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By kilax, December 30, 2009 7:48 am

It seems like I am making a New Year’s Realization instead of a Resolution. Ha, ha… ha?

I keep putting myself on ridiculous schedules because I think it will help me out, when really, it just hinders me.

I have to STOP doing this. I have to.

Today is a perfect example. I am having lunch with a coworker and I also want to get a run in. I obviously can’t do it during lunch time anymore, so it would probably make sense to do it in the evening. No, that makes TOO MUCH SENSE, let’s get up at 4:30 so we can get to the office gym at 6:30 and put 6 miles in before work! Then, you get to run, see your friend for lunch, AND spend quality time with your husband when you get home!

It sounds so perfect when I write it all out, but Steven can tell you which one of these things doesn’t happen. By the time I get home, I am so tired from getting up so early that all I want to do is eat dinner and go to bed. I try to “relax” (how does one do that?) by sitting on the couch watching a movie, but I just feel exhausted.

And I keep doing this… why? It’s like I want to prove to myself that I CAN fit it all in to one day – working out, lunch with a friend, time with Steven, 3 hours commuting and 9.5 hours at work.

I can’t do it all. I can’t have it all. I have to prioritize. I have to be flexible/less rigid with my schedule. Ugh. I just need to learn HOW TO RELAX.

Friends, I have been fighting this for a long time. It’s what causes me to get burnt out and give up. I don’t want that to happen anymore. I am sick of yo-yoing with my weight, and really, with my life.

Do any of you ever feel like you are doing this to yourself? How to you stop/slow down?

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By kilax, July 27, 2009 5:34 am

Last night’s meet-up with Nilsa, Tori, Kevin and Sizzle was a total blast! It was my first time meeting both Nilsa and Sizzle. Nilsa and her husband were gracious enough to host us in their beautiful Chicago home and feed us wonderful food! Nilsa is so fresh and down to earth. I can imagine having lots of long conversations with her. And sizzle is so animated! She is a wonderful story teller and so much fun! I always feel refreshed and excited after meeting up with bloggers. I wish I could do it more often!

Tori, Me, Sizzle, Nilsa and Kevin in the front.

Steven chatted with SoMi all night. Just kidding. He loves meeting other bloggers too!

We had college friends over two weekends ago that made me feel the same way – stimulated by discussion, excited, and energetic. The thing is, we hardly EVER see them. Coordinating a visit with them takes a lot – it’s kind of stressful. But we always have so much fun with them then say, “Why don’t we see each other more often?!”

It is because we are also so busy and wrapped up in our own lives. We don’t always make the time to do fun get-togethers like this. We let our crazy schedules get in the way. Well, I do anyway.

I don’t want to be like this. But I don’t want to have a super packed schedule either. The month of July has been really stressful for me because all of our weekends have been packed with activities. Balance. It’s always about balance…

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By kilax, May 20, 2009 6:39 am

I liked today’s Runner’s World Quote of the Day:

The quote says: Running gives me a sense of controlling my life. I like the finiteness of runs, the fact that I have a clear beginning and end. I set a goal and achieve it. A good run makes you feel sort of holy.

Except for the whole “feeling holy” part (what does that even mean?), I can totally relate to this.

I am someone who struggles with having control in their life. I need structure. I need goals/milestones/guidelines. I can be easy going and go with the flow of things, but I am someone who works best with a PLAN.

Running gives me the opportunity to have long-term goals and plans to achieve them, along with mini daily goals. I DO feel accomplished when I have it in my mind that I am going to run a certain distance/time that day, then I go out and do it. It’s maybe the one thing in my life that is simple enough I CAN control on a daily basis.

My only worry with this is that I am TOO goal-oriented. Honestly, I was feeling a bit lost in my running until I signed up for the Kansas City Marathon. I felt worried that I would “lose” my endurance if I wasn’t following a training plan. Even now, I am keeping up around 20+/- miles a week, but I still feel lost/unstructured, because my official training does not start until 6/15.

And surprisingly, feeling lost in running spilled over into feeling “uneasy” in general. I was really, really anxious until I selected my next goal and developed my next plan. I guess running truly is my balance now.

So, while I think it is good to have plans and goals to follow, because they make me feel like I have some control, I realize that I have some sort of addiction. Steven actually told me he thinks I have compulsive behavior when it comes to running (and other things) – he thinks I set my mind on something, and won’t stop until I achieve it (or something like that – he wasn’t trying to insult me). That can be both good and bad. It would be really good if I could take some of that and apply it to other life goals (oh you know, like getting licensed, blah de blah), but for now, my focus seems to be on running. Which is good… until I become too obsessive. And I don’t feel like I am there yet. Ha!

This is actually not meant to be a post all about running, but about control and goals, and I think it could apply to a lot of different behaviors or activities. Do you feel like there are elements in your life that you feel you have control over, and bring you a sense of accomplishment, or calm?

Comments (16)

By kilax, March 30, 2009 5:25 am

Steven and I took a gun safety course on Friday – a course we had been wanting to take for some time. We went to the shooting range twice last year. I hoped going would help me overcome my fear of guns, but I still felt pretty nervous when I was there, so we took this class.

The class was different than I thought it would be. I thought it would be pretty textbook – this is a gun, these are the parts, this is how you use it, blah blah blah. But I felt like the class was taught by the zen master of gun safety. He was all about being calm around the weapon – about finding an inner peace and balance. He talked a lot about anticipation, and how someone anticipating the weapon firing is what messes up their shot the most.

That is definitely what MY problem is. My hands are shaking before I even get the gun in the air. I feel like a million electrical currents are running through my blood. The whole time I am putting pressure on the trigger, I am just waiting, waiting… and I am still startled when it fires.

The instructor really helped with that. He talked a lot about mentality, and anticipation. I think he really helped me feel more calm and less fearful. He shared good techniques with us.

I think I could apply some of those techniques to my life OUTSIDE of the shooting range. I have been WAY TOO nervous and anxious lately. Way too impatient. I rush too much. I am always going from one thing to the next. I never really take time to relax. I’m all go go go ALL the time.

It’s time to find some inner focus.

I’ve been trying for some time already. Maybe now I can finally do it. Or at least get one step closer to being less… anxious all the time.

Maybe.