How empathetic are you?
I was reading this interesting article (click link to read) about empathy in the December issue of SELF, and it really got me thinking about a few things. The focus of the article was about how empathy is declining, but that being empathetic not only makes you happier, but makes you more successful at work. And the article went in to a few ways to increase your empathy.
The whole article was interesting to me, but the first thing that really stood out was the paragraph on how we may be becoming less empathetic because of technology:
Except, as a society, we seem to be getting less empathy practice than we used to—and technology may be to blame. In the Michigan study, the decline in empathy test scores was especially sharp after the year 2000, which is when Friendster, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter came on the scene. To Konrath, that’s no coincidence. “Spending so much time interacting online could certainly change our ability to empathize,” she says. “When you see someone face to face, you get multiple signals—you hear her voice, note the movement of her eyes, take in her posture,” she says. But on Facebook, it’s tough to know how others are really feeling, not least because you rarely see the whole truth. (We’re all familiar with “friends” who use the medium to constantly trumpet how fabulous their life is.) At times, it can seem as if social media is more about creating a perfectly polished image than making a genuine connection. “It’s not that Facebook itself is going to somehow rot our capacity for empathy,” Konrath says. “It’s that it doesn’t require us to use much of it.” So after a while, if you spend more of your hours online, your instinct for reading others falls off. If you don’t use it, you could lose it.
So, the more time we spend interacting with people online, the less practice we get being empathetic in person. Sure, that makes sense. We shouldn’t be hermits. And online identities are often heavily edited* – we can’t trust our perception of their face value.
What do you think – does your online interaction with people affect how you relate to people in real life?
Another thing that stood out to me was that “empathy is the glue that keeps all relationships humming: friends who are skilled at understanding each other are less likely to have conflicts and are better at resolving them when they do happen.” When you make an effort to understand where the other person is coming from and feel for that, it opens up communication, you’re less judgmental, and strengthens the relationship (according to the article). They talked about how crucial this is in marriage – agreed!
Also, the article talked about how being more empathetic makes you happier, and why the higher ups at work don’t seem to be empathetic (didn’t you always want to know?) and how important empathy is in the work environment.
This article was kind of all over the place, and this post definitely is too. Please read the article (link above) if you are interested! But I do want to ask – how empathetic are you?
I’ve noticed that I start out quite empathetic with people. But the more I learn about them, the more or less empathetic I come. For example (and we all have this person in our lives) – I know someone who is irresponsible and continually makes bad decisions, yet has the “the world is after me” attitude. No it’s not, honey. You need to grow the eff up. And there it is <– a lack of empathy. When crappy things happen to that person, I have such a hard time forgetting their crappy personality and feeling empathy for them. I think “Karma, baby. You get what you deserve.” How awful is that?
On the other hand, I do have many friendships where I’ve have gotten to know someone more and more that I just really feel for everything that happens to them. Their sadness is my sadness. Their joy is my joy. If they are uneasy, I am too. It’s pretty amazing that you can be that close with someone! And the article is right – that amount of empathy does make me happy, and feel good. Not exactly in the moments of sadness and unease, but when I thinking “Wow, I really connect with this person.”
*This could really be an entire blog post in it’s own, but I am feeling lazy, so I will add it down here! There was also an interesting blurb in this magazine about “FOMO” – the fear of missing out. Click here to read it. Basically, it says “we tend to show an upbeat version of ourselves online, leaving out the bad parts.” So when you go online and see everyone is doing all these fun things, you have the fear of missing out. But you have to remember that other people may only be showing their “idea selves” online, and not to let yourself get down because you aren’t feeling as merry. Also, it says make your own plans with friends if you are feeling left out! Honestly, I was passing on invites during the holidays because I had too much to do! But I did see posts of many parties on Facebook and in blogs, so I can see why people might feel this way.
Themocracy
I can see how this is happening, however most of my friends are now internet friends. So..maybe I am a hermet? 😉
I do think I am pretty empathetic. But I do tend to make bad decisions sometimes. I will say this technological age has not improved my spelling! 😉
I met both of my best friends online, and only know people outside of the internet through my running club (and work, but I don’t consider them “friends” – ha!).
