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By kilax, June 2, 2009 6:37 am

For some reason, I was really excited that June 1st started on a Monday. I felt like it was giving me a “fresh start” – a new month and on a MONDAY! I was going to get enough sleep, eat healthy, exercise, get everything done in the evening, and go to bed at 9:30.

Ha. Ha ha. My day quickly turned to crap around lunch time, and didn’t get much better. I suppose the gloom and rain in Chicago didn’t help either.

What’s so silly is that I know that ANY moment can be the moment to make a “fresh start” or change something. A phone call that bothers me in the morning shouldn’t ruin my day. I shouldn’t just throw my healthy diet out the window if I eat too much at lunch time. I’ve got to get rid of this “all or nothing” mindset!

I’ve been saying that forever…

And I’ve been thinking about this forever, which is just fueling the fire. I am sick of trying to “fix me.” I am sick of thinking about being healthy. I am sick of trying to figure out what makes me so anxious and impatient. I just want it all to go away. I just want it all to work ITSELF out.

I don’t want to think about it anymore.

So I’m going to pay someone else to think about it. I’ll see how that goes. I’ve had both bad and good experiences with therapy. Maybe it will be different now that I am an adult paying for it with actual health insurance (versus being in college).

Side Note: It totally cracks me up how many comments I got on yesterday’s “Attacked by birds” post! Thanks for all of your fun comments!

Comments (14)

By kilax, April 27, 2009 12:11 pm

Do you ever worry about becoming someone you don’t want to be? Maybe you have a specific person in mind, whose actions you simply abhor… or maybe it’s just a collection of traits that you worry about.

I have both – certain influential people in my life, as well as a list of various traits I try to avoid accruing.

Lately, I haven’t been giving my emotions the attention that they deserve. I’ve been very quick to react to things. Rather then stepping back, observing and evaluating, I hastily make decisions, just to try to keep up with the pace of things. I’ve become incredibly impatient. I don’t want to sit still or slow down for a minute.

This is adversely affecting me at work and at home. And I am beginning to worry more and more about turning into someone I don’t want to be.

I know who I want to be: happy, healthy, someone that people think of as “nice,” fun to be around, a good listener, hardworking, reliable, friendly, funny, intelligent, approachable, attractive, easy-going, patient, understanding…

But how do I get there? And QUICK! before I go to far in the other direction!

I’ve noticed that when I actually do slow down and take time to think about what is going on in my head (why I am reacting to things the way I am) I find the cause of the “problem.” But sometimes I just want to ignore it. I just want to avoid it. How awful is that? Here, let me just shut my brain off for awhile and go on autopilot. Let’s see where that gets me. I don’t like where that gets me.

Comments (21)

By kilax, April 16, 2009 5:18 am

I visited the doctor yesterday for a myriad of issues. Her diagnosis? Your metabolism is all messed up and your body is confused. So try this for awhile and tell me how it goes.

Gee, thanks.

Okay, okay, what more did I expect? Some sort of miracle solution? She couldn’t give me that.

I’ve just been so IMPATIENT lately. I want to know NOW if something is going to work. But that’s impossible. She doesn’t think my metabolism will stabilize until my body weight stabilizes… which I told her may take awhile since my body is so “confused,” and I am kind of letting it do its own thing. So I must continue to wait.

I was thinking about my anxiety during my awesome run outside last night. I was trying to focus on why I’ve been so anxious. I was trying to get to the root of it all. But I can’t for some reason. I have a hard time even thinking about it. Part of me just says, “go back to the doctor and ask her for anxiety medication like you used to take.” But I really don’t want to do that. I want to keep trying on my own. I have an inner dialogue going on constantly telling myself to calm down, breathe, ignore things, blah blah blah.

And I don’t feel unhappy! In fact, I may be the happiest I’ve ever been. I just feel anxious A LOT of the time.