Friday Question #229
Not your typical fluffy FQ!!!
Do you ever feel like you are being judged for how you spend your time? Do you ever catch yourself judging others for how they spend their time?!
Yes and yes.
This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot, and I hope this post doesn’t come off as offensive, but I’ve gotta say it.
I am young, married, with no children and a somewhat flexible work schedule, and I often find myself feeling that my day is “not my own.” That I don’t get to do what I please, as much as I’d like.
I really think it’s mostly* okay to feel this way sometimes. I’m sure we all have a list of daily “to-dos” that we’re kind of meh about.
But I think that because I fit in a lot of workouts and make time to travel/see my friends/have fun, it appears that I have a ton of free time to do whatever I want. I don’t. I am busy too. Even though I don’t have kids/have to commute every day/only work three jobs/etc., I am a person with a very busy day. And a person who doesn’t know how to relax, and fills up their free time.
Today’s schedule – 5:00 am train to city for run date, study on train ride home, errands, appointments, Fake Meats work, more studying… blah blah blah.
I really liked Jillian’s post earlier this week about making time to workout. Jillian works her arse off at two jobs and still makes the time to exercise. She does seize the day to make it work for her. She doesn’t whine about her lack of free time – she figures it out.
Why am I bringing Jillian’s example up? Well, with how dang busy she is, she is a prime candidate for bemoaning her lack of free time and that of others, and just giving up. But she doesn’t.
And it’s not just about making time for exercise! I’m not that short-sighted, ha ha. It’s about making time for what you need/want. We all have different interests we want to pursue, and thats how it should be.
How it should NOT be is with all the outside judgement of what you do and how much time you spend doing it.** You don’t have to work to be busy. You don’t have to have children. You don’t have to be married. You don’t have to commute. You get the idea!
We’re all in charge of our time, even though we have unwanted obligations in there. Maybe we could focus making our time work for us instead of thinking so much about how others spend theirs?
*I really want to write more about my bad attitude when I’m doing things I don’t want to do, but I’ll have to get in to that another day. This is already too long!
**Unless harmful to your health, making you lose all your money, harmful to others, and so on.
Themocracy
I just shared this on my Facebook wall. I can relate to this more than you know (we can chat more in person)! Thanks for posting, Kim!
Thank you for the share! I feel like I should be making a list of all the things we want to chat about! 🙂
Good points! I love, love the last line. I am definitely guilty of judging how people use their time. Mostly, it’s when people complain that they don’t have time to workout or whatnot but might not have children or other demands. I just see that they don’t have another person to be home for (I can’t just throw Miles in the crib and run, e.g.) but I don’t often consider what else they have going on. More than anything, I get jealous of how others spend time and wish I would have used my pre-baby time more wisely. Not that I’d trade it. Nothing beats drinking coffee while your child eats Goldfish in dog pajamas and a lion hat as he watches “Dinosaur Train.”
Thank you 🙂
And thank you for giving an honest perspective from a parent. Truthfully, I see the comments that made me think of this the most from parents. But it sounds like you have a pretty sweet thing going on now 🙂
I was thinking of this post as I ran, in conjunction with a marathoner I interviewed for the paper, and it goes back to your post about priorities. I could do the things that bring out the envy if I wanted them bad enough (eg: get up at 4 to run 10 miles) but I only like the idea of them, not lust them. And I think people judge, or are more likely to, when they’re priorities don’t match another person’s.
Oh yes. That is exactly it! It is all about the priorities!
This interview with the marathoner sounds interesting! 🙂
Do a lot of people judge you for how you spend your time? Do you just feel like they are judging you or do they tell you?
I don’t know if anyone is judging me. Well, I am not naive. I am sure someone is. Or maybe a few someones. But no one has come out and told me they are judging me.
Yes! One of the things that really bothered me about my old company is they only offered a flexible schedule if you had kids. They totally ignored all the other reasons why people may need flexibility in their lives- like a sick parents, going back to school for an advanced degree, health issues. ETC.
Wow! That really stinks. I feel like that shouldn’t even be legal, you know? How about equal opportunities?
I’ma college professor. People think I only work on the days I’m in the classroom. I have actually heard things like, “it must be nice to work only three days a week, etc.” People don’t know about the committee work, the research, the prep work, grading.
I am lucky to have a lot of flexibility. But there is some stress that comes from managing my own time, and from the responsibility of giving grades.
It’s a great gig, but it’s really hard for an outsider to understand and that sometimes frustrates me.
