The only constant in life is change

By , May 3, 2011 5:18 am

My grandpa passed away last Thursday. As per usual, I am trying to stifle my feelings with distractions and general avoidance. And, as per usual, it’s not working. I had a few little crying episodes at my desk at work yesterday. Thank heavens for cubicle walls.

I hate this part of getting older. I hate losing people. Just hate it. It makes me feel so raw and sick. And powerless.

The more I think about it, the more I know that for me, losing people is about being afraid of the future. What will life be like without them? How will our family change? I told my sister at my other grandpa’s funeral in February of 2010 – “I feel like our family is falling apart.” Death does make me feel that way. It just makes me scared. I mean really, who is going to…

…take me on boat rides?

…encourage me to achieve more than I dreamed possible and push myself beyond my limits?

…attempt to teach me how to dance?

…teach me how to be charming? (even in the hospital, grandpa was kissing the nurse’s hands and asking for kisses on his cheek)

Who is joining to fill that void?

No one can. It’s up to us to learn a new reality, but it just SUCKS.

At least I know, from the bottom of my heart, that my grandpa lived a full and adventurous life. I hope I do the same.

37 Responses to “The only constant in life is change”

  1. Jenn says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your grandfather. 🙁 Losing my grandmother was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. Sounds like they were very similar. Just remember the good times and be glad you got to spend all the time you did with him. 🙂 *hugs!*

  2. Kandi says:

    Looks like you have a lot of wonderful memories with your grandpa. Hopefully they will help pull you through and his memory will keep you from feeling like your family is falling apart. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.

  3. I’m so sorry Kim. Losing people is hard and I hate that you are going through it. I guess the positive side is that you have so many happy memories of him and can treasure those and remember him. But I know that doesn;t make losing him any easier, and I am so sorry you have to go through it!

  4. J says:

    I am sorry Kim. I know how it feels to lose your grandparents as I have lost all of them. Its tough and nothing really makes it better for a while. I felt so numb and lost. I think it hurts more now that they wont be here for my wedding. I know that your family is there for you and I hope you know that your grandpa is still with you in spirit and watching over you!

  5. bobbi says:

    I have been thinking of you. I noticed right away when you changed your fb pic to the one of you and him on the boat, and I hoped that my gut reaction was wrong. *sigh*

    I am so so sorry. That is so tough. I know you are missing him like crazy now, and nothing any of us can say will ease that. But we are all thinking of you and your family. And you have our deepest sympathy.

    The video of you 2 dancing is the sweetest thing – he looks like a wonderful man who will be missed by many.

  6. Kayla says:

    Kim, so sorry to hear of grandpa. Losing someone you love is never easy. I will be praying for you and your family.

  7. My grandpa hit on all the nurses, too. Scandelous boys they are, aren’t they? 🙂

    I’m sorry for your loss, girl. You’re right- this is the part of growing up that I wish would just go away. I’ll be thinking about you and your fam!

  8. So sorry, Kim. I’m glad you have lots of good memories (and videos!) to keep of your grandpa.

  9. Tracy says:

    Wow, Kim, your grandfather had some DANCE MOVES!
    There aren’t any words besides my condolences that I can offer right now. I offer my thoughts and my sympathy.

  10. Kristi says:

    Kim- so sorry for your loss. I’ll say a prayer for you and your family. Keep your memories close to your heart.

  11. Oh Kim I’m sorry. Losing someone just sucks so much. It’s the hardest thing in life to deal with. Thinking of you!

  12. Carrie says:

    I’m so sorry. 🙁 He left you with many wonderful things to remember him.

  13. Jen says:

    Only you could make me smile with such a somber post. I think you embody your Grandpa’s love of life. That video tells the story perfectly.

    I’m so sorry for your loss. His spirit lives on in you…

  14. sizzle says:

    I’m so sorry about your grandpa’s passing. From all you shared of him, he was a great man and very dear to you. Losing people is scary. It does make us question the future and feel so many feelings that are hard to make sense of. Stifling your feelings will only delay your healing. Anyone who loves us would not want us hanging on to pain in their memory. That’s how I’ve always gotten through (not very well at times, I might add!). It’s okay to cry, to be sad, to be angry, to be upset- to feel. The one beauty I take from losing someone is the many gifts they shared with me. What an amazing thing to have traveled along someone’s journey with them. What all those little moments add up to in the end. I only hope that I can live my life with such dignity and zest in their honor, you know?

