Comments (18)

By kilax, July 22, 2008 12:56 pm

On Tuesday mornings, sales representatives visit our office to promote their products, as well as (more importantly?) give us free breakfast.

Every week it’s something different – bagels, croissants, yogurt, huge fruit platters, quiche (someone brought two huge quiches today!), donuts, etc.

Normal people can go to the presentation, listen to it, wait patiently to grab one thing to eat at their desk, and call it a day. Not me. I have the unique capability to eat and eat and eat, whether or not it tastes good, until I get too lazy to get up anymore.

So since I have been trying to eat healthy lately, I’ve been attending the presentations, but not eating ANYTHING AT ALL (with the small, occasional exception of a few bites of fresh fruit). Even though the quiche smells amazing, the croissants look incredibly soft and flaky, and they brought that yummy strawberry cream cheese… I am mentally saying “no.”

And that is because I don’t know moderation. Only restriction and indulgence.

I’ve never learned moderation. Even when I’ve been at my healthiest, I’ve still been extremely careful about what I eat. I’ve flirted with moderation a bit – counting out how many chips is a serving, only eating one piece of chocolate. Yeah, it feels good to have that control, but it is not something that comes natural.

I’ve always been an “all-or-nothing” person when it comes to eating. So that is why I will write here that I am eating healthy, but then when we go out together, I’ll stuff my face. That’s because I’d rather eat what I want at a restaurant then eat something “healthy” that isn’t what I really wanted… and probably doesn’t even taste that good! And after I eat all of that yummy restaurant food, I will get back on my healthy eating plan.

I know I should be able to eat half a croissant, or half of a veggie burger, or whatever, and moderate it. But I can’t. I’m really trying to work on it so I can be a more normal person though.

On the side: I constantly feel like I am repeating myself here. Constantly. Ha. I think half of that feeling is true – I AM repeating myself. But I think the other half is that I am so familiar with the thoughts I am sharing with you, I only FEEL like I am repeating myself. So, if I really am repeating topics… sorry!

Comments (18)

By kilax, July 17, 2008 5:53 am

Ever since we started bowling so vigorously three months ago, my left hip has been in a lot of pain. It usually begins to flare up towards the middle of the second game. By the third game (and there’s almost always a third game), I am almost hobbling back to the seating area after I play.

Then, for the next few days, I am in quite a bit of pain whenever I get up out of a chair, or sometimes even when I am just walking around. The pain never really goes away completely, because we go bowling almost every three days.

Everyone keeps telling me I need to stretch out before I play. Fine. I’ll stretch out. BUT HOW to I stretch out my hip area?! (No perverted suggestions – you know I’m talking to you!)

I imagine that if I got rid some of the extra weight I am carrying around it wouldn’t hurt so much. But what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

Comments (15)

By kilax, July 14, 2008 10:14 pm

Kyra’s post about weight today really struck a chord with me, mainly the part when she said (wrote?), “Sometimes I feel as though I have had to give myself permission to lose weight.”

For at least three-quarters of the past year, I haven’t really cared about my body. I ate whatever I wanted and put on weight. I just didn’t care. Even when I saw pictures of myself looking awful and unhealthy. Even when Steven tried to help me. I just didn’t have the right attitude. I wasn’t ready to take care of myself.

Then, a few weeks ago, I started eating healthy again, or at least making healthier choices (unfortunately not on the 4th of July weekend, or this weekend, but… I was at least conscious). I’m not exercising again yet, but I can see this all headed that way.

What worries me, is that I have NO IDEA what made me want to change. NO IDEA AT ALL. I gave myself the permission to be healthy, but why?

So while I am trying to take care of myself now, I know that it could all change again.

I just wish I could figure myself out. Because the physical weight is more than physical. It’s beginning to weigh down on me mentally as well.

Comments (9)

By kilax, April 6, 2008 7:55 pm

I used to be that woman who refused to buy clothes that weren’t a certain size. Even though the clothing size label isn’t on the outside of clothing, it still makes me feel rotten on the inside to not be wearing “my size.” It’s a mental thing.

So I wore all “my size” clothes until they got tighter and tighter. Then I finally went shopping and couldn’t find anything that “fit.” Well duh. I kept looking for “my size.”

Steven was with me and trying his hardest to help me find a pair of pants for work. He brought me a nice pair of pants and said, “Why don’t you try these on?”

Well, I freaked out. “THOSE WON’T FIT!”

“What do you mean they won’t fit?” he asked. “You haven’t even tried them on!”

“They are my OLD size. I don’t fit that size anymore. I need something BIGGER.”

After I told him, I wanted to cry. But at the same time, getting it out made me feel better. I didn’t feel so bad buying bigger clothes after that.

