The truth behind online identities
How true are our online identities to who we are in real life*? What do we choose to reveal and hide when we present ourselves online?
I’ve been alluding that I’ve been working on an online identities post for awhile. Erin first asked that I write about it when I mentioned FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) in this post. FOMO happens when you go online and read about people doing all these fun things – and it makes you feel like you are missing out. This is similar to the social comparison theory – that we evaluate our own circumstances by comparing them to others. Research says that a lot of people feel depressed during the holidays because of this. They see everyone sharing their celebrations (online or in person), and can’t help but think they are better than their own. Well, that can get especially tricky when you are comparing yourself to someone’s Facebook status, which may only highlight the good**.
So, we know we compare ourselves to what we see online. I bet we all do, a little bit, in some shape or form. In this post, I talked about how I cannot read food journal blogs, because I compare myself. And some people mentioned that that does not affect them, but that they can’t read training blogs. Seeing people having fun does not make me feel left out, but I can see how it would! We’re all different.
Yikes! I feel like I need to back up. I am already all over the place with this post. And I have a lot to say!
Since Erin mentioned that she thought a post on online identities would be interesting, I have been picking up a lot on people casually alluding to their online identities. One blogger said they have to filter everything they write on their blog because one of their siblings reads their blog. Have you ever filtered what you say on your blog because family is reading? You can believe I have.
Another blogger said that they doubted what some food bloggers show on their blog is really all they are eating. It just seemed like so little, like the food blogger was only putting on a show for an audience.
And another blogger wrote that they make sure they don’t write too many “down” posts in a row on their blog, because then their readers start to worry about them! And they don’t want that. But hey, that blogger probably also wants an outlet for the crappy things in life, so what can they do?
It seems to me like these are all minor levels of altering our identities. Not telling a story because family will interpret it weirdly, lying about how much ice cream you ate (or that you ate it at all), making sure the post you write isn’t too much of a downer… we can do all of these things but still be somewhat true to our identity. Don’t get me wrong, it does begin to alter people’s view of us, but it wouldn’t be such a big deal if you met a blogger in real life, then realized, “wow, you eat a lot more ice cream than I thought” (such a silly example, but you get it).
But what about completely altered online identities? People who lie about their sex or age on their blog, in forums, on dating sites. People who pretend they are someone else… even using someone else’s picture. People who completely lie and make up “facts” about what they are talking about. I have heard rumors of a Chicagoland blogger who completely lies about her race times – she says she finished a marathon in under 4 hours but it really took her 6, or something like that.
I think it’s true that we are all going to alter our identity a bit, but how much? Are we just leaving out little upsetting facts that we don’t want people to know about us? Or are we lying about where we’re from, what we do, how much we make at work? The internet gives us infinite opportunities to define who we are. We get to choose how true that is. And in the beginning it only affects us*** – but as we start to build online relationships based on online identities, it can affect other people as well.
In true Kim style, I couldn’t write this post without doing a little bit (very little) online research, so I can give you some bullets, and I found this cool online book called The Psychology of Cyberspace. Even better, I found this short article, which gives an overview and some interesting tidbits of the book. Credit for this info to John Suler, who wrote the online book.
- Level of Dissociation and Identity – We balance multiple roles in real life – spouse, mother, neighbor, employee, etc. Our lives are successful when we efficiently “juggle” our different roles. Our online identities give us a chance to dissociate how much of these roles we reveal. It also gives us the opportunity to focus on one of these roles, and really develop it, when we might not have the opportunity to in real live.
- Positive and Negative Valence – We may choose to highlight our most positive or negative qualities online, as a sub-conscious way of working through them. “An insecure, passive-aggressive person gets stuck in an endless stream of online arguments. Others may use cyberspace as a opportunity to exercise their positive characteristics, or to develop new ones in a process of ‘self-actualization.'”
- Level of Fantasy or Reality – In some instances we are expected to be truthful to who we really are, say for example, on LinkedIn. But in a fantasy online community, you are encouraged to make up your character, or avatar. So at what level are we representing ourselves? And the author brings up this interesting question:
What is one’s TRUE identity? We usually assume it must be the self that you present to others and consciously experience in your day-to-day living. But is that the true self? Many people walk around in their f2f [face-to-face] lives wearing “masks” that are quite different than how they think and feel internally. All the time people are discovering things about their personality that they never realized before. Our daydreams and fantasies often reveal hidden aspects of what we need or wish to be. If people drop the usual f2f persona and bring to life online those hidden or fantasied identities, might not that be in some ways MORE true or “real”?