    Your grandpa sure was a good dancer. My dad was too. 🙂

    Sending you much love and big hugs, friend.

  15. So sorry to hear about your grandfather. It sounds like he was well loved and that his spirit and memories live on in you and your family!

  16. Nobody fills the void. Thats why it is painful. I am sorry you are hurting. Hurting, hurts. 🙁

    Tears cleanse the soul. Don’t be afraid to water the gardens now and then 🙂

  17. Melissa says:

    Oh, Kim…I am so very sorry…

  18. Seals says:

    Kim, I’m so sorry.

  19. Erin says:

    There are no good words. Just know that you and your family are in my thoughts right now.

  20. I’m so sorry for your loss, Kim. That really sucks. No matter how old or how sick someone might be, we’re never ready for death. But, it sounds like your grandfather made his mark on his family. He taught you important lessons on how to live. And what an honor, to carry on his legacy by really living and enjoying your life.

  21. DeAnne says:

    my Grandaddy was one of my most favorite people in the whole wide world, I was much younger when he died (12) but I understand how you feel and my heart goes out to you and your family. 🙁

  22. Christina says:

    I am so sorry to hear of his passing. He sounds like he was a grew man who loved his life and his family very much. you both blessed each other who your presence. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  23. I am so sorry Kim. Losing a family member is so hard.

    I love that video of you two dancing. Its so sweet – Im glad you have it. 🙂

  24. Michel says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was a real special man.

  25. Linzi says:

    I’m so sorry Kim! I just watched the dancing video with you and your gramps and that made me tear up. So sweet! And so special that you have that video and so many great memories. Grampas are so special!

  26. Etta says:

    I see loss at work every single day and it’s not easy. It’s not easy to watch my favorite residents pass away and know that I won’t see their smiling faces when I get to work in the morning. It’s even more difficult to watch their loved ones watch them decline and pass.

    I’m sorry to hear of your grandpa’s passing. My grandpa is my favorite person in the world and it scares me to consider a life where he isn’t there.

    Do you think your grandpa is teaching Jesus to bust a move?

  27. Laura says:

    Im so sorry Kim. It sounds like you and your grandpa had a lot of fun spending time together throughout the years. I know it is so hard to lose somebody that has been such an important part of your life. Im glad you have all of those wonderful memories of him. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but will be thinking of you and your family. Please let me know if you need anything at all.

  28. So sorry, Kim! I lost my grandfather a couple of years ago, and I still miss him. It makes me very sad that he wasn’t at my wedding, and never even got to meet Karl. I was his favorite grandkid (he was pretty vocal about that), and I love him to bits.

  29. RunningLaur says:

    I’m sorry you have to have this time of sorrow – this makes me want to give you the biggest hug and take it all away.

  30. cher says:

    i’m so sorry, Kim. i lost my grandfather a few years ago, and we had a very similar relationship, it sounds like. nothing will replace that void…ever. it can’t make it better right now, but you’ll feel better about it in the future and you can look to the memories that you have with him.

  31. Kristina says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss, and I know that words may not comfort you too much these days. Honoring him with your memories and by living well – that is a beautiful thought.

  32. I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship.

  33. chris says:

    losing family is the hardest thing there is. Sorry for your loss

  34. Mica says:

    This is such an honest post. It’s really touching, and it made me feel your loss so acutely. I think the fact that you are so in-tune with the changes in your family means that you will work hard to ensure that your relationships stay constant and strong. Your grandfather sounds like such an inspirational guy, and I’m sure that you will all keep his memory alive and do things that he would have enjoyed.

  35. Katie H says:

    Aw Kim, I’m so sorry for your loss.

  36. Kate says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your grandpa, Kim. My gramps was my favorite relative in the world — I think about him all the time. And I swear, every time I see a butterfly near me, I’m sure it’s him flying around and checking up on me. I really hope it’s true.

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