sharing the tip and the quote! That is the realization I came too – I was wasting so much time dreading (worrying) about the meetings.
Oh I can relate! I just think of it as in the time element. like “this meeting will be an hour so at x o’clock I am done”. It seems to help.
Girl, I feel your pain. I used to go to a meeting every 2 weeks that was so contentious that I think 3/4 of the people in the meeting dreaded walking into it. I did what Paige suggests, and would go get a Starbuck’s before the meeting so I would have a treat and an “anchor” to pull me out of the situation. What helped more was talking to some higher ups in my organization and knowing that they saw the problems, too, and were sympathetic to how difficult the meeting was for everyone. But I’ve been there and it totally sucks! I think it’s natural to dread something potentially unpleasant.
I really dread the end of the semester (and really, any test or exam or big graded assignment). It really stresses me out, and it’s like the proverbial storm cloud hanging over my head. It really sucks because it always taints my ability to enjoy myself. And often, I can’t take the steps to be proactive and face whatever I am dreading, so I just dread it even more. Yeah, sort of a problem.
I don’t have many tips, unfortunately. (Since I realized I’m bad with dread, I decided to quit my program hahaha.) I’m glad that you mostly look forward to things though!
Ugh, I can so totally relate… and once I start dreading something I feel like it ruins my day (or days- however long til the event is over)… and I hate that… but I don’t know how to fix it.. but like you, I do the same thing about something I’m excited about… I really need to work on being present in the moment now and not worrying about the future!!! (That sounds so much easier said than done!)
=^..^=
YES – YES – YES!!!! I so know what you mean… I don’t know how to stop dreading certain things but I do try to tell myself when I am in this funk of dreading something, that I always dread things and then they usually turn out being not as bad as I thought or even actually great and I just have to try to accept that something inside me (too much future oriented thinking and being a worrier) causes me to do this, but that doesn’t mean I have to go along with this part of me. I can just acknowledge my thoughts of dread but not buy into them. Do you follow me? It’s kind of like when in meditation you have thoughts but you just acknowledge them but then let them go. Hope this helps! (I was totally dreading my workshops this week, but then they turned out great – see?)
I totally get what you are saying, and I need to do the same. I have lots of opportunities to practice this, ha ha.
that is a tough one…mostly because the things you dread, are assumably things you have to do. you just cannot go to a meeting because you don’t want to see someone. most of the time when i have this, it’s in social situations, and therefore, I can make the decision to go or not go. If i’m choosing to go, then i just make a deal that i can’t bitch about it.
i have someone at work though, that i just am fed up with. i used to talk to them quite a bit, they are unavoidable, literally. but, after some shifty things happening, i’d rather not be around them. i don’t want them telling me what’s going on with them because 1. i don’t believe most of it and 2. i’m pissed at them. in the end, i think i’ve just ended up being short with them. not chatting, and not volunteering extra info. not the best situation, but i’m sure in the future, i’ll let them know my motives for doing so.
Exactly – it is usually stuff I have to do – like talk to people I don’t like. I hate that I am guarded (like you, withhold info) and really, a different person around these people. But usually, I don’t trust them.
Many times I find that it’s easier for me to go into a dreaded situation if I have someone with me who I know is not dreading it. Then that person is like my anchor. Also, similar to what Amy said, I will acknowledge my feelings (sometimes even explaining them out loud) but then take some deep breaths and say “but I’m doing this anyway”.
I admit, it doesn’t always work, but when you HAVE to do something it can help.
YES! I think we can all relate on some level. I have this with speed work and certain clients.
I decided that since my feelings are within my control, I will do my best to steer them in a positive direction. So I make it a goal to pick out a few really positive things before I go in to the meeting or imagine how great it’s going to go.. this usually helps.
My only suggestion is humor – off the wall, exaggerated, weird humor. When I find myself dreading something, like a meeting that I HAVE to attend, I start thinking of funny excuses (ones you could never actually use) or examples of “I’d rather be . . . “. They lighten my mood, my attitude, and many times when I am waiting for the meeting to start and I remember some of them I have to stop myself from laughing out loud.
