Friday Question #101
Are you an asker? When you want something (a raise, a refund, better service, directions, forgiveness, a date, someone to treat you differently, etc.) do you ask for it immediately or do you hesitate?
There was a story in the March issue of Women’s Health about an author who was going to a party to celebrate the publication of her first book. On the way to the party, she ran into a famous columnist – Maureen Dowd – in the airport. She got up the nerve to ask Dowd to attend her party and Dowd accepted and attended, and the two developed a relationship. The author wrote:
I shudder to think of what an awesome connection I would have missed making had I not worked up the nerve to approach Maureen. But all too often, fear gets in the way of bravery. Think about it: When was the last time you asked for something with big risks and potentially big consequences? The kind of ask that can make your heart pound and your palms sweat, such as asking for a promotion, asking for forgiveness, or—scariest of all—asking a guy out on a date?
I love that! Don’t let fear get in the way of bravery! And I have to include the last two paragraphs of the article:
As with most things in life, the more you do something, the easier it becomes. So start small and build up to the Big Ask. When my family and I go to a restaurant and don’t like our table, I’m the one who asks to move. I ask for directions and for advice from strangers. I even ask to use the discount-club card of the person standing next to me in the line at the grocery store if I’ve forgotten mine.
Here are a few things I’ve learned about asking: The minute you’re afraid to ask for something is when you should do it. It’s nice to offer something in return, even if it’s just a compliment or a kind gesture. It also helps to take a few deep breaths and imagine the worst possible outcome. Usually, it’s simply getting a no, which is not exactly life threatening. Whether the result is life changing (like it was with Maureen Dowd) or disappointing, asking is always a significant accomplishment. Because if you ask me, it’s the questions in life—not the answers—that really count.
I AM an asker. When I want something, I do ask for it. Sure, I get the nerves and the pounding-heart, but I know it would bother me more in the end, NOT to have asked*, then to hear “no” or not reach a solution by asking.
I mentioned on Monday, I have asked for items to give away here. Many have said no or not gotten back to me. But I kept at it, and received that awesome necklace to give away.
At my last job, I found myself frequently talking to my bosses about company policy and how their decisions affected me. I know that seems bold, or maybe out of place, but to me, it felt better to get things off my chest. Now, I commonly find myself being the “voice for the group,” when other people don’t want to speak up.
I either lack a filter I should have, or am simply not shy. But I cannot remember a time when asking has caused me any harm!
*A few months ago Erin and I had lunch out, and the waiter threw away my leftovers instead of boxing them up like I asked. I didn’t want to… get nasty (let’s say) in front of Erin, so I didn’t ask for a refund. I wish I would have. That was effin’ bs and I am still pissed about it.
Themocracy
Like you, I am an asker and I get all nervous about it while doing it. I mean wow, I can work myself up into a frenzy! However, I always think there is a lot less resentment when I just ask. And yanno, the worse that can happen is hearing the word “no”.
I often feel bitchy when I speak up for myself…and sometimes I am too self conscious to ask for things but then I later feel bad that I didn’t speak up…damned if you do, damned if you don’t…
I have a hard time striking up conversations with strangers. But i have gotten braver. My husband ended up sharing a plane with the comedian Louie Anderson several years ago…They got to talking and Dave ended up being Louie’s manager for a couple years! They are still close friends….all because of a random meeting.
I am so not an asker…I need to work on that! I just get too nervous and think that the person is going to say no or feel obligated to say yes…but even if they do say no, like the article says– that’s not exactly life threatening!
I would say I’m a little bit of both! For example, I would have probably let the restaurant situation slide since it’s not really that important (although it would have made me mad). For decisions that directly relate to me in the workplace and among my personal relationships, I am definitely an asker.
I am definitely becoming more of an asker, but when it comes to money things I am probably a lot further behind. One thing that is for sure with me is that if I don’t ask (like with the waiter throwing away leftover thing, for example) I am going to have a bad attitude about it and that isn’t fun for me or anyone around me!
Asking does not come naturally to me but I’m getting better at it. I worry about being pushy or not ‘nice’. But when I realize that if I don’t ask, the answer is automatically no, I ask!
I’m pretty good about asking for things like help and directions, though I usually worry that that means I’m not independent enough and rely too much on other people. I hate it when people say, “It doesn’t hurt to ask” though because that seems untrue. For example, what if someone asked for a raise at a completely inappropriate time? It seems like the boss would get a negative impression, which could affect things in the future. Maybe I’m just paranoid?
Good point. People shouldn’t ask for stupid, inappropriate stuff. But, people do. And they sometimes get it! Yikes!
