The power of forgiveness
This is meant to be somewhat humorous.
I’ve decided to quit being such a bitch.
From Natalie Dee. I forgot how funny her comics are.
It’s hard. It’s a lifestyle I’ve followed for so long. And what’s more fun that telling people how wrong they are and holding grudges? What’s better than knowing you’re always right?
Well, that is how I usually felt (and admit it, most people do too) and I thought that acting out on those feelings made me feel good.
It didn’t. It made me feel rotten and unlikeable.
Recently, I subconsciously forgave someone and felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt happier.
And I also felt bad that I had been holding myself back for so long. That is what holding a grudge does – it holds you back. I know that people say that, but I didn’t realize it until I experienced it.
So I’ve decided to try to be more understanding… AND to take a breath and think before reacting to certain circumstances. Because having a rash reaction sure doesn’t make me or the other party feel better.
And it feels good! I still have instant gut “what an idiot” and “WTF” gut feelings, I just don’t react on them like I always would. And it makes me feel better when I address things calmly. And the funny thing is, after I do this, it isn’t such a big deal anymore.
I thought about all of this when I was watching Invictus last week and Morgan Freeman’s character (Nelson Mandela) says:
Forgiveness liberates the soul
Hmm. Maybe it really does.
We’ll see where this goes.
Next step: Cut out trash talk.
Do you have a hard time forgiving others?
Themocracy
Oh man, this post SO hits home with me– I am terrible about holding grudges. It’s something that I’ve been working on over the past few years, but it’s really hard to let go– even though you’re exactly right– it holds ME back.
I have learned that it makes me feel better to just put the past in the past and move forward… and to realize that nobody is perfect. I also like to believe when some people do certain things, they don’t realize how it comes across to other people.
I agree with Kandi. I have a hard time keeping a grudge against someone, though. I think a lot of that is because it consumes me when I do, so “forgiving” them (or, just forgiving myself) is automatically easier for me and takes less emotional and mental energy.
RE: trash-talk… I really try to not do that with ANYONE. It eventually gets back to them. I’ve been the subject of gossip and it was the worst feeling, especially because what she said wasn’t accurate. I roll that over into my professional life as well: I have a no-gossip policy for people who come in, close the door and talk with me at work. I could write a post about that myself! :
I’ve learned that holding grudges or being mad at people really only hurts yourself. I think I’m pretty good at forgiving people, I may even forgive too easily..
I think there’s a fine line between forgiveness and rolling over in subordination. For me, personally, if it’s a small thing, I usually move past it without batting an eye. But, for some of the bigger things. Well, I think it’d be remiss of me not to say something … and then decide whether it’s worth keeping on the table or shelving. Overall, I think it’s how you approach adversity more than whether you choose to look beyond it or not. I’ve learned through tough life lessons to be compassionate and try to see things from the other side before cementing my own opinions. I’ve also learned how to communicate when I’m frustrated in a way that allows me to express myself without automatically putting the other person on the defensive. Long story short – life is too short to hold grudges, but that doesn’t mean not standing up for yourself.
i think holding a grudge and staying angry at someone are two different things. like, the ex who cheated on me and secretly moved his gf here from boston behind my back? it’s not like i’m still holding onto a bunch of anger over it – i hardly think about him / it unless it comes up in a scenario like this – but i’m pretty much going to hold a grudge about that forever. i’m not still actively upset about it, but that’s not something i’m ever going to “forgive” and be ok about. so i don’t see it as still being a toxic drain on me – i’ve let it go – but i’m never going to forgive him, either 🙂
I have a VERY hard time forgiving, but then I think I expect too much of people.
Depends on the transgression, sometimes I never thing of it as a transgression and move on, other times not so much. I find that the further I am from the incident the more forgiving I am. However, I may move on but never forget not so much a grunge but more self protection
I think the hardest thing is having high expectations of everyone (including myself) and then getting let down all the time! I have really tried to have an attitude of “no expectations” so I don’t feel so taken advantage of or let down. But it’s not easy…
I love this post! 🙂 It is easier said than done, but a good quote that I like to keep in mind: “The best way to get even is to forget.” So true! I only have a hard time forgiving if it is something that deeply hurt me emotionally… Otherwise I deal pretty well with just forgetting about what happened.
This is absolutely key for my serenity today. Why allow someone to take up space in my life? Especially when they’ve done something stupid. Forgiveness is about me. Always. Not about the other person.
I use to have a hard time forgiving others but somewhere along the way, it started to happen naturally. There are a few people from my past that I can’t forgive (yet) but when it comes to people I have met in the past year to now, I can forgive them if they do something idiotic. I mean, we all make mistakes and we ALL do dumb things every now and then.
I used to think I was a grudge-holder, but I’m kind of a softie. I don’t really forget things, but I forgive and move on. I do use situations to provide me with information about someone’s character though. Meaning, I don’t just turn a blind eye to things that happen. It really is toxic to hold on to so much negative energy. I don’t like the way it makes me feel.
I hate to admit it, but I kind of do. 🙁 Not so much forgiving, but forgetting. I try to move beyond what they’ve done, but deep down I either hold a grudge or am scared they’ll repeat their action again. I know much of this is a defense mechanism, but I still know I just need to let some things go.
The GOOD news is that I no longer have a lot of the people in my life that were so hurtful, so there’s a lot less forgiving only because everyone is so much more respectful. Funny how that works. 🙂
Good for you! I hope that this is a really liberating decision for you. It sounds like it already has been. Maybe your good example will help me be a nicer person too. 😀
P.S. I want some falafel now. 🙁 Why are we not hanging out in Chicago?
Great post, and yes, it’s a very good feeling. I’m alright at the forgiving part…. but I do have a hard time forgetting. Not to the point of holding a grudge, but just to protect my heart/mind.
Natalie Dee is a daily read for me… I can’t get enough!
I used to hold grudges, but I think Im getting more forgiving as I get older. I’ve done the bitch thing, and it made me just as miserable as I was making everyone else. So whats the point? Granted I still have my moments (many of them) but Im definitely way nicer than I used to be.
Forgivness is hard for me- when people get it from me, it is real and they know it. I am not much of a trash talker- I am more confrontational and if I have something to say I go to the person…and if I hear they said something about me, I go to them and find out. This, I feel, is a good way of handling things. However, people still say I am a bitch. I think people commonly confuse honesty with bitchiness.
I know this post was meant to be light-hearted, but it set me on a path of self-reflection I probably should have started awhile ago, with regard to a specific situation – the end of a friendship that I honestly foresaw continuing ’till death.’ As hurt slowly, slowly moved over to let some resentment and anger in, I haven’t tried to stop it. For awhile these feelings comforted me, helped me heal, and I didn’t even try to start forgiving. But now, I think it could turn to bitterness, and I don’t want that. I think I need to start trying to let go.
I don’t think letting go is the same thing as forgiving in this case, and I’m not even sure forgiveness is feasible when understanding is beyond me. Maybe once I’ve let go, I’ll find that I’ve also forgiven? Who knows.
But like you, I don’t think holding a grudge is good for anyone. Obviously that’s much easier said than done when deep emotions are involved, but it’s a good principle to try to live by no matter what the situation 🙂
When I was younger I had a hard time forgiving others and carried a grudge like no other. It was really quite impressive. Now that I’m an old git, I usually find I take the high road and forgive easily. Life, too short, and all that.
I’ve been pondering this of late… I think it’s important and necessary. It’s actually getting to there, where the past is the past… and I have moved on that is difficult.
I also think it’s a process. Just when I think I’m over it the anger returns…
But the little things, I just sort of move on from…