- Level of Conscious Awareness and Control – We may be selecting a way to represent ourselves online subconsciously. We may do things that appeal to us, without even realizing the deeper meaning of the choice we are making.
- The Media Chosen – whether it’s a blog, twitter, Facebook, chat, video chat, email – these tools all allow different levels of communication. The media we choose to use will affect our “degree of identity integration and dissociation.”
Online identities – it’s like I have opened up a can of worms. What’s your thought on all this?
Just writing this put a lot of thoughts in my head for future blog topics… so stay tuned! (if you’re interested, ha ha)
*And even writing this, I am thinking, who we are in real life changes depending on who we are around!
**Not to say there aren’t people on Facebook who only highlight the bad. Ha ha.
***I bet it’s very easy to get lost in an online identity.
Themocracy
I loved the different pictures – so creative!
I try to be honest on my blog, but I also don’t share everything that’s going on. There’s a level that I only want to share with my family and close friends. I don’t feel like I’m deceiving others with that, but there is an amount of filtering that happens.
I haven’t really read this yet..but the pictures are hysterical..I love the wedding dress..that literally made me crack up. I also love the new picture in your banner. I will be back later to actually read.
I love your pictures in this post!
I think we redefine ourselves all the time – both online and in real life. It’s only natural…
Thanks!
Yeah, in that book I am reading (MWF seeking BFF) she comes to the realization in the end that she doesn’t really want to have BFFs like she did in grade school – that worked THEN, but she is a different person NOW.
Well as you know I filter as well. There is a lot that I don’t talk about online. Somethings (ie work, immediate family drama, etc) might be best to not include.
The rumor re the Chicago runner…it should be fairly easy to find out their running results. Or maybe I am just good at stalking? 😉
I want to know who the Chicago runner is!
I don’t know who it is – I have honestly forgotten. No one well known.
ha! Easy if said runner posts pics with her bib number showing. Easy peasy to look up. Now I’m curious to! Or is curious another word for nosey? lol
Yeah, that is how everyone called the person out. I was not involved, just heard about it.
Loved this post, including the pictures! I think we all do this to some extent and I tend to try to keep the open mind that we all do this to some extend when I’m reading as well! I used to be really bad at comparing myself, that’s when I stopped logging all workouts online because I was definitely in comparison mode. I look at it like what we post online is going to be a lot of extremes. Over half of my life revolves around work, very little work talk is going to go on anywhere online. Same with home life with my husband, we don’t need to share all our details with others. That only leaves a few selfish things and extremes for me to display on any sort of online profile!
I definitely think my online indentities highlight different facets of myself. On Facebook, I have a larger “audience” of acquaintances so I stick more to witty quips, comments on politics, etc. I wish I was more of the confident, wisecracking person I come across as on Facebook! Where on my blog I write more about my insecurities and issues, so I probably come across as more neurotic and insecure than I do in real life.
I agree that sometimes the online identity is more genunine than the F2F identity. I see this especially with my bloggie friends who have eating disorders. They present this perfect face to the world while they have all this stuff roiling underneath. I think blogs are a great tool for people with EDs to start sharing what is actually going on inside them in a safe way.
Both points are great – we may be different on different forms of media (I only seem to share photos on FB and comment – I rarely update my status) – and about the EDs. I am much more open to strangers about my messed up eating than I am to anyone else. That might be because I feel like no one irl cares/is listening.
Did you seriously put on your wedding dress for this post?! Have I told you how much you rock?
Such an interesting topic. I have no idea how to even respond. I think everyone filters both online and off. I guess you just have to decide for yourself whether people are genuine online or not.
Have you ever heard the song Online by Brad Paisley? It’s pretty amusing.
Yes, I did. That photo was my husband’s idea. He did not help me with the dress though!
I have not heard that song!
For the most part I am pretty real on my blog. But there are a few things I don’t talk about. My work is one of those things. This is mainly due to the fact that I have co-workers who read my blog and I don’t want it to get back my bosses if I vent about my job.
I love the photos!!
Well i’m definitely NOT going to lie on my blog. I don’t have family or friends knowing about my blog..just yet. I just think it’s something for me and anyone else there in blog land interested in my racing/training..that’s about it.