I work in a middle school. I get so much shit for vacations and time off. No one (unless they work in schools) thinks about the amount of time we work when we AREN’T working!
That is really frustrating! I have a lot of teacher friends and just thinking about the amount of work they do outside of the classroom makes me anxious. Jeez. Why are people so off?!
I have to say thank you for this post! I recently got an internship that I am working about 20 hours a week and I am Also managing 20 credit hours. I also workout 5-6 days a week plus homework. I don’t like when my grandma judges me for doing nothing on Saturday because i am so wiped. Kim you shouldn’t let others judgements of your life affect you. You are your own person and a very nice person. Have a great day! 🙂
Aww, thank you for your compliments.
Sigh. Grandmas. Hee hee. Some are so judgey!
Yes to all of this, and I know that if (okay, when) I judge other people for this, it’s coming from a place of jealousy.
I’m having a hard time putting this into words, but I think some of this may go hand in hand with people sharing how awesome their lives are on social media, while you don’t always get a sense of what’s actually going on behind the scenes. So maybe it looks like you’re just always having fun and exercising, but people may not realize you have 3 jobs, a long commute (even once a week, it’s still long!), friends in far away places (that you have to schedule dates with way in advance!), etc. Does this make sense?
That SO TOTALLY makes sense. So much that I spelled out totally.
But really. I purposefully project a certain image of myself online. It’s my mostly happy place. I am just not going to put the whiny crap on there. That is NOT my thing. So yeah. I get where it comes from 😉
Awe great post love! Sometimes I feel like I get judged for how I spend my time too-you go to the gym how much? you spend how much money on what fitness class? how often do you go out with your girlfriends?
peeps leave me alone! I do what I want and I am so super happy.
so booya to those peeps judging me!
This line – peeps leave me alone! I do what I want and I am so super happy. YES. Let us do what we want to be happy!
I know it’s cheesy, but I love that saying “stop the glorification of busy.” I hate the need to feel like you’re constantly doing something. It’s OK to relax and take it easy. It’s OK to not jam pack your days with crap. Maybe I just hate the smugness of people who are always “busy.”
Ooo, I am not sure I have heard that! I may need to look in to that more. I like that, although, I am guilty of being stupid busy all the time because of high anxiety and not being able to relax. Something I have been working on since college! I actually think it’s cool when people can go chill/zen out, since I struggle with it!
This is great! I feel guilty a lot these days because so many of my friends have kids and bemoan their busy lives. I get that they are busy, but they made the choice to have kids. It’s true that I have WAY more “me” time, and I love the fact that I’ll just go out for a random drink on a Monday night with Michael or spend my weekends hiking, biking, and napping rather than going to kiddie parties. I don’t mean to sound anti-kid or anti-parent (I would have zero friends if that were the case!), but I sometimes feel defensive about my life and the choices that I’ve made because I don’t understand how busy my friends are.
(Bitter much? Not really, it’s just a sensitive topic.)
You don’t sound anti-anything to me because I totally get that. And I was thinking about that as I wrote this. How I love doing random things and not being tied down. Which I cannot say to someone with kids, because it makes me sound anti-kid! I am not!
I get more sh*t done when I’m crazy busy. Hands down. I hate how when I’m not forced into being busy, I don’t get stuff done. I need to learn more Portuguese, I need to clean my apt better, need to walk the Churro Bear more. But sometimes I’m just LAZY.
But ah , I don’t think I judge people for things- not my place and generally I don’t compare myself to others because its totes silly for so many reasons. I guess I’m a loner. But, I do get the occasional “you work out so much- I don’t have time” and I say- wow, I workout for like an hour 3-4 days a week. I just don’t watch TV or anything. I dunno.
I am so like that too. Gotta be busy to get things done! I still have not started our Spanish Rosetta Stone. Fail.
CB should be top priority. Ha!
I sometimes judge people with a lot of down time, who just sit around doing nothing, probably because I am terrible at doing just that! I’ve gotten better at unwinding and just doing one thing not 5 things simultaneously. I think one of the things that bug me lately is people who over-book then are always late to meet you then rushing off early to go somewhere else. Too many battling priorities and it leaves me feeling like I am not one of them.
I SO want to be able to sit around and not feel fidgety! I cannot even sit through a movie at home. It’s worse now, with my smartphone.
Oh gosh! I will have to watch for the overbook/late to arrive/rushing off tendency. That would make me feel bad!
