Comments (22)

By kilax, October 18, 2008 11:30 pm

Today was 5K #2, in Cedar Falls, Iowa. The conditions were much different than the last 5K we ran – this race had two hills, and it was foggy and only about 45° (Oh yeah, and we had two blabbering idiots running behind us for the first mile. It’s cool to talk to someone when you are running, but not like you’re a valley girl who works in a salon.  [sorry, that’s the best analogy I could come up with. Steven said the girls sounded like Sarah Palin – is that any better?]).

Notice how I am checking my watch right before the finish line?

Even though this race was “rougher,” we finished with a time of 27:00! (It’s weird how this time also ended on an exact minute. Hmm.) I am contributing this 2-minute-faster-than-last-time finish to the fact that it was so cold… and that we both weigh less than we did at the last race.

We have some weird mist or frost in our hair!

My aunt, mom, and sister came to watch us. It’s always nice to have someone cheering your name when you cross the finish line!

My aunt, me, mom and sister

This is going to sound awful, but when I was running up the first hill, I was thinking, “How could I ever run a marathon?! This hill is wearing me out! I don’t think I can run more than a 5K!”

That’s so pathetic, especially since when I was done, I felt great, like I could do it all over again.

I’ve been wanting to train for a longer distance run. I really think Steven and I could run 10Ks. I’m just not sure if we should focus on decreasing our 5K time, running longer, or both. Probably both.

Right now, I am still loving running. I want to keep it that way – I want to keep it varied so we don’t lose our interest in it. We have been on and off running plenty of times. I want this to be the time we stick with it!

Comments (21)

By kilax, October 15, 2008 5:51 am

It’s time for me to reread Life is Hard, Food is Easy, by Linda Spangle.

It’s also time for me to 100% honest. To let it all out.

This is going to be a long one…

Steven and I have a typical weekday routine. It’s nice for me. He gets home first and makes dinner. I get home, dinner is made, we eat. We almost immediately exercise outside, together, or move camp upstairs to use the treadmill.

Last night, Steven got home about an hour after I did. Of course, no dinner was made when I got home (Thanks a lot, Data).

I immediately started to have a weird “out-of-routine” panic. I wanted to make dinner and eat together, but I knew we would be eating too late for both of us to use the treadmill or exercise outside together.

So, what happened? I tried to busy myself by cleaning up the kitchen before preparing dinner.

But I was feeling stressed, anxious, and nervous. How I’ve felt since Sunday. There’s more bothering me than what I’ve mentioned in my lovely “Why I’m Pissed Off Today” series. I’ve been externally avoiding these things (not talking about them), while internally dwelling on them and feeding my “pissed off” mood.

I think I’ve created a self-fulfilling pissed off mood. Anyway.

It happened. Those leftover, p.o.s., “I’m too pissed off to take these ugly oatmeal raisin cookies to work” (long story) cookies were sitting on the counter, all crumbled up in a container. Stupid p.o.s. cookies.

I ate one crumble. Yum. I ate more. I kept eating. I couldn’t stop. Inside my head I was telling myself, “No! You have to eat dinner with Steven soon!” But I couldn’t stop my hand and mouth. I was just grabbing them as fast as I could and chewing them even faster.

It literally felt like something took over me.

Somehow, I stepped away, and sat down on the couch with my computer. Steven called, and I told him about it. He suggested throwing the cookies away. I did. I am thankful for that.

I still ate dinner. But I didn’t exercise. In fact, I laid in bed while Steven exercised, feeling cranky and upset. About so many things.

I tried to be reassuring. I told myself, “You only ate about 600 extra calories! You’ll be fine! No biggie! Sometimes you eat more than that at a restaurant and still lose weight!” (see how positive my self-talk can be?)

This morning, I stepped on the scale. I have a love/hate relationship with the scale. As in, I love it when the number goes down, and hate it when it stays the same or goes up.

I still weigh myself every day, to keep on track. My dream is that someday, when I am “maintaining” my weight, I will only step on that b*tch once a week. Ha.

It said I went up TWO pounds. This is illogical. I did not eat THAT much. I quickly came up with reasons in my head to defend the gain, then told myself, “STOP – STOP DOING THIS!”

Stop obsessing.

I should be proud of myself. Last weekend, I got my “Size 12” box out of my closet. It had been on a shelf since last winter. Everything fits. Everything. Shouldn’t I be proud of that? I am moving through clothing sizes so fast now (so fast, that I am wasting money when I buy new pants – they only fit for a month or so).