I hold nothing back on my blog-it’s all out there good and bad. However, I only write about certain aspects of my life-running, eating, goals and non-detailed posts about my social life. I don’t write about work, too many details about my personal relationships or personal details.
I’m not sure what it says about me of how long it took me to connect the pictures to this post. Haha. I get it! I get it! You make me laugh. 🙂
I feel like I am more real on my blog than I am in real life. In real life, I’m *very* shy and quiet and hold back a lot of my true feelings. That’s just how I am. Once I get to know people and learn to trust them, I’m more open but even then, not as open as I tend to be on my blog. I think my blog is kind of like therapy for me. It’s a place for me to talk about my feelings and thoughts and what’s going on with me and how I feel about that.
As a sidenote, I found myself playing the comparison game so much towards the end of 2010, beginning of 2011 that I had to stop talking about running and get off Daily Mile because I was comparing myself to all the runners and their miles and paces and falling incredible short. (In my eyes.)
I feel like it’s therapy too. No one wants to listen to this stuff irl, so I put it here.
I can imagine Daily Mile would make me feel that way too!
First off, I love this post! So much good stuff to think about!
Me personally? I think of it all as filters. I’m no less real with my kids v. with my friends v. with my family v. online. I just filter as applicable. I don’t think any of these version of myself are any less real, just presented differently. John probably gets the MOST of me (haha!) but I don’t feel like I’m trying to be a different person, more trying to keep an even keel, based on what I know of all those different people.
I’m not sure that made any sort of sense.
It’s nice to hang with people (ie YOU) who require no “filtering” and I can just let it all out. It’s a relief at times! But I feel that to be a responsible and compassionate adult is to be aware of the feelings and personalities of others and share and act accordingly. Which in turn makes online sharing more difficult, since you can’t always be aware of what your audience is going through at any given time.
Alright, enough – I’m taking over your comments, lol….
Ooo, such a good point – in real life you can respond to how people are acting by the way you act… but you really can’t online!
I hate it when I have to be a filtered version of myself. Just. Hate. It!
I feel like overall I am real on my blog, but I do filter. I don’t think my family reads the blog but I know my roommates do so I can’t tell the world how I annoyed I am with them 🙂 I really do try to be real though which ends in me venting a lot of frustrations on the blog, but it happens.
Seriously, I am trying to study this morning and looking at those pictures has me laughing a lot! Love it (especially the wedding dress one)! Thanks for the laugh this morning!
I know what you mean about wanting to be able to complain about people 😉
I am happy I made you laugh!
I LOVE the pictures, awesome, awesome idea!
Are we altering ourselves or are we censoring ourselves when it comes to writing blogs? I think it’s true that we all tend to alter ourselves a little bit in real life depending on the company you’re in. Idk if I am making much sense.
This post is so great, I have to take time and really think about everything.
I think most of us are leaving stuff out instead of changing who we are. But the interactions we have online may result in a change in our personalities eventually!
I think filtering your online identity is not only normal, but a good idea. My husband is in the military and very cautious about what it out there online about him. So I try not to talk about him on my blog very often, and when I do, I try to avoid using his name. And lately I’ve been putting myself out there more as a local runner, and I’m starting to get tweets, etc, that are weirding me out a little (like “hey are you going to be at this race?” from someone I’ve never met in person and only tweeted with a few times awhile ago … maybe if he had been a she, I wouldn’t have found it as creepy). It’s starting me make me think I should try to hide my location a little bit better.
And I definitely can’t lie or pretend to be someone else on my blog, because I know my parents read it, as do many of my running friends (who I race with).
And I too love the pictures!
It is so so easy to figure out who someone is once they put their info online. All I had one time was a first name and I found the person’s address (to send them flowers, but still… weirdo). The twitter thing would weird me out too. Of course, I can’t get in to twitter at all! I tried it and just felt so overwhelmed!
I’ve been on Twitter for awhile and I still find it overwhelming. Now I just have a couple lists of my favorite Twitter-people (a “real life” list and a “runners” list) and I really only pay attention to those folks. Makes it much easier.
Also I got back and forth between “OMG MUST PROTECT MY IDENTITY” and change stuff to private/try to remove my last name, and “eh who cares” with what’s out there. But yeah, if you really want to find someone and you know just a little bit … it’s scary. Or is that just how it is now? We could say it was better in the old days when folks had more privacy, but (just thinking about where I work) you used to be able to call up a hospital with a name and they would give you a patient’s info. So is it really worse now?