The more I read your blog the more I think “holy moly she is just like me” haha
We were at a happy hour once and I met a guy there that I found out is a project manager for my current company so I told him I am a process engineer and would love his email so I can send him my resume… a week later I had an interview and 2 wks after that I started my new job.
I can relate to your situation at the restaurants.. there are times that I dont’ say anything cause of people I am with but in general I ask or bring it up.
It depends on my mood, and how important whatever it is is to me. Sometimes I’m an asker, and sometimes I’m lazy or complacent and don’t bother. But you’re right, if you don’t ask you don’t get!
I think life is short and you should ask away! I try to make an effort even though I sometimes am nervous doing so. I think it gets easier over time.
Great job on being assertive. I am in certain situations but when it comes to work I really need to improve on asking for a raise, or getting my opinions across.
I too would have been VERY annoyed if a waiter through my leftovers out!!
I am not an asker AT ALL. I wish I was… I think it’s because I grew up surrounded by people who always gave me the subliminal message that if you asked for and received something, you then “owed” the giver. It’s not fun to feel beholden to someone all the time.
I can ask for things indirectly, so that the person I’m asking doesn’t actually realize it; but asking for something straight out? No way.
<3 <3
I’m turning more and more into an asker but I can imagine that people are struggling to have the courage to ask for something when you’re afraid of the simple answer “no”.
I’m pretty good at asking for what I need, but not always for what I want. Like if I’m fundraising for something I get embarrassed about asking for money. Just depends what it is.
Definitely not an asker when it comes to ANY of the things you mentioned. EXCEPT forgiveness but I feel like that is part of the problem. I’m a pushover and I apologize TOO much.
On of my managers took back a tray that had a customers food that needed to be boxed up and threw it away! When I went and asked the manager what happened to it, he had the cooks make the meal over again for the customer so we could box it up. I understand how hard it is though to say something in front of others. I definitely wouldn’t have said anything 🙁
i’ve never been an “asker.” i mean i love asking questions of people, but never FOR things. i was like the opposite of that for so long, so much that now i look back and wish i hadn’t been so accepting of everything. i’m starting to be more of an asker now.
I am *not* an asker at all. Like, I’m not sure if someone could be less of an asker than me. I tend to make friends with people who are askers, though, which I think is interesting.
Great question. I am NOT good at asking for things. I think I tried to express myself via food for a number of years, hence my mom saying, “Use your words and eat your food; don’t eat your words and use your food.” I’ve gotten way better at speaking up, though it still causes me a lot of anxiety. Will I seem pushy? Greedy? Out of line? My husband helps me a lot because he has absolutely no problem asking for anything (to the point that I sometimes get embarrassed on his behalf). I’ve learned from watching him that there’s no harm in asking. I’ve been pleasantly surprised the few times he’s encouraged me to ask for a raise. I hate that many women struggle with this. I don’t think it’s as much of a problem for men…
I am now becoming more of an asker and it is something I still struggle with but, now I know if I ask then I have an answer rather than speculating.
I i love this post! I am an asker in retail situations or when it would benefit me financially, i.e. i have no issue asking someone if that’s their best price on something. I do have an issue asking for help and I suffer from the reverse: i say YES to others too much when they ask and am a people pleaser to a point, so i overcommit myself and end up stressed. And in those situations, i dont ask for what I need…which is really to just say no. So im a combo 🙂
I can go both ways depending on how I am feeling at the moment. I think mostly I am not much of an asker, although I wish I was.
Since starting the yarn business I have forced myself to ask for things or go after ideas that I normally probably would not. I don’t like to be a bother to people, so if I feel like it might put someone out or make it more difficult for someone else, I probably won’t ask. Unless it has to do with my kids and then I totally will. It’s funny how I seem to do things for my kids that I don’t even do for myself sometimes.
I am cracking up about the still being pissed thing because I would TOTALLY not forget and not be able to let it go either!
I love this article! Thanks for sharing it and this great, thought-provoking question. I am definitely one of those people who cowers and quakes at the thought of being assertive, asking for stuff objectively, etc. Inside I feel like I’m being “nice” but all it really does is frustrate others and makes me feel like a wishy-washy girl who can get pushed around. My sister is the exact opposite–she’s sometimes too blatant and not tactful enough (though I love her). I really need to work on just asking and making decisions for myself. Because as the article stated, what could you really lose?
Definitely NOT an asker. But wish I was. Well…okay. I WILL ask in situations when I’m pissed off to no end – like when I had the trip from *&^( to Mexico in college, and asked for an upgrade for our hotel room. And we got it! But in usual circumstances…I don’t ask. I’m a weenie. 🙁
I ask. I question. I comment. I can’t keep my mouth shut. Sometimes it’s a good thing and sometimes, I really should have kept my mouth shut because I was better off not knowing.