And honestly, I don’t think I am a disgusting, unattractive person at this weight. I just look at pictures of myself, say, 50 pounds ago, and feel so sad for what I know I can be.

*that is not me in the photo, but probably close to what I look like*

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Today’s Idiom: a pig in a poke – an item you purchase without having seen; a disappointment

Luckily, our new couch and loveseat didn’t turn out to be a pig in a poke! We placed our order based off of a picture in an ad!

Comments (15)

By kilax, February 4, 2008 5:34 am

When I saw a commercial for this yesterday I was in awe:

There is a problem with this photo though. It shows a pie tin and some sort of pie crust inside of it, then the filling. But what do you need a pie tin and crust for when you have “Ready-to-Eat” cheesecake filling? Doesn’t that just mean it is ready to eat right out of the tub?

Because if I wanted to be any more of a careless pig, that is what I would eat. Luckily, Target didn’t have any when we did our shopping yesterday.

Ha ha.

Actually, Steven and I are on a pretty healthy eating plan. At the beginning of the week, we stock up on salad, fruit, vegetables, and healthy snacks. And we take them to work and eat them. We usually do really well throughout the week on not eating out (unless we are working VERY late – it happens) and making sure we don’t eat too much throughout the day.

I could be doing a lot better on exercising though. Steven just jumps on the treadmill and is off and running… when I get on I am huffing and puffing and get discouraged. And it doesn’t help I have been getting home past 8:30 a few nights a week.

But I’m trying. And that’s what counts. I am sure that I will eventually catch up with my work and be able to commit some time to exercise… because we all know work is more important than exercise, right? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…

Comments (16)

By kilax, January 31, 2008 5:31 am

I keep on getting a bloody nose during my nightly shower. I am standing there, pretending to clean myself while Steven uses a stopwatch to time my shower, when BAM! there is blood all over the bath.

Okay, that’s pretty gross.

But really, what’s the deal? I read that “heated indoor air dries out the nostrils” and causes nose bleeds… but why now? I don’t remember ever getting them when I was young! So now when I do get them, I am always surprised, even though, yes, it always happens at the same time.

Does this mean I need a humidifier or something? Or do I just need to quit picking my nose?

Comments (10)

By kilax, January 23, 2008 6:10 am

I hate packing my lunch in the morning, counting calories, looking at nutrition labels, taking mental notes. Caring.

Actually, I hate packing a lunch at all. Why can’t I just get some takeout at work? Not caring?

Just kidding. Just kidding. I care about my health. And my money (because takeout adds up!).

But sometimes it’s hard to be a healthy adult. I have the sugary appetite of a child, but the mental state of an adult who knows better.

I’m working on that…

Comments (13)

By kilax, January 14, 2008 5:50 am

Hanging my 5K runner’s bibs tags on my closet wall was supposed to make me feel proud and motivate me…

… so why haven’t I run one since April 19th?

Of course, as soon as I started working, I stopped running. I wake up at 5:15 am each weekday, and REFUSE to wake up earlier than that to run! And when I get home around 7:30 pm or later, and still have to eat dinner, I don’t feel like running on a full stomach or getting my heart rate back up right before I go to bed.

But lately, with everyone talking about losing weight and staring to exercise again, I am starting to feel motivated. More importantly than that, I am missing how much I enjoy running and how good it makes me feel.

I want to go for it again. I am just afraid of not sticking with it. Again. I’m afraid of failure.

Comments (9)

By kilax, January 3, 2008 5:47 am

I received my January issue of Glamour magazine in the beginning of December. I usually devour new magazines, as I am eager to read something on my long train ride home besides my crap excuse for a newspaper.

But I was too intimidated by the January issue to read it. It had a huge heading on the front that said “Get to your happy weight!” I opened up the magazine and saw that almost 20 pages of the issue were dedicated to “getting a healthy body for life.” (That’s a lot, for a magazine that is probably 50% ads)

I skipped over those articles and choose to read the fluff article on Carrie Underwood instead. Then I put the paper aside. I didn’t reopen it to read “short hair you can wear,” “How to love a crazy job,” or even “America’s best dos & don’ts!” Every time I opened the magazine, it seemed to flip open to those “getting a healthy body for life” pages, and I just wasn’t ready to read them. Who is in December? Who wants to read about what not to eat, and how to portion your meals in the middle of the holidays?

But why am I not reading it now? The truth is, I don’t need to read “Exactly what to eat to lose weight.” I know exactly what to eat to lose weight. I know exactly what to do to lose weight. I have done it successfully before.

And I have gained it all back, successfully before.

What I don’t know, is how to make myself dedicated to a healthy eating lifestyle. Because believe me, I know it’s not a diet. I just don’t know how to say “no” to myself.