I don’t think finding people is that much worse now… maybe just that we are more exposed to the weird things people do and it makes us worry more? And everyone says not to reveal things about yourself online, but a lot of it could be found. I mean, once you have someone’s name, if they are a homeowner, you can figure out where they live!
So happy to hear I am not the only one overwhelmed by twitter. I was kind of feeling like a loser. Do you do it on your phone? That was one of my probs – don’t have a smart phone so I was trying to follow along on the comp!
I use HootSuite (which is web based, and you can download an app). You can set up columns which makes it much more organized. I have a column with my two favorite lists, a column with “mentions” (anytime someones tweets at me) and then my feed of tweets from everyone I follow (which I usually ignore). I have some other columns set up for real-time searches and stuff. I like HootSuite a lot. Makes Twitter much more approachable.
My favorite part of this post – the pictures!!! Love them!
I do filter what I write about. I use my name and have friends who read it and there are some things that I am not comfortable putting out there. Lately there has been an issue of intention vs. interpretation that has me caught up in a mess. I find it tough to be honest and open without affecting someone else.
I’ve had that happen to me too – the interpretation issue. If I am writing about someone else now, I usually send it to them to read over first. Of course, you can be writing about yourself and have it mis-interpreted!
What you see is what you get. Which is probably irritable to my friends on FB during election season. ha. I’m trying to keep it toned down this year though.
I don’t write about work, family, or offline friends. I also don’t write about more personal aspects of my life or relationships. Other than that, the rest of what I put online is definitely me… I’m not really inventing an online persona or anything. Though I can’t say that the “me” that’s online is really who I am. It’s such a small part of my life compared to everything else that it’s probably not the best representation?
I censor/omit a lot of my thoughts while still maintaining authenticity (I hope!) and sometimes the feeling of censorship actually keeps me from writing. I do this in fear that people I work with will find me! That’s a very ego-centric and possibly crazy thought but I have a fairly visible role at work (and increasingly so) and although I do not find my identity in my job, I do feel a sense of responsibility that I would not be seen as a risky member of the executive team. Again, I KNOW I have elevated the paranoia in my head to a greater level than necessary but my company is very conservative overall, blah blah blah. It’s complicated!!
And LOL at the people on FB who only post negative things/drama…I really should hide those people so I don’t have to see it. I want to comment “You are causing your own drama! Stop being so negative and start being thankful!!”
Really great topic and nice treatment of it. The pictures add a lot too!
I’m not sure if I have much to add to the conversation that hasn’t been stated. I will say that I believe that there is a generational gap in some ways in terms of on-line culture (not that it all has to do with age!). I think some people, especially younger people, can’t imagine these days not sharing an experience on-line, whether it’s via facebook, twitter, a blog, or even just IM-ing with 100 of their best friends about it and there is, at times, a total lack of filter.
For myself, blogging is more of a journal. I do like the on-line community. For me, I haven’t connected with tons of people on line, but at work, I don’t talk a lot about the training and the races in which I participate. So, I like connecting with people who are really into that “scene”, but I can choose when and how I want to engage in the running/tri world vs. talking about it ad nauseum at work.
Maybe that is the beauty – deciding when to turn off or when to disengage.
Although, that’s a double-edged sword because there is also the possibility of NEVER disconnecting and feeling that your ‘true’ life is on-line.
Okay, my thoughts are now wandering, so I’ll sign off. Great topic though!
Hahahahaha, I love the addition of the photos!
My running club friends who read my running blog always tell me what a great writer I am. I think the blog allows them to see a facet of me that they don’t see normally since I’m not a big talker. Does this make me less authentic? I hope not. However, I’ve seen people be burned by letting it all hang out online (like, when my husband got fired for something he wrote online) so I’m a little more cautious. I feel, though, that if you write something it should be accurate, truthful, and that you should follow up on things you put out there.
I never assume that the people I meet in real life will be exactly like what I read about online, just because it’s easier to be happy, bubbly, social, “glossier” versions of ourselves when we edit the story. You can rarely edit real life.
I’m very open and honest on my blog but I don’t share everything. How could I? I’d have to live blog my life! 🙂 But I do understand what you’re saying here and relate. These blogs are snapshots of us but not all of us and that doesn’t mean we are lying or being fake. There is no way to share it all. I’ve not shared some family-related things because they are not my story to tell. I try to share what I can, what I am moved to share, when I feel like I have the voice to do so.
