Surprise: if you’re always a downer on Facebook, you might push people away
According to this obvious Chicago Tribune article on Facebook, if you have a low self-esteem/a negative self-image, then mostly posting “glum, pessimistic status updates” on Facebook will push others away.
Seems obvious, right?
This article made me think of my post on online identities (and also about how happy Facebook pictures making you sad), because the study recommends for people who “lack self-confidence” to “accentuate the positive”:
“We do not advocate being inauthentic,” the authors write. But if social networkers who lack self-confidence want to use Facebook to get around their social anxieties, they might want to accentuate the positive. “Rather than posting phony positive updates, [those with low self-esteem] might try sharing more of the positive things that do happen to them, and try being selective about what negative things they post.”
They also point out that people who think positively of themselves and post “discouraged, sad or angry” statuses from time to time, are “swarmed with expressions of comfort and support.” And that people who think negatively of themselves, but post something upbeat, they are “similarly rewarded with electronic expressions of friendship.”
Four thoughts came to my mind when I read this article:
- People who are moody (or lacking self esteem) in real life are going to be that way on Facebook too. Their Facebook friends probably already know this. Let them be themselves.
- If someone is always moody in real life, I will probably avoid them (this is not to say I won’t be kind to a someone who has self-esteem issues, but I am not going to purposefully spend my time with someone who is not fun to be around). So yeah, if they act that way all the time on Facebook, I will avoid them there too.
- Let’s not confuse sarcasm with pessimism.
- This article seems to imply that people are trying to make friends on Facebook. And that you should post upbeat/optimistic status updates to do so. Who is trying to make NEW friends on Facebook? Really – anyone? I use it to connect to people I already know or have met, and share information. In MWF Skeeing BFF, the author quotes a Times interview from 2007 where Mark Zuckerberg says that Facebook was never intended to help create new friends – it’s about “making communication more efficient between existing friends.” Of course, that was 5 years ago, so who knows what the intent of Facebook is now.
What kind of Facebook statuses turn you off? Do you notice anyone who is particularly negative all the time?
Do you regularly post status updates? About what?
I rarely post Facebook status updates. It’s not my thing. I am more likely to write something short and post it here.
I wanted to link to this post by TooTallFritz – where she emphasizes she would rather have people be real online about their struggles in life, rather than saying everything is all good, all the time. I think I tend to agree. You are more relatable if you are real. Share the good and the bad.
Themocracy
I feel that I have to “clean it up” anymore. I told you about part of it.
posting status updates is not my thing anyways. The ones that turn me off are those that post constantly and I just unsubscribe from those!! 🙂
I think maybe younger kids who are on facebook (think middle/high school) might try to make friends through it but the older crowd only keep in touch with people they already know. I’m just guessing since my soon-to-be niece (12 yrs) is always talking about facebook. I guess for her it was a rite of passage to be able to set up an account.
I get annoyed when people post cryptic messages or passive aggressive messages. If you don’t want people to ask or know about what you’re talking about, then don’t post anything at all. Some people just want attention. It also saddens me when people post about how depressed they are but maybe they are hoping someone will help them? I do my best in some situations but like you, I try to avoid people who only bring me down. I guess it doesn’t seem like I could really do much to help them anyway unless I was closer to them.
I do not post very often at all. I am more likely to post to twitter where the people who follow me don’t know me IRL.
Good point – I didn’t even think about the young people using FB. Gah, it’s scary to think of what kids might get in to on there, and not be mature enough to understand!
I don’t care for the cryptic messages either – those do just seem to be the attention seekers!
I occasionally vent on Twitter, but I try and keep my problems off of fb. I hate getting on there and reading about everyone’s personal drama. I’ve deleted people for posting 17 times a day about how their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse is a lying sack of crap. I even hid a girl from my newsfeed because she was constantly posting about how she loooooooved her fiance and couldn’t wait to be married, blah blah blah. Yay for her for being happy, but OMG it got old after a while.
I agree with Kandi. A lot of people I know post really passive aggressive things on FB. If you have something to say to someone, I say go for it–in person!
And speaking of kids that are 12+, I don’t think a lot of these little kids realize how permanent and damaging things on Facebook can be (aka photos of you underaged drinking or smoking pot). I have been trying lately to take a step back from Facebook and not post/comment on as much, because I just think too many people end up knowing too much.
I have a cousin who only posts doom and gloom sort of things. She hates herself and isn’t afraid to let everyone know it. At first I tried to respond with encouragement and suggestions. Then I realized she was comfortable thinking that way and had no desire to change anything. Now I ignore her.
I think on Facebook, people who you are already friends with are generally your social media friends because they want to keep up with what’s going on. Therefore, why not share some of the less-than-pleasant parts of life.
As for blogging, we all know that people build the image of themselves within their blog. SkinnyRunner is the most blatant about this – she readily admits that SkinnyRunner is a blonder, more sarcastic version of herself. But everyone does this to a certain degree. Just like it gets annoying to read a fitness blog where the author never eats ice cream, I find constantly bubbly and sunshine skies blogs to be disingenuous.
Great topic! I rarely post status updates on Facebook – I actually save those for Twitter (though I’m not great with Twitter, either).
