Comments (12)

By kilax, September 8, 2009 1:05 pm

Day One of Operation “Appear Awake at Work” is off to a rocky start.*

Can you even tell I have makeup on in this photo?!

I am probably setting myself up for failure by trying to wake up so early. Last night was one of those nights where the bed felt perfect and I instantly fell asleep. And I didn’t wake up once!** Not until this morning, when Steven was rubbing my arm (and I was thinking, “What’s he up to?!” Winky Wink.) then said, “Are you going to get up?” It was 4:05. My alarm had gone off at 4:00, and I hadn’t even realized it… yet had somehow managed to turn it off. Weird. Good thing he woke me up!

This weekend was so relaxing. I don’t recall the last time I’ve felt so relaxed. I got a full nine hours of sleep on both Friday and Saturday night, and felt refreshed and energetic all day Saturday and Sunday. It was really weird not to feel tired and crash and the middle of the day like I normally do.

It sure would be great to get that much sleep every night.

I had to wake up earlier this morning so I can make it to an evening appointment with my therapist (Yay flexible work hours!). I think it’s been a month since I last saw her. I canceled my last appointment because I didn’t feel like I had made much progress. And I didn’t feel like sitting there, complaining about the same old issues. It would just make me feel worse for, well, not having made any progress on the same old issues!***

It’s so weird to sit and talk to someone for an hour about how you feel and not have to ask them anything AT ALL. When I am talking to someone, I am naturally conscious of how much I am talking in comparison to them, if I am interrupting them, and if they look bored. Well, talking to a therapist throws all of that out the window. I can just go on and on about whatever I want, and they have to listen. Yippee!

The only problem is that I enjoy bitching to my therapist so much that I have a hard time remembering what she says. She has a lot of good feedback, ideas and analogies, but she tells me so much that I can’t remember it all. An hour is a long time! Maybe I should bring a notepad.

*I’ve decided it’s time to start putting some effort into my appearance again. I am sick of the “you look so tired” comments. I am tired, DAMMIT!
**I’ve been having issues with waking up often in the night, so this is awesome.
***I doubt some issues EVER go away.

Comments (14)

By kilax, July 1, 2009 11:45 am

You know what’s exhausting? Trying to give someone what they want, when what they want is constantly changing*.

I am sick of trying to figure people (and their mood swings) out. I know it’s their issue, not mine, but still, it’s exhausting and wearing me down.

My therapist pointed out that when someone is really detail oriented and likes to pick things apart, that by letting it ruin my day, I am doing the same thing – focusing in on the irrelevant details. What a good point. So I am working on not letting the small things build up, but in the meantime… ugh. I feel like I am constanlty being attacked.

*Because they are crazy, and want one thing one day and something different the next.

Comments (18)

By kilax, June 2, 2009 6:37 am

For some reason, I was really excited that June 1st started on a Monday. I felt like it was giving me a “fresh start” – a new month and on a MONDAY! I was going to get enough sleep, eat healthy, exercise, get everything done in the evening, and go to bed at 9:30.

Ha. Ha ha. My day quickly turned to crap around lunch time, and didn’t get much better. I suppose the gloom and rain in Chicago didn’t help either.

What’s so silly is that I know that ANY moment can be the moment to make a “fresh start” or change something. A phone call that bothers me in the morning shouldn’t ruin my day. I shouldn’t just throw my healthy diet out the window if I eat too much at lunch time. I’ve got to get rid of this “all or nothing” mindset!

I’ve been saying that forever…

And I’ve been thinking about this forever, which is just fueling the fire. I am sick of trying to “fix me.” I am sick of thinking about being healthy. I am sick of trying to figure out what makes me so anxious and impatient. I just want it all to go away. I just want it all to work ITSELF out.

I don’t want to think about it anymore.

So I’m going to pay someone else to think about it. I’ll see how that goes. I’ve had both bad and good experiences with therapy. Maybe it will be different now that I am an adult paying for it with actual health insurance (versus being in college).

Side Note: It totally cracks me up how many comments I got on yesterday’s “Attacked by birds” post! Thanks for all of your fun comments!