The Exercise Widow
I read a really interesting (to me anyway) article today – A Workout Ate My Marriage – about (amateur) endurance athletes who spend a lot of time exercising, and maybe not so much time with their families.
The article described situations where one spouse was up early to work out for a few hours in the morning, leaving the other spouse to wake up alone. Then at night, the athletic spouse (the one who woke up early) would either want to get another workout in, or go to bed early so they could wake up early the next day and repeat (sound familiar Steven)? On the weekends, the athletic spouse would be gone, working out for maybe 5-6 hours, sometimes both days.
Hence, the “Exercise Widow” – the spouse left at home, feeling like the don’t have a spouse at all.
The article brought up a lot of interesting points, and I want to touch on a few.
- Apparently, a lot of couples go to therapy to discuss how one spouse is always gone exercising. This makes the non-athletic spouse (for lack of a better term) feel lonely, and like they are left home to take care of all of the chores and raise the children (if applicable).
- One woman was quoted as saying that after she started exercising and lost weight, she felt attracted to other men, and less so to her husband. She said she “settled for him” because she thought that was the best she could get. My mom, sister and I were actually discussing this back in November. Apparently, they know quite a few women who have done this. The article said there is no concrete data on how much having one exercise-obsessed spouse in a marriage affects divorce rates.
- Another exerciser’s family had an intervention to ask him to exercise less!
The article’s solution? Workout together, if you can. Or at least, both be interested in exercise, if you can, and support your spouse at their athletic events.
I know that’s not always realistic. I would say, like with any other marital problem – COMMUNICATE. Let your spouse know the commitment your training takes and see how they feel about it. Make compromises. Be considerate. Don’t be (too) selfish. And don’t be gone all the time.
I am not always the best at that, but I try. I DO STEVEN, I REALLY DO!!!
What do you think about the article? Do you think it’s an issue when one person in a relationship is a heavy exerciser and one isn’t? Have you ever been in that situation?
Themocracy
That’s a scary article. I totally did that to my wife last summer, training for Ironman. I always thought, if I workout before dawn, and get home by breakfast she’d be okay. I guess waking up alone is hard on a wife. The weekends were always difficult. I tried to make Sunday a family day, but I did go out and do a long run at dawn.
All of that said, I’m staring down a commitment to do ANOTHER Ironman race in 2012. Oops.
At first I thought the subject was “Exercise Window”. This topic is much more interesting.
I worry that I do that to Jason and especially now that so many of my friends are also runners. Then again, he has his car racing and that takes up a lot of time in the summer so I suppose it’s a trade off. I bet it’s worse when one person doesn’t have a hobby or an interest that gets them out of the house.
My husband is not an exerciser, but he supports me SO much. So I try not to let it take TOO much of our time. I do a lot of early early morning running, and now that James is in school I try to run during that time as much as I can. The weekend long run is tough though. That said, he’s never ever complained about this new habit of mine…
I am incredibly happy to have my boyfriend to help keep me motivated to run when I’m low on energy. He’s a great inspiration. While we don’t actually run together (although I bribed him today-we’ll see! 🙂 we often go for our runs at the same time of day.
I definitely noticed some of the “left out” feelings as we have recently had some different schedules for running — I’m keeping Saturday mornings for my long run, and he’s got two other times for his longest workout sessions. Definitely more planning and not quite the same laundry schedule either!
very interesting article…. amazing how different relationships can be. there are folks who run together, folks who are torn apart by it, and then the last guy who smokes 2 packs daily, but volunteers at his wife’s races. hmmmm
I thought it was window as well—ha! When I’m in working out mode, Mr. P could not be more supportive. But it helps that I can work out during the day most of the time.
I think it is hard when one person in a relationship is more into working out than another. Or if they are more into eating healthy. It’s definitely a struggle. Mr. Darcy and I have trouble with this. He doesn’t exercise at all and I go to classes 5 days a week plus get up early to do some yoga, sit ups, push ups, and meditate while he sleeps (he sleeps a lot). I feel like we’re not on the same page and it is frustrating to be the only one concerned about health. I feel alone in it and it’s hard.
Haha I agree with Erin…I thought it said “Exercise Window” too!
Anyway. One of the biggest things I miss about my past relationship was how we would run together. We could do most of our runs at the same pace (and let’s face it, he would tempo at my pace anyway…), especially the long runs. It was something we shared and we both knew that we’d have a long run on the weekends. While I don’t regret ending that relationship, it was awesome to be able to share that with someone.