It does get a little cumbersome seeing some people posting inane things like, “Just went to the bathroom. Just had lunch. Just took a shower.”
I also get frustrated when people post things like, “I have had the worst day” but then don’t provide any details, even when asked. Grrrr!
IT drives me nuts when people post really angry messages on FB. Like those paragraph long status updates about why they are angry at Obama, the war, or life in general… unsubscribe from their updates immediately.
There is one person I know how does post about 3x a day about political stuff and it just makes me crazy. It’s unfortunate – he is kind of a public figure for a charity and it makes me think negatively of the charity, because of his character!
I hate the boring “today I did this, now I’m going to do this” posts. Really? I don’t care that you cleaned your house and dinner is in the oven and now you are relaxing in front of the TV. If your post doesn’t make me laugh, think, or solve a problem, I don’t really care.
I can’t say there are any types of status updates that turn me off since I do rarely read them. I’m a bad Facebooker. I admit it. But, then again, I’ve made no attempt to disguise my loathing of Facebook.
To answer your question about my curls only taking 5 minutes.. I wish! I said I only usually like to spend 5 miniutes on my hair. haha. And by that I mean I put something in it and then comb through it with a pick. So it probably really takes me less than 2 minutes. Curling it like that probably took me 15-20 minutes. Not a HUGE amount of time but more than I spend in the mornings usually. Plus I always wash my hair in the mornings so I’d have to add dry time and I don’t own a blow dryer so that would take up even more time.
It’s not so much the “downer” that drives me nuts, its the sharing of private info. Like if you are having issues in your relationship, that sucks, but don’t post it on facebook. I feel like people usually post negative things on facebook for attention…
I keep my issues to myself and may be a bit vague if I do decide to post something upsetting. I try to keep things light. I do tend to ignore the woe is me posts. I have one friend who posts a few times daily about how things re so bad for her.
I am also selective with people who I am friends with. I had to turn a few people away because I was not interested in them.
Anyone who posts a status update that irritates me anyway gets deleted as a friend. Might be kind of harsh, but I don’t have any tolerance.
I don’t post status updates very often. Usually I am just recommending or sharing articles/funny things I find online!
Hahaha, I love how you called it an “obvious” article. Because, yeah, duh!
Sometimes if I’m having a bad day I just want to put it out there in the universe. Occasionally that helps me get over whatever it is. But, my mom told me once that reading my “sad” Facebook status updates upsets her so now I don’t really do it. Or, if I do, I try to put a funny or sarcastic spin on it.
I typically have to “hide” people who post about politics I don’t agree with (but don’t post about it in a “encourage discussion” kind of way). I don’t think I have too many Debbie Downers as Facebook friends. Maybe I avoid those people in all aspects of my life?
My most hated Facebook status from others: game updates. I don’t care about a lost cow on your farm or how you scored the high level in Fantasy Block Land or whatever game. I take extra measures to block those from my timeline.
Since I upgraded to an iPhone 4S in December, I’ve been more active on Facebook. I censor myself as opposed to being completely uncensored on Twitter. Mostly due to family and friends I grew up with that don’t know how to handle the occasional f-bomb drop.
Facebook is very political and I try to keep out of most conversations, but sometimes I tend to post my opinions and thoughts and it gets to be quite labored.
I used to update a lot more but I mainly try to keep it light and fun, or I talk about running. I’ve been fairly quiet lately though, probably due to the fact that I’m busy and don’t have as much time during the day to stalk, that and because my company banned the site 🙂
I know people who are always trying to be really witty on facebook and it works, but it also gets old. A few other people are always updating about current events and issues that are really important to them, and I actually love their status updates because I learn something which is pretty amazing!
I almost never update (in fact, the last time I posted was a few years ago…), but I’m tempted to do so today because it was a really bad morning but in a funny way too.
I think that facebook is definitely a love-hate thing for a lot of people. Mark Zuckerberg is a really terrible human being (I am too for saying that, obviously), and it kind of pains me to support his company.
I do like when people post things that actually teach me something or show me something new 🙂
I hope your morning is better today!
I don’t know much about Mark Zuckerberg, but I do know that he has a bad reputation.
I have made a couple of friends on Facebook. One in particular. We had mutual friends, and we would end up commenting on the same threads and just really hit it off. It can happen, but it’s not why I’m there.
Hmmm… posts are the biggest turnoffs for me… I have this one vegan friend, who is CONSTANTLY, like MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY posting status updates lecturing people about their diet and just all-out belittling nonvegans. NOT the way to win people over to our side… And this same friend is always posting links to these horrific animal abuse stories and such. I love the girl to death, and her heart is in the right place, but MAN…
I love hearing that you actually made a new friend that way!
And I do NOT like hearing about vegans like that. Ugh. I used to follow someone on twitter (before I shut down my account) who always posted awful animal abuse stories and to this day, I still cry when I think about one of the stories she posted. She was so radical about everything.
I used to post on Facebook pretty often. But when I starting blogging, I notice that I rarely post much on Facebook anymore.
I’m one of those annoying boring people that rarely puts anything on Facebook. I do the occasional status update, but I’m not one of those update every second type of people.