Interesting article and view. I never thought about it, but I think you’re on to something. As I’ve gotten older, I have become more sympathetic I think..
But how long have you been empathetic to that one person who keeps making bad decisions? I think everyone has their breaking point. I know I do and after awhile I just start shutting down my give a damn.
It doesn’t surprise me that people are less empathetic today. I guess I am especially more aware of how “off” people’s thought process are by having a special needs kids.
“shutting down my give a damn” – LOVE this!
I also like the phrase “I limit the number of f*cks I give.”
Have you seen the internet memes with the phrase “and not a single f*ck was given that day”? The next time I see a funny one I’ll email it to you 🙂
You know, I think I gave that person a few months, maybe half a year. But right away I saw them doing dishonest things… so it did not take long for my mood to switch 🙁
I have quite a few friends who have kids with special needs and they stuff they have to go through amazes me! Especially in this day and age – you would think people who be more aware and understanding now… it seems many aren’t (from what I have heard).
What Michel said.
And I think that society as a whole has been just as negatively impacted by technology as it has been positively impacted. I see this most in ANY company’s customer service. It’s as if we have forgotten completely how to interact with people in an understanding way. No one cares, or has a clue. (and yes, I realize this is a sweeping generalization, but it’s really struck me how this has changed in the last 20 years. I am old. Ugh.)
It’s like what we were talking about with Red Robin, and the Italian restaurant you and John went to. That is not exactly empathy, but it’s a sign SOMETHING is not right.
I feel the same way you do. I think you get out of the world what you put into it. So if you have a crappy attitude, or sit on your duff all day not actually going after what you want, and then you complain about your life, I really don’t care. BUT I do have a friend who is a really great person and has gone through some really tough stuff in her life, and I do feel empathy for her. HOWEVER, she doesn’t openly complain and get all “woe is me” AT ALL. She actively works through her problems and tries to make the best out of the situation. She doesn’t sit around waiting for someone or something to come along and solve her problems (because she’s an adult and realizes that’s not happening anytime soon). And even though she can barely provide for her own family, she tries to give as much as she can to others (usually by giving her time or her own empathy). So I admire her 110 percent and genuinely feel bad for her when yet another bad thing happens to her or her family. BUT I know she is strong and will get through whatever life sends her way. Maybe that idea of “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” is really true. She’s proven she can handle a lot. Other people haven’t proven they can handle anything, so nothing comes their way. Or maybe they don’t go after anything, so nothing comes their way.
Anyway … very interesting post!
Thanks for your thoughtful response! I hope your friend’s luck turns around.
The person I had in mind when I wrote that really wants to lose weight. But she wants to take shortcuts… well, you get what you put in, like you said. A cleanse is not going to magically work – maybe taking a hard look at your habits and trying to change them one at a time will? I just can’t feel bad for her “failed efforts” because they never seemed like efforts to me in the first place.
But, re: taking on what you can handle – it must be so foreign for some people to put in extra effort, because they never have. They aren’t used to the load.
Especially with working out you get what you put in! For sure.
I think I’m a lot like you. Some people I can easily empathize with while others I reach a breaking point and their attitude about the situations they are in is tough to handle. I think some people cause their own hardships just by their attitudes.
Just this morning I overheard a conversation from a lady I’m beginning to admire a lot (I’ve never spoken to her but I see her almost everyday). A guy got on the train and she asked him how he was. He (and the other older men who get on at his station and chat the whole way into the city) is rather cynical and he said ‘How would you like it if I spilled coffee on your head?’ jokingly (I think) and she responded ‘It’d dry. And I like the smell of coffee so I wouldn’t mind smelling like that all day’. He just laughed at that response. I loved it.
Ir really means a lot to be able to take a joke (?) like that and respond that way. She has the right attitude!
