Comments (17)

By kilax, December 8, 2009 5:32 am

Do you ever get it in your mind that you ABSOLUTELY have to do something, and that is all you can think about, obsessively, until you’ve done it?

This is not necessarily a good thing. It’s compulsive.

com-pul-sion: Psychology. a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, esp. one that is irrational or contrary to one’s will.

If my photo were next to a definition in the dictionary, I fear it would be that one. I sometimes think compulsion is the cause of many of my actions. A few examples:

• When I found out Foer was speaking in Chicago, it was all I could think about for hours while I figured out the logistics. I was stressed out about it at work, when I should have been focused.
• I missed 1.5 miles of my Thursday run and thought obsessively about fitting it in last Friday, when really, I needed to rest my legs*. I didn’t run the 1.5 miles, thankfully.
• This post. I wrote it on my exercise sheet while I was doing my strength routine last Friday. It was all I could think about. Even when writing it (last night on the airplane) I closed the lid of my computer for take-off, but thought of something to write and had to open it back up.
• I had it in my mind that I was going to make certain dishes for my family when they visited. Apparently my mother had a few dishes in mind too? (Hence the Similarities and Differences post – I think we are both like this.)
• I couldn’t get it out of my mind that I had to get our holiday tree last weekend before “all the good ones were gone.” Luckily, Steven humored me on this one and we picked out our tree on Saturday (free delivery to the house on Sunday!).
• I won’t even go into how this affects my relationship with food!

What is all of this about? Why do I obsessively think and plan things? I sometimes think it is because I am afraid of missing out on events and afraid of forgetting thoughts I have. AND, I just get so excited and pumped about things, I want to get them out there while they are fresh!

But it makes it hard for me to focus. I have all of these thoughts swirling around in my brain. I feel like I have to get certain things done right away. I am agitated if I don’t.

Part of me enjoys the rush that I create for myself. The realistic part of me knows it’s a problem.

I’m hoping someone can relate? It’s one of those things where I feel like “Boo-hoo, I’m the only one” but I can’t be… right?

(Note, while I was finishing writing this, I got another blog idea in my head and had to open a new tab to start typing that out).

*Related, have you read the article titled “Your Better Half” in the January 2010 issue of Runner’s World? Great article. It’s about turning your inner critic into your biggest fan. I paid close attention to the little part about taking a day off when you don’t want to.

Comments (16)

By kilax, March 30, 2009 5:25 am

Steven and I took a gun safety course on Friday – a course we had been wanting to take for some time. We went to the shooting range twice last year. I hoped going would help me overcome my fear of guns, but I still felt pretty nervous when I was there, so we took this class.

The class was different than I thought it would be. I thought it would be pretty textbook – this is a gun, these are the parts, this is how you use it, blah blah blah. But I felt like the class was taught by the zen master of gun safety. He was all about being calm around the weapon – about finding an inner peace and balance. He talked a lot about anticipation, and how someone anticipating the weapon firing is what messes up their shot the most.

That is definitely what MY problem is. My hands are shaking before I even get the gun in the air. I feel like a million electrical currents are running through my blood. The whole time I am putting pressure on the trigger, I am just waiting, waiting… and I am still startled when it fires.

The instructor really helped with that. He talked a lot about mentality, and anticipation. I think he really helped me feel more calm and less fearful. He shared good techniques with us.

I think I could apply some of those techniques to my life OUTSIDE of the shooting range. I have been WAY TOO nervous and anxious lately. Way too impatient. I rush too much. I am always going from one thing to the next. I never really take time to relax. I’m all go go go ALL the time.

It’s time to find some inner focus.

I’ve been trying for some time already. Maybe now I can finally do it. Or at least get one step closer to being less… anxious all the time.

Maybe.