We’ve all got stuff that we dread doing and idiots that we dread seeing, so it can be difficult sometimes to muster the enthusiasm to face them. I just try and grit my teeth and bear it, and not lose my cool. Just think that you will get through whatever your dreading and soon you will be out the other side. 🙂
This happens to me too. I try to focus on the trigger and go deeper to resolve the core issue. It takes diligence and inner-examination but it helps to feel free-er in the long run.
I can definitely relate. I have this about certain sites I have to visit, speed work, and my step family. Definitely cannot get away from the step family 😉
I try to focus on any positive I can find. Sometimes it’s a reminder that this too will end soon! With speed work I try to focus my energy on something else to take my mind off of it then go out with a just get it done kind of mentality.
This is a big issue for me. It has to do a lot with my worrying nature and difficulty staying in the moment. Sometimes, I think I dread as a way to prepare myself for a worst case scenario. That way, the reality is almost always a pleasant relief. I was just thinking about how I’m already dreading a trip that is over a year away (to visit my husband’s family…in Michigan…in a packed house with other family members…for 10 days…ugh). It’s OVER A YEAR AWAY! I dread lots of social events too, particularly if driving is involved, or if I think the food will suck, or if I’m not feeling particularly “on” socially. Sometimes, I have to ask myself if it really is that the event is not something I want to do. Saying “no” is pretty liberating. If it’s an obligation, I have to try to think of ways to get through it and realize it’s just one day (or 10 days…ugh). I try to think up little rewards for after it’s done…or work in things that make it happy for me. We have a family gathering at the end of the month that I’m not looking forward to, and since it’s in my hometown, I asked my best friend of 15 years to stop by since she still lives there. That will make it better 🙂 I used to dread meetings, but I’ve somehow switched that mentality. Now I think, “Well, at least the day is going by faster and I got a break from my desk.” Maybe that feeling will fade… I still have optimism with the new job. Ha.
I like your view towards meetings. My day definitely flies by when I have them!
I can so relate to dreading get-togethers that are far, far away. Steven and I kind of do the same thing when we go back to his hometown – we schedule visits with friends so we won’t get bored. And when we visit my family, we can kind of tell them we need some time to ourselves for a bit 🙂
It says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous to “think about what you can bring to the situation, not what you are going to get out of it.” I know it’s kind of a weird thought, but think about what you’re going to contribute to this meeting, not what crap other people might want to give you. It really helps me when I’m dreading something – the focus on what I bring.
I dread so many things. Right now, I’m trying to figure out why and what I can do.
Also, love k8’s advice right above mine. Gonna try that.
I have no advice as I am one of those “dreaders” too. Yes, there are people I dread seeing because I know they can sour my mood. Heck there are people I can hear about that will sour my mood. If I have some big event, I usually dread it so much that I end up not having fun. Don’t get me started on dating(and probably why I don’t do it LOL)
of course i can relate! who doesn’t dread things? however i remember this blog post i read from kristin armstrong a few months back…..she said to look at things as opportunities such as i get to do this and i get to do that etc…..sometimes that helps!
I have a really great friend who I can always text whenever I’m feeling really anxious or dreading something. She makes me laugh and gives me the motivation I need to get through whatever it is. It’s awesome! You know, you can always text me if you need a lift. 🙂
Hey! Maybe I will! 🙂 Especially since you know all about my situation 😉
I think dread makes everything in our lives seem so much worse and dramatic than it really is, yet I’d have to say I myself spend most of my days focused on some sort of dread … so I’m no help 😉 I have bad insomnia, lots of that is related to dread. But the worst part is the cycle. I lay in bed and cant sleep. I start panicking about not being able to sleep. Then, I start to dread my daughter waking up – because she will be the start of my new day (after a sleepless night). So I sit and dread her waking – instead of sleeping. I watch the clock and wait for her to wake up. There is no sense in it – just like the irrational stuff behind dread.