As a teacher of poor, inner city children, I saw poverty firsthand. I did not see people gaming the welfare system. Recently, I read Cutting for Stone, a memorable story from Ethiopia. I just finished Half the Sky, a collection of incidents regarding women in third world countries who are victims of rape, sex trafficking, slavery and nonexistent medical care. Although a very difficult read, it is a piece of non fiction all women should be aware of. It has become very easy for me to empathize when I ponder how fortunate I am. I look around me and see people affected by the greed of corporations and the rich and I feel I must not hide my head but reach out and do something.
That is a very good point – maybe one way to become more empathetic would be to look outside of our immediate environment and recognize the suffering in the rest of the world. The author mentioned that a short bit in the article – but she mentioned how she did NOT do that because it made her uncomfortable (I think that is what she said).
I think I am a lot like you, I am either more or less empathetic depending on how I “view” the person (that sounds bad) or how close we are! The closer I get to someone, the more empathetic I am towards them. I can see where technology has played a huge part in the way people actually interact with each other and honestly, that’s why I don’t have a FB page, because of the “ideal self” that people claim to have (that just drives me bonkers)!
And (hopefully this won’t come out the wrong way), that’s one reason I LOVE your blog so much, you don’t try to make it all pretty and happy and “my life is perfect”, you just call it like you see it and lay it ALL out- not just the good stuff!!
=^..^=
It doesn’t come out the wrong way. Thank you 🙂 P.S. I think you should start another blog 😉
Some people are just SO obnoxious on Facebook. What is worse – those who highlight all the good, or those who think everything is bad? LOL!
I am definitely not very empathetic. I try to be, but it’s not something that comes naturally to me. Maybe I haven’t been surrounded by people who I’ve needed to feel empathy for? Jason can’t even watch medical shows (people or animals) because he feels too much empathy for the person or animal undergoing surgery whereas it doesn’t bother me in the least!
I think you should do a post on the FOMO article! I liked that one a lot, actually.
I cannot even tell you how many ASPCA commercials I had to mute this weekend because they made me feel too awful.
Your comment about maybe not being around people you’ve needed to feel empathy for intrigues me. What sort of people do you think you would feel empathy for? Like someone who has bad health, or just lost their job – those sort of crises?
The article mentioned every day empathy, such as in the office, when a coworker can’t make it to a meeting, and you have to run it for them, since their kid is sick. Rather than getting pissed off (ha ha) you think about the situation they are in, do it for them, then you build on trust because they see you’ve got their back.
I thought that example was interesting because I have a coworker who calls in sick all the time, but we know is not sick… so I never feel like covering for her. I am not empathetic. But I am for other coworkers.
Should I talk more about actually FOMO (feeling left out) or our online identities, and how true to our actual nature they are?
Empathy is a HUGE part of nursing, so I suppose I get to practice it a fair amount and seeing people in bad situations keeps me in check. However, I have a little less empathy when someone is doing something stupid (fell asleep/passed out smoking pot? sorry…), and I also tend to have less empathy for people who complain about their coffee being made wrong. Really, get over yourselves. Maybe that’s bad…
I think I would be the same way about people doing something stupid. I mean, you would still feel bad for them, but not on that true empathetic level.
How do you find out what happened that they end up in the burn unit? Do you always know? That really helps you know how to treat them, right? I suppose most people are conscious enough to tell you what happened?
I’m the same way. I think I’m pretty empathatic towards the people I’m close to and care a lot about. I’m totally not empathatic towards people I don’t like. I think that’s perfectly reasonable. Ha!
I’m jumping on a bit late, but I did want to add something. In education, there is a lot of research on the brain and empathy and how students learn better if they feel that the teacher is empathetic. This is not to be confused with “nicer” or “easier”, because I think that you can be very demanding and still empathetic. For myself, I know that my relationship with students has improved as I’ve tried to be a more empathetic teacher.
That is really interesting! What have you done to be more of an empathetic teacher?
Listen more and be aware of adolescent development. The latter is probably more important because while I teach students who are, in so many ways, mature, they are still kids and they make mistakes. Maybe it’s easier to be empathetic to them because I know that is a normal part of growing up.
If an adult keeps making the same mistake over and over, then it IS a bit more difficult to be empathetic.