I have two main issues, I’ve discovered. #1 is that I have TOO many things I like to do and #2 is that I don’t have enough energy to do it all!
I actually get frustrated (and this is NOT directed at you) when people tell me IF I wanted to do something I’d make time.
This week I hoped to go to yoga Monday, but worked until 9pm. I had two offers to send out to candidates in California who are relocating and needed a lot of assistance. There was no real way NOT to work until 9pm that night.
Thus, Tuesday I was exhausted and Wednesday I didn’t feel well and went to bed early.
Yesterday I went to yoga and did 1 load of laundry (which is an epic project because I have to take my laundry down three flights of stairs and make sure I have quarters for it) and tonight I’ll go to the gym, but I had to cancel dinner plans with a friend tonight to do so and be rested enough for the all-day photography class I’m in tomorrow. Which…leaves no time to go to the gym. Then I spend Saturday night with P, and will go to the gym, clean the house and *maybe* relax on Sunday. Aaaaand, it’s been almost a month since the last time I went to the animal shelter to volunteer so I have to make time for that soon.
I guess if I was a person who could get by on less than 7 hours of sleep things would be different but that’s not reality for me. Maybe if I stopped taking my anti-anxiety drug I could get more things done? HA!
Your schedule is packed! When you are canceling social things to workout and get your work in and get enough sleep… you know you are busy! 🙂 Do you like being on the go like that? 🙂
Love this! I don’t think people should be judged for making the most of their time and maximizing their happiness. It’s ridiculous. So someone travels a lot for pleasure, who knows if they’re taking time off, working on vacation, or working extra hours one week to be able to take time off. Unless the full story is transparent, it’s no ones place to judge! Plus, it’s much easier to make time for people/things that you love. If you really want to do something, you can make it happen, no matter how busy you are.
Perfect response. The full story of one’s life is never really known. Facebook only gives a glimpse of what is happening in someone’s life. People think I travel “all the time” because I like to talk about my trips on FB. I do not like to talk about my 3489237 hours of work each week so they don’t realize how much effort I put in to make those trips happen.
Exactly. I should just delete what I wrote and copy and paste this in!!!
Good one!
I generally don’t judge others on how they are spending their time (unless they start b*tching and moaning to me all the time about how they are ‘sooooo busy’ when really it seems like maybe they are just inefficient. But I digress…haha!)
I feel like others are definitely “judge-y” about me…especially my next door neighbors! Matt and I would often laugh that they probably think we are dysfunctional b/c all of our coming and going. Well lo and behold a few weeks ago I was going out of town and Matt went to dinner w/a friend and his son. I see neighbor guy while I am loading my car and he says “You are your husband NEVER spend any time together do you?” (WTF?!) When I asked what he meant he said he just saw Matt leave and that it seemed like I was never home (I commute, Matt works from home) or that I was always coming and going with my exercise gear. LOVE that he put a blanket on my whole relationship for those actions! Yeah, I am gone during the day and I workout before I get home so that I can be present once I get there but it’s not like I am out partying til 2am without Matt…I am going to work and the gym!
Wow. Just wow at your neighbors. They are nosy and have some nerve to say that. Just, geesh!
They are EXTREMELY nosy! It’s funny b/c we kind of thought they were judgmental but then when they said it out loud: totally confirmed!
YES!
This is something that makes me crazy. We are all busy, we all have things to do. Just because you are busy, doesn’t mean that I’m not busy too. I’m so tired of people thinking that because I find time to workout, or to play on facebook for two minutes, that I have a ton of free time. Every time I make a comment I about something I saw on facebook, one of the girls at work says, “oh I wish I had that kind of time.”
You know what? No. Yes, she has a kid, but she made that choice. I go to school full time, and I work full time. Our priorities are different, but that doesn’t mean that one of us is better than the other. Everyone is busy. Complaining about it doesn’t make you busier than the rest of us, it just makes you miserable.
I get that about Facebook too, especially. Because I have a job that involves being on the phone most of the day I tend to multitask and fart around while I’m on calls. It’s not like I can spend that time paying bills or running errands, so I have no issues with farting around a little!
UGH! That is what caused me to write this! People saying that they “wish they had that kind of time”! UGH!!!!!!!!
Thanks for the shout out 🙂
As we have discussed many times…I sometimes do judge, but it is usually misplaced judgement. Of course I don’t love 18 hour days and missing out on weekend activities, but I get that it is my life. Instead of dwelling on it, I just make it work.