While I’m not married or in a serious relationship, I really don’t think I could be with someone who doesn’t place some value on exercise…they don’t necessarily have to be a runner (although a million bonus points if they are!), but they’d have to understand long runs and early mornings to get to races. I’d like them to have athletic interests of their own, whether it’s a weekly basketball league or a love for cycling/swimming/etc.
That being said, I could totally understand the loneliness of waking up alone or feeling like you have more responsibility if your partner is out running on Saturday morning and you have the kids. Like you said, it’s all about communication…people need to make their needs known and discuss what is best for them.
Brian and I take turns working out. Mondays I have yoga until 530pm so Brian makes dinner. Also some days I will make sure I exercise in the morning so I can hang out with Brian at night or Brian will go in the morning. I know that my running sometimes makes Brian angry just because he doesn’t want to see me get hurt. He worries about me and wants me to be happy and knows that i am most happy when I am running and not injured.
That’s a really interesting article. Brian and I are both pretty active and like to work out together. If we didn’t I would probably feel a little bitter, then feel guilty because exercising is great “me time” that I enjoy.
I think that could definitely be an issue. I have a colleague who had to stop doing ultra marathons and century rides and whatnot because he has a wife and two kids and a job that already demands plenty of time outside of ‘regular’ hours (he’s a coach and a teacher).
Personally, Michael and I try to find a balance. He totally supports me, and we are active together, but he doesn’t race (yet?!). Still, as I’ve committed myself to a more demanding schedule for the next few months, I’m aware that it will take more effort to find the balance that we’ve enjoyed easily over the past two years or so.
Interesting article. Sounds like the guy profiled is losing some perspective if he is spending 22 hours a week training and only sees his kids briefly each night and for Friday night dinner.
My exercise routine takes about 6 hours on the weekend (including drive time), and unfortunately my exercise schedule is opposite my husband’s hobby schedule. We have made Sunday nights a regular couple time and that has worked out great.
A scheduled date night is a great solution!
Did you see, The Great Fitness Experiment did a post on this article too! While I was training for the Ironman, I think it did strain our relationship a bit. Kent was very patient! He kept himself busy, though. I think it helped that we don’t have kids. Only one person was affected. There should be a follow up article. Now that I’m not training for anything I have SO much free time. However, Kent is still working a lot. SO, I have had to find ways to fill my time so I don’t get lonely. I was really depressed and lonely for a few months after the Ironman. I didn’t hang with my Tri-friends anymore and Kent was always at the office. I realized that I have to fill my time with new people!
Yes! New people. Come see us! Or we’ll come see you!!!
It seems like a goofy “problem”, but I definitely saw aspects of my own relationship reflected in that article. I guess it’s easier when you don’t have kids. If one spouse got “stuck” with the bulk of the responsibilities, that would be a hard imbalance, I imagine.
However, I think there are probably more articles than that one. Like say, “Grad School Ate My Marriaage”.
I read this article today as well. I am going to be very honest here: I only date guys who are also into exercising and being in shape and healthy. And I believe in a balance. I think you nailed it with communication though- that is the #1 key!
I want to add one thing: I think it also depends on personalities. Like, for me…waking up alone is not a problem. Neither is eating alone. I guess if the hobby was going to strip clubs or drinking, I would have a problem with it…but if a partner is doing something to better themselves, more power to them!
sounds like the same as when women say he spends all his time golfing with his buddies 🙂 these things come up when you are feeding only one aspect of your life, so sure if you never make time for family or your running always takes priority therapy might be needed! Now i run a lot for sure, but i also get quality time with david 🙂
I think you are right, that it is just like anything in marriage, where if you communicate it is easier to figure out.
I am always up for trying anything. My husband used to be that way too. When I first started training for triathlons, my husband and I used to get up early on one weekend day, take the kids to the gym’s daycare and then exercise together. It was really nice. We were swimming so we didn’t actually interact much, but just doing something together was nice. He was definitely not into it as much as I was, but still made the effort so he didn’t feel left out and I felt like he was supporting my interest. I also tried to have my longer workout times at times he was busy or not home so he wouldn’t have to be left out if he didn’t feel like running or swimming or whatever. It is a balance thing though, and I think as long as everyone is honest and works to make the other person feel better about everything it can work out fine.
Oh Tori, you are always so considerate! 🙂 This does not surprise me at all! 🙂