The negative updates do irritate me sometimes, but honestly, I think the worst are the excessive “look how good my life is” updates. The people that feel the need to constantly talk about how great their husband is, or how hot he is, or how much they love everything. It’s like come on guys, if everything is that great why do you feel the need to tell the world constantly? I feel like they’re just putting on a show.
You should read the link from TooTallFritz (http://tootallfritz.com/2012/02/07/no-cheerleaders-on-the-homefront/). That was exactly the kind of thing she was saying bugged her. I don’t think I know anyone like that on FB, but I see it in blogging all the time!
I update occaisionally. Usually about running (I feel sorry for the non-runners in my life sometimes). I try to keep it light. If it’s a “negative” kind of update, it’s usually a “my kids are driving me batshit crazy” kind of post, and it’ll usually garner commiseration.
Some people make me nuts with the negative, but more often, i’m driven nuts by the “MY LIFE IS SO FREAKING PERFECT” kind of posts 20 times a day. Maybe that makes me a complete bitch.
I honestly can’t remember the last time I was on Facebook. I think I’ve outgrown it and it just irritates me more than anything. I like Twitter a whole lot more and that’s where I’ve met a bunch of my closest friends, really!
This whole “being negative online” debate has really gotten the wheels turning for me. Sometimes, I fear I am too negative and leave it all out there so I try to reign it in, but I also think I’m very honest and upfront about my emotions in writing, since it’s hard for me to do it in person.
I think as long as people are not super negative ALL. THE. TIME. It’s okay. Or if you say, “I am feeling negative, skip this if you want…” Of course, that is just what I think!
I dunno, it seems like the people who use Facebook use it for different things based on age, demographic, friend group, etc etc.
I did make a couple of friends on Facebook that I reached out to because we had mutual friends and they seemed cool. That’s not WHY I am there, but it ended up being a nice perk (especially when one of them watched the kitties at Christmas!).
I like looking at people’s pictures there (especially kids and animals!), and I like funny updates…I guess I have a lot of witty friends on FB. Ha ha. But I get tired of political rants and usually just skim right past them.
It seems like the media is totally overanalyzing FB lately…I’m not sure if it’s because they went public, because it’s such a part of our culture, or because the media seems to have to always find something to overanalyze. :p
I think it’s cool that you did make new friends on Facebook!
And I think the media is overanalyzing Facebook because it has such a huge influence on our lives… when 10 years ago it was not around. I find all these articles really interesting. I wonder if they will ever talk about something different. Google+? HA HA HA HA HA HA
I wonder if the people who do not like Facebook don’t like it for the same reason I dropped Twitter – it was just too much, all the time. Someone told me recently that they could sit at Facebook and waste hours there. I was shocked. I totally waste time online, reading blogs and doing other things, but not on Facebook.
It could also be that some people don’t have the right type of friends and companies that they “like” to make it fun for them.
For me, I honestly feel stressed looking at it after a weekend away from my computer. So much to see – so hard to see it. I see different things on my computer vs my work smartphone. That is another topic though.
Also–for the people who hate Facebook–why does it bother you so much?
I am just genuinely curious because I enjoy it and I am in all seriousness wondering what is different between my experience and yours.
I rarely post updates on facebook but I did post one today – “I can’t wait to go home and change into my sweatpants!” I just wanted to be home and in my comfy clothes!
I would have liked that status 🙂
I unfriended a couple of popular bloggers on Facebook for uber-negative posts. It’s one thing to drop their blog from my feed-reader but it’s another thing to drop a real person from a friends list.
My secretary and I got into an argument a few months ago and she unfriended me and my whole family. We eventually made-up but I won’t accept her frequent attempts to be Facebook friends again. She posts non-stop links to news stories and feels the need to make weird comments to my every post. My enjoyment of Facebook increased quite a bit without her.
First of all, I *LOVE* your new header!!!!
I used to post a lot more on Facebook but it’s kind of lost it’s luster for me. I’ve not used FB to meet any new friends – just keep in contact with people I know. I *hate* people who constantly post needless info like “I just ate potato chips and now I’m going to Target!”
Interesting post! I’m like you – I am hardly on FB and I don’t use it to make new friends, just to connect with people I know from somewhere else. My blog posts there automatically which makes it easier for some people in my family to read it.
Truthfully, I find this concept kind of irritating. Personally, I think being 100% authentic is most important. Sure, it’s great to be positive. But I think there’s something to be said about acknowledging your feelings. I think complaining or expressing negative feelings can be therapeutic and preferable to bottling things up. You had every right to be upset about that trip being cancelled and every right to say so!
Yeah, I was kind of thinking the same thing – let it out. If people don’t like it, so what? They will ignore it. Or defriend you. Ha ha. But they gotta know that everyone’s life is not perfect!
Great post! I think I might be guilty of the Debbie Downer FB post this morn: Ahhhh Winter, I undersrand that you are trying to make an appearance with these freezing temps but if you can’t bring snow then keep the cold too.
In my defense, I was freezing my butt off waiting for the train.
Thanks!
Ha ha – now, I would find a post like that to be funny! I am totally in the same boat as you on that one!