You dread a meeting. So you think about it all week. It ruins your week. The day of the meeting is ruined. You hate the meeting (no matter what happens). The rest of the day after that is ruined because you are so ticked you had to be in that meeting. Then, you start to dread the next one 🙂
I often dread things – mostly situations – even though I know that they are going to be fun.. I can’t wait to read more tips 😉
My mantra when I start to stress is, “right now, everything is fine, I’m good right at this moment, okay” then, I make myself stop thinking about something I can’t deal with right now…the mantra helps 🙂
I think that will really help me, thanks!
I’m glad you found my blog, and I’m really excited to find a fellow Chicagoland runner blogger 🙂 I’ve wondered where you all were!
Being in the present and appreciating that can be pretty difficult. I struggle with this mostly at work. The dread factor lately has been very high. Unfortunately, I just see it now as a job, not a career– and as a means to an end. I think if you apply what you said about other people, it might help. If you consider how your attitude may be detrimental to others you care about, it might help get over an initial hump.
I am happy I found you too! 🙂 Do you want me to send you some links to other Chicagoland runner blogs? 🙂
I think I do need to think about how my negative attitude is contagious – that is not fair! Are you looking for something else, job-wise?
Yes– I’d love some more Chicago blog links. It’s gives you some perspective of what’s out there.
I am sort-of looking for work…not as seriously as I need to be. It’s hard when you have a good-paying, steady job. But, if you’re not happy, you are responsible for changing your situation!
BTW, I’ve had 3 stress fractures in about 15 months. They are stinkers 😛
Okay, here we go:
My best running bud is Erin – love her blog, totally recommend it! eri-thon: from 0 to 26.2 in 30. We meet up often. She lives in the SW burbs, just outside of city limits. We relate on a lot of topics.
Tony at Running Through Life lives in the NW burbs, kind of near me. He doesn’t update a lot, but is super nice.
Marcia at Running Off At The Mouth lives SW of me, maybe near Arlington Heights? She has 2 kids and has done Boston the last two years. Super nice as well.
Life Student at A Marathon Leap. Doesn’t update that much anymore, but is in Chicago.
Jesse lives out in Round Lake too, also does not update much.
Second City Randomness – I think Amy lives near Elgin.
Tales from my Second City – just found her!
Susan at Nurse on the Run is from Palatine but lives in PA now. Ran Boston this year too!
Lindsay at I Run lives in DeKalb.
And Mica. She lives in Champaign. Not so near but SHE IS TOO FUNNY not to mention! Mica Pie.
I totally agree about the happy thing. The issue is, I am not sure if I am happy anymore! When I think “what would make me happy right now” I often can’t answer!
Where did you get the stress fractures? 🙁
When I first read this post, I was struck by the timing because that very day I had been fighting feelings of dread of dealing with a certain person! I was reflecting on the fact that despite the fact that this person’s mood affects her behavior toward others, I should not marry my mood to hers. This particular person is somewhat irrational, so for me it was a matter of deciding that how she acts is out of my control, so it is pointless to dread interacting with her, and so I made myself stop worrying about it.
The other thing I do, in more routine cases (where it’s not an irrational person I’m dreading dealing with, but more of a situation), is remind myself of past situations that I’ve dreaded and that have gone perfectly fine. Or remind myself that this time tomorrow/next week/what have you, it’ll all be over (and that chances are, it will have gone fine).
And lastly, when dreading something is unavoidable, I do everything in my power to prepare. I make lists of things to do, and I tackle them. This may not be applicable to all situations of course, but when it is, it really does help bring down my stress level – because it’s not some big unknowable thing looming in front of me anymore.
I love your suggestions – especially reminding myself that I have gotten through it in the past!
Honestly, what I need the most work on is the people I dread! I need to let others act how they want and just not let it affect me, like you said 🙂
Absolutely. And it’s always easier said than done, but in the end, you can only control what you do and how you act/react. This particular person I was referring to – and anyone who takes things so personally/acts irrationally – must lead a stressful life, and sometimes remembering that helps put things in perspective too. Life’s too short to stay stressed out about things that are out of your control!