BUSTED! I’m actually a 5’10” hot blonde Victoria’s Secret model. I just didn’t want you all to feel bad, so I pretended to be a short, goofy, slowass runner to throw you off.
Really though, this post was very thought-provoking! I would say that, like so many more have said, while I may not talk about certain aspects of my life on my blog, it doesn’t mean that I’m omitting them for the purposes of censorship. Except for work. I’m really not allowed to say much about work because it could appear that I’m speaking on behalf of the company and blah, blah, blah… (stupid government rules). Other than that, I don’t think I censor anything. No one that knows me (except one friend and my sister) even knows about my blog, and God knows I don’t censor anything with them two anyway! lol
I can kind of relate to that social comparison theory. I went through a really rough patch over the summer. I pretty well quit reading and posting for a few months. I just couldn’t stand seeing everyone else’s successes and happiness while my life was full of so much suck. Misery loves company, ya know! 🙂
I really do think there are a lot of bloggers that post only for their audience. It almost without fail seems that when a blog gets a large enough following that it loses it’s authenticity. I’m all about keepin’ it real…
LOL! Your secret is out!
It’s awesome that only your sis and one friend know about your blog. I would feel much more free if mine was that way. My whole family knows. I forget some of them read. I am like “Oh crap. Grandma may have read that.” (6 days after posting something obnoxious).
I try really hard when I am in a crappy place to get joy out of other people’s blogs, but it is hard. I have to cut back sometimes too.
And amen to that – when bloggers get so large their crap is not personal at ALL. BARF!
I think I’m pretty true to myself on my blog. I feel like if any of my friends were to read it, they would know that it was me on the other side.
But at the same time, I also try not to put up anything that I wouldn’t want my Grandma to read, because it IS the internet, and I don’t want one stupid post to affect my chancees of getting a job (or whatever it may be) in the future.
Loved this post & the pics!!! Online identities – Whew! I’d like to believe that I am much like the words from my blog. What I’ve failed to leave out is much about my gay life/relationship and the fact that I’m a Moderate Conservative! I told myself that I would write more about the ‘whole picture’ of my every day life in 2012. Thanks for the reminder. I look forward to your blog updates. Cheers*** ~X~
Ooo, that sounds interesting! Yes! Write about that! 🙂
Great post and pictures! I think I leave out a lot of personal stuff on the blog – I sometimes feel like I should open up more, but I like to keep things personal I guess.
Very interesting post! And very true! Especially on Facebook it seems like a lot of people try and make their lives appear especially glamorous. For example, “Hobbies include sky diving, travelling to foreign countries and playing gigs with my awesome band!” You know, that kind of thing. I try to be honest in that respect. I really like to watch TV, surf the internet (and, let’s face it, so does everybody that’s active on Facebook) and sit on the couch. Hence, the name of my blog.
But I’m also not 100% truthful. There are a lot of things that I would like to write about that I don’t write about because I never know whose reading my blog. Mostly stuff about career plans and people at work.
I also sometimes tell teeny tiny lies because I feel like it makes the post sound better. For example, I recently mentioned a Glade air freshener when, in fact, we use AirWick air fresheners. But I didn’t want to use the word air twice in a row. Ha! So silly…but there you go. (SIGH) My conscience can rest now that I’ve come clean!
You liar! I will never trust you again!
LOL, totally kidding 😉
Oh gosh. I should go through and read people’s “hobbies” on FB. I bet it would make me laugh!
I think part of the reason I stopped blogging (aside from the enormous personal guilt when I didn’t write or comment on other people’s blogs) is that I felt like people seriously might start to think I was mentally ill. I tended to fall in the camp of blogging more when I was sorting things out, but I think I looked like a depressed crazy person the majority of the time.
My general approach to Facebook is sure, I want to seem witty/clever, but more important to me is that I make people smile or laugh. I also really enjoy when people I know who don’t know each other get into a discussion on something I posted. Not for selfish reasons, but because it always gives me a really interesting perspective. So sometimes I’ll rant or post about something mildly controversial, but I almost never post about politics.
I am very, VERY careful what I post about work because I had to sign a social media policy this year.
Also, P and I have kept our relationship on the down low only because we didn’t want people who knew us making a big stink about it.