I do believe a person truly has nothing to lose by asking about something that may be helpful or they need to know in order to set a positive course for the future. The only bruise a “no” causes is to our egos and that doesn’t REALLY hurt.
What a timely post for me to read. My first thought was my position in my clinic lately with my co-worker. I’m having some “issues” and asking my boss about my position in the organization has been suggested to me…but I’m a wuss!!! Just with job stuff, though…I’m very outgoing socially.
However, I am also easily intimidated and then I’m NOT socially outgoing. I think of going to the Blogher conference and being a loner – how sad! I know I’m one of the smaller blogs that will be there, but I want to break out of my shell in blogland and have a blast!
Great post!
It is hard at work because you don’t want to screw yourself over. But sometimes, I think the higher-ups like it when you are honest with them. If you are tactful 😉 Hee hee.
You would do great at BlogHer, I know it!
I’m an asker, but it took a long time for me to become one and speak up for the things I want. I think it comes with age though. Great post!
I’m not an asker, but I’m learning to be! I had a great co-worker at my old job who served as a strong female role model for me. I learned from her that you can put yourself first and ask for things without being labeled “aggressive”, “demanding” or the dreaded “b-word” for it!
I am NOT an asker. But Ive been spoiled and never had to. I was in a job where raises came every year, so that was never an issue. Jobs too, I always just in the right place at the right time. So now Im afraid to ask for things. I never got any practice.
I am learning to speak up for myself, but it definitely feels forced. I would like to be more assertive and see how the outcome could really benefit me. Whether or not I get the answer I am looking for, I know I grow every time I push myself beyond that uncomfortable feeling. There is a reason it’s uncomfortable, and if we always lived in our comfort safe zone’s our life would be utterly pointless. Atleast I think so – so I am working on asking.
Hi Kim,
That’s a good question. I think that it depends on the situation for me. If it’s really important to me, I will usually do it. If it’s not important, I will only go ahead and ask if I don’t think it will be a problem (e.g., if I want to change tables in a restaurant, but it’s really busy, I may just stay where I am…it’s not that important as long as I’m in good company). I also want to be careful not to hurt anyone’s feelings. But, apart from those types of situations…I am more of an asker.
I’m also likely to be a “sayer” 🙂 …I will compliment strangers when I really like something about them…I will give strangers a hand and not hesitate to offer help. I think you get the picture 🙂
i can’t believe the waiter tossed your food! total bs! but anyway, i think it’s great that you’re an asker. i’m really working on being more assertive, bc i tend to shy away from asking for what i need! i think asking for things is part of living with integrity, and that way you don’t harbor resentment towards people when you don’t get what you want…they can’t read minds after all!
My mom is an asker. I wish I were more like her and less like my conflict-avoidant father. 🙁
It took me 4 years to finally have the guts to ask for a raise, so… 😉
And I get teased a lot by my friends because I will eat a crappy meal before I will send it back because I don’t want to be perceived as “high maintenance.” The only time I ever sent food back was once when it was undercooked chicken because it could have made me really sick.
However, oddly enough, I have never, ever been shy about asking a guy out or making the first move! THAT’S actually a habit I’ve tried to break! Too funny.
I’m not usually an asker but I’m making more of an effort to become one. No more sitting on the sideline wishing that I’d asked!
I read that article and loved it, very cool.
I used to not be an asker. It did contribute to me not having my own voice, which in turn helped add to my depression issues.
However, I ask for help now. I also accept it when it is offered. My health is getting worse, and if I had not reached a point where I could ask for help, I would hate to think of how bad things would be now.
I am writing this from my hospital bed, my second hospital stay in three months. I asked and accepted help from my mother. Someone that used to be very difficult to ask help from. Not only has she been a benefit to me, in helping me, but because she is helping me and we have more time together we are getting closer.
I will ask but it depends on what I am asking. And it doesn’t mean I don’t get nervous while doing it!
mine is up!
http://thefishgate.blogspot.com/2010/02/not-asker-at-all.html
I’m an asker in some situations. When it comes to little things (i.e. asking for directions, asking for a discount if something I want to buy is damaged) but on big things I’m less of an asker. I definitely want to be though! I’m a firm believer in the idea that it can’t hurt to ask but for some reason when it comes to big things like jobs/internships, I’m a chicken!
You’re inspiring me though! I’m asking around for an internship this summer! I’ll talk to random people, use connections I have and not be shy!
Great post!
Do ask about the internship! You may never know! Good luck! 🙂
That is how I got an internship at an architecture firm in Rome – by asking and figuring out who had connections to get it for me!