If you want it to mean something, say something
I was surprised by the amount of comments I got on Facebook about saying goodbye to Data. And by how thoughtful and kind they were. (Not that I expected the opposite – I had NO expectations. I only post on personal Facebook a few times a year, so it’s kind of funny there’s several paragraphs about it below.)
I actually said to Steven, “people have been saying such nice things about Data on Facebook. They’re so thoughtful. I always feel awkward when I try to express my condolences – I’m going to remember some of these nice phrases and use them [when appropriate].”
Because what I realized is, in a situation like this, for me (everyone is different), it’s the comments/words that mean the most, not the “likes,” or “loves,” or “sad faces.”
I’m not mentioning this to criticize anyone, except myself. In the past, when I’ve seen a not-close friend share a death or sad news and I don’t know what to say, I’ve just clicked on the “sad face,” and thought, “they’ll see I feel sad about this.”
What I realized is, they probably WON’T see that unless they’re sitting at their computer with a notification for every “like.” Or unless they go back and read through the list of who “liked,” and who “loved,” etc. Maybe people do that? But I don’t. I do look at the number of “likes” and think “wow, people are responding,” but what warms my heart is the comments – not the “likes.”
If that makes ANY sense.
This a funny era to live in. Twenty years ago I would have told close friends and family in person, and not many people would know. But now I have social media and the opportunity to share if I want, and mourn in “public.” And in people’s busy days, when they take time to scroll through all the crap on Facebook (and actually see a post at all due to stupid algorithms), a “like” is appreciated… it just doesn’t have the same effect. Again, if that makes any sense.
So like I mentioned yesterday, there’s been some strange guilt with all this kindness, and some thinking of “I could have been more thoughtful when so-and-so went through this.” But the past is past. I’m learning. And like I said – just a comment (whether on social media or via text/email/in person – not everyone is on there) means a lot to me, so maybe it will to other people too? A not-close friend shared the passing of her dog yesterday and instead of just leaving the “sad face,” I wrote something.
This is my blog and I can write about this for as long as I want but GEESH I need something else to talk about!!!!!
Themocracy
Glad to hear that I’m not the only person who feels like they don’t have the right words to say or write to someone after a loss…and yes, I’ve tried to remember what others say for future use but I never can. It IS hard to say something that doesn’t sound trite, but you are right – just letting someone know WITH WORDS means a great deal.
Thanks for getting what I am saying! And just so you know, you been saying the right stuff to me! <3 But exactly, you don't want it to sound trite or generic! Some people are just so good with words.
I’ve had times like that where I’ve felt like I should have stepped up but all you can do is use it as a learning experience (which you already have).
Also don’t feel underserving if people say nice things its because they like you (as well as Data)!
Exactly! Live and learn. We could always do more OR less, so there is no point in getting too caught up about it. Or so I tell myself.
Thanks. I am trying!!! This is a new feeling to me. It’s odd.
I always read through all the people who’ve liked/reacted to my posts, haha. I don’t think the notifications are as easy to keep up with as they used to be (by “used to be” I mean “like back in 2009” 😛 ), so that’s the only way that I really know who’s reacted to a post in some way. But when I post about something big, I do really appreciate the comments! It feels much more personal. That being said, I basically never comment on other people’s posts (Facebook posts, that is – clearly I’m an enthusiastic blog post commenter!), so I am a bit hypocritical about the whole thing: wanting other people to comment on my posts, while never commenting myself.
We found the person who does it! Ha! Just teasing, of course! 😉 I do not post on Facebook much at all, so I could very well be in the minority with my habits there!
I do think the notifications kind of suck now too. Not all the changes on there are for the better!
Ha! So why do you think you don’t comment? I do on the big stuff, when I see it, but not on the obvious fishing for attention stuff (obviously not stuff like this), or the millionth post of the same subject. That gets a like 😉
WELL this is terrible, especially because I’m sure there’s a setting I could adjust to make it stop happening, but the main reason why I don’t comment is because I don’t want to get notifications that other people commented on the post, too. I KNOW. I’m the worst. That’s like the silliest thing ever to get bothered by, but it does irk me, so I only comment if I REALLY, REALLY feel compelled to.
As soon as I comment on something I go to the top of that post and click the three dots to “unfollow” the thread. I don’t want all the notifications either. Especially if it’s big news. Cause it’ll just blow up my notifications.
So yeah, you can’t adjust it OVERALL, but you can each time you comment! I obviously think all those notifications are annoying too 😉
I understand what you mean. I found posting on FB when my dad died last year to be a very good way to let people know, and the comments that people left meant a lot to me. I have a significant number of friends who aren’t on FB, and who I don’t see in real life, and I wrote an email to them to let them know, and it meant a lot to me when people responded or sent a card. I think when you go through the situation yourself, that is when you suddenly realize how much those expressions of sympathy can mean to someone.
Yes, exactly – you really do realize when YOU go through it (and learn from it!). I am glad posting on Facebook and emailing about it helped you. We need all those little responses, because they make us feel good, if only for a few moments!!!
Ooh yes. I had the exact same thought after reading the responses to my post about Dutch’s passing! Some people had such great messages that comforted me so much, and it was a good reminder of what to say when someone’s pet passes away because sometimes I don’t feel like I do a very good job with sympathy. Or I get all up in my head about the “right” thing to say.
I am glad you had a lot of comforting messages! I was surprised at how thoughtful people are! Not like I didn’t expect them to be, it just wowed me. I am sure you get what I mean. And I think you do a great job with sympathy 🙂
I’m reading a book about how to express condolences and be supportive/comforting when something bad happens to someone you know (in the hopes that I’ll be better at it). One thing the book stresses at the beginning is that you have to forgive your past self for not knowing how to react to a sad situation and say the right thing. It’s great that you feel more empowered to say something personal in the future, but definitely no need to beat yourself up for not knowing what to say in the past.
I read something that when you’re comforting someone about a loss, most bereaved people enjoy hearing a fond memory or special detail that you remember about the person (or pet) they’ve lost. They might not know about that little facet of that person’s personality. I try to do this now, and it definitely helps *me* to have something more concrete to write in a card.
That sounds like an interesting book! What is it called and why did you decide to read it?
That makes me feel better that is says that right away – it must be a common feeling!
I think that is a great tip! And I know that I do enjoy it, when people share things like that with me! And it definitely helps with writing cards. Gawd, sometimes I have NO CLUE what to write.