You’re welcome! I hope it’s cool I wrote all that. I just really liked your post, and your attitude about it all.
Definitely. I always appreciate when people benefit from my posts. That is what blogging is all about and we are lucky to have such a great community!
I think we are all busy in our own way. Yes I definitely feel that I am even though I don’t work (outside the home) – and have 2 kids – I constantly feel I have to justify my time. I must admit I (when I worked) judged ladies like me who stayed at home with the kids thinking they had lots of free time …. not true. I think we are all busy and as long as we are making to to workout we are on the right track:)
I have heard this from my stay at home mom friends – about the judgement. But they are busy too! Geesh, people!
I honestly Don’t know how i will fit everything in when I have kids. I have such a busy schedule now. I try not to judge people – only when they complain about things that I know aren’t true. Like when people complain they wish they had more time in a day but I know they just sit around at night. Or when my sister in law complains about how hard it is to be a stay at home mom and how easy my life is! Just cause I don’t have kids doesn’t mean my life is easy. I know being a stay at home mom is tough but its not that bad. Theres a lot of worse things you could have to do.
Yes and yes for me too. This also reminds me of judging others for how they spend their money. I prioritize different than others and that is okay. I like to train for races/workout, travel and save money which means I don’t watch a lot of TV, have awesome new furniture or the latest and greatest gadgets. Unfortunately when people post so much of their lives online (read:Facebook), it makes it much harder for me not to judge.
Yea and yes. ‘Nuff said.
Very interesting post! I think what I find interesting is that on the surface two people can have the same basic circumstances but one will find time to do “extras” and the other won’t. That then makes me wonder why one person can do those extras and the other person can’t. There are probably a million reasons why but I feel like I’m not allowed to ask.
I couldn’t agree more..
I think many of us wish we could have more control over our situations. We have to work, therefore commuting often follows. But those that have a will to
Do what they want find a way. Not always easy but like you said it’s our choice!
There is definitely a lot of judging that surrounds “time” and how each person spends it, from little everyday things (reading blogs vs. NOT finishing the laundry) to lifestyle changes (having kids vs. not). We all get 24 hours in a day, and some of us fill that up with a million things and like to stay busy while some would rather not and just take it easy. It used to bother me when people said “they didn’t have time” to work out or make dinner, and then spend 2 hours watching TV. However, that is where their priorities lie and so according to them, NO, they did not have time because they NEED to watch that show. Just like I NEED to run. We’re all different.
I like the way you put it. Especially by bringing up the TV thing, and how we all view our “needs”!
I struggle with this all the time–both sides: feeling like I’m so much busier than some people and also feeling guilty that I ever complain about being busy since I’m still in grad school. What I try to remember is that regardless of whether you are “actually” busy (and it’s not like there’s a real metric to determine that….), the feeling of being busy and/or stressed is legitimate. I try to sympathize with people for feeling that way, whether or not I think they “deserve” too. (Which I try not to do)
OH gosh. Yes! Such a good point – we all may feel busy but our “busys” are different and we shouldn’t judge who deserves it!
I feel SO judged about how I spent my time!! It’s terrible. I “only” work three days per week, which is admittedly very nice. But it’s still a full time job, and night shift makes it seems like I’m working more than I am because I’m constantly changing my schedule. When people hear that I work three shifts per week, they ask what I do in all my free time, and I feel so judged when I tell them what I do. They seem to think I should get another job, be visiting museums all the time, etc etc etc. I do what everyone else does in their free time (run, watch TV, meet up with friends, write my blog), but since my time off is different than everyone else, it always comes off like I should be saving the world or something. I’m lucky that I get more time to sip coffee on my couch, I know that…but I still work a full time job and Tuesday afternoons aren’t always the time when all the fun stuff happens.
Wow, that was letting out a lot…
That sucks that people are judging you! 🙁 Do the other nurses feel that way too? 🙁
Come on, you are saving the world AT work, why should you have to on your time off? 😉
I stopped judging the way people spent their time after I realized that there is no cookie-cutter life that we all have to conform to. We all have our likes, dislikes, and hobbies and absolutely no one has the right to judge! It’s OUR time and we get to decide how to use it. I do feel judged sometimes because I get to work from home a few days a week and I am one of those people that love to be lazy when time permits. The worst is when you start thinking about how others perceive you…that’s the ultimate no-no!
I would to talk more about the stigma of working from home! People who don’t do it sometimes think you are in PJs all day watching tv or doing chores! Nope!