I was a size 18. My goal is a size 10 (maybe smaller). I’m so close. But still, I obsess.

I worry. I think about food too much. I’m afraid of food. I. Have. To. Be. In. Control.

This weekend, Steven and I are traveling to Iowa to visit my family. We even took Friday off from work. I am excited about the trip. I haven’t seen some of my family since June!

But I worry. Like I always do. I worry I won’t have a good time unless I am stuffing my face. I worry I will eat too many “bad foods.” I worry about losing self-control.

Seriously. What’s the big deal, if every once in awhile, I let things go and eat more? (A lot more)

I beat myself up about it though. Even though I am telling myself, “This isn’t a big deal, Kim! It’s just one time weekend! You eat healthy all the time! Give yourself a break, girl! You deserve it!” I still feel guilty.

I have such an unhealthy, warped relationship with food/eating.

I’m so into “self-help,” I am convinced I can “fix” myself.

I read this book the last time (sad to write that) I lost a lot of weight, and I have reread a few sections since then.

It’s funny how I only read health books/fitness magazines when I am already in the process of a healthy lifestyle. I guess when I am not following a healthy lifestyle, I just feel too hopeless to even kid myself by opening it.

Anyway. I remember that I connected with this book so much when I read it.. that it was eerie.

Of course, I always think I am the only person who has overeating/binge problems. I’m not. But I forget.

The book links certain emotions with food and recommends a 5-step plan to overcome, essentially, eating your emotions.

I’m always weary of “step” programs. But the rest of the book seems so smart – I feel like it is speaking directly to me – that I think it is time for a reread/rethink. There must be something in there to help me.

I have to share the portion of the book that really “clicks” with me. The author identifies two kinds of “hunger” that bring on the emotional eating reflex – “head hunger” and “heart hunger.”

Head Hunger begins with a specific craving for something chewy, crunchy or textured (examples – chewy: candy bars, trail mix, steak; crunchy: nuts, breakfast cereal; textured: pizza, fries). “Head hunger is usually prompted by pressure-type emotions like anger, frustration or resentment.”

Heart Hunger doesn’t bring up specific cravings. You just have to eat and begin to mindlessly search for things (this used to happen to me A LOT). You often pick something soft, smooth or creamy (examples: ice cream, cheese, chocolate, cake, mashed potatoes, ethnic foods). “Heart hunger usually creeps in gradually.” It’s fueled by subtle emotions like loneliness, boredom, fatigue, need for love, etc.

Gosh. How can a book understand me that well? Why don’t I “understand me” that well?

Seriously. Can you relate to these descriptions at all?

The book goes on with steps to deal with the emotions in other ways than eating. The method is more than just distracting yourself, if I recall correctly.

I feel hopeful just writing about it.

The funny thing is, overeating/binging hasn’t been a huge problem for me lately. But last night scared me. I used to eat like that ALL THE TIME. And I’ve mentioned that I don’t understand how my mood suddenly changed to allow me to follow a healthy lifestyle.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to stay at a healthy weight.

Right now, I’m at my “plateau” weight. The weight I always get to and stall, then regain. I was hoping to just bust right past it. But I am dwelling on it too much. I’ve got to let it go. I’ve got to give my body time.

I think the whole “Body Mass Index” (BMI) is kind of bs, but I am in the overweight category with a 28.7. I’m almost “obese.” I’d just like to get into the “normal weight” range and STAY THERE.

But you know what? That’s probably not truly “normal.” Normal for most people is probably just like me, having issues and struggling with food.

But, we try. Right?

So, I’m going to keep trying. I already feel better. Thanks for reading.

Comments (14)

By kilax, October 11, 2008 7:48 am

If I know I am going out for dinner in the evening (like tonight, with diane and E – a much awaited date!!!), I like to browse the restaurant menu online during the day, and pick my meal in advance.

I do this for several reasons:

One – it gives me time to pick the “healthiest” choices for a meal, if that is what I am in the mood for. Or, it lets me pick out a “not-so-healthy” meal choice, but gives me the entire day to eat a bit less, or even exercise a bit more (if I choose).

Two – it saves time at the restaurant, giving me more time to chat with friends. Normally, I am so excited to talk to friends at dinner, that the waitress comes back 3 or 4 times before we’ve made up our minds about what to order… or even opened the menus to take a peak!

Three – it gives me piece of mind. I have serious anxiety issues when it comes to choosing what to eat at a restaurant if I didn’t have time to research the menu or am not familiar with the place. All of these thoughts go through my head, “What did I eat today?” “Should I eat something unhealthy, or wait for a treat later in the week?” “Will I have time to work out after dinner?”

I try not to be an annoying dinner partner. And I still enjoy eating out! I just have a hard time not getting something really bad for me all the time and not clearing my plate all the time.

So, does anyone else choose meals in advance? For same or different reasons? Please don’t tell me I’m the only one!

Comments (12)

By kilax, October 10, 2008 5:45 am

Do you take any vitamins or supplements? Which do you take? Do you notice any difference in your overall health from taking them?

Steven and I both take Centrum Multivitamin in the morning. I honestly don’t feel like it does anything. Anything that I notice. But it makes me feel better that it might be “filling in the cracks” with the nutrients I might be missing in my diet.

I’ve taken iron supplements before. After insistence from my mother. But honestly? It is really easy for vegetarians to get the nutrients they need in non-meat based foods. Well, it’s easy if you’re conscious of it!

Comments (10)

By kilax, October 8, 2008 9:47 pm

Last night, I wrote a rant post about the quote below. I ran across it in the July issue of VOGUE. (I’ve been checking out back issues of VOGUE from our public library, in an attempt to spend less money on magazines, and learn a little more about fashion.) I interpreted the quote as “Starve Yourself!”

My intent was to publish the post this morning, but at the last minute, I didn’t. I figured you’d had enough of the health stuff for awhile. And I also figured I was being a bit extremist about the whole thing. I thought, maybe I was the only person who thought there was something a bit off about this quote (it was not followed by an article).

BUT! Today, after NOT posting that, I actually saw this in the “Letters from Readers” section of the October issue of VOGUE:

I am not alone!

After reading this, my passion came back all of a sudden, and I wanted to share my thoughts again.

First things first – I DO NOT think VOGUE is the place to go for health advice! Of course not! But, the way that quote is written, it DOES make me feel like they are saying “It is okay to not eat when you are hungry.”

SO MANY PEOPLE, myself included, do not eat when they are hungry. They eat all the time. They eat when they are emotional. They eat when they are bored. They eat when they are sad. They eat when they are happy!

I am trying (SO HARD) to learn to eat when I am hungry. To eat a small amount right before hunger hits, then stop when I am satisfied.

I don’t know A TON about how the human body works, but do you think it knows when you are hungry? I mean, if you are gorging yourself everyday (like I WAS), it won’t know, BUT it relearned with time.

So, I say, if you are hungry – then EAT, goddammit!

Okay. Now. How do YOU interpret it?

(Edit: A “pang” is a “a sudden feeling of mental or emotional distress or longing.” Does that mean that it is not true hunger? Did I misinterpret this completely? AH! My anxiety just came back!)

(Edit 2: Oh. And “Picturing my last meal” would make me feel more hungry. If I am feeling “snacky” but NOT hungry, the best thing for me to do is distract myself with something else not food-related!)

Comments (13)

By kilax, October 6, 2008 12:12 pm

You know what has made following a healthy lifestyle SO MUCH EASIER? Having Steven doing it with me, as well as supporting me and encouraging me.

Sometimes you aren’t lucky enough to have a support system. Sometimes the people around you, the ones you live with and would expect to be the most supportive, are condescending and negative. Or downright spiteful, manipulative and intent on sabotaging your plans.

I haven’t dealt with this in an extreme way, but I think all of us who have tried to be healthier have felt resistance from other people at some point in our lives.

We were talking about this this weekend, and it dawned on me how important it is to have a support system. And how lucky I am to have Steven in this with me, but also all of you, who continue to read this drivel and encourage me. Thank you.

It seems silly to only be realizing this now. I mean, how many health magazines articles have I read talking about this? “Exercise with a friend to keep the weight off for good!” “Cook healthy meals, together!” “Share your weight loss plan with family and friends!”

I guess I didn’t realize how lucky I am, because I have grown accustomed to it. Accustomed to Steven making healthy meals, running with me, asking how my weight loss is going, etc. Accustomed to his encouragement.

And only now that I think about it, I realize all of the times I’ve been unsuccessful in weight loss, I’ve been on my own. Yeah, I’ve lost the weight, but did I keep it off? No. I am almost strong enough. But not quite. Maybe some people are.

I think I at least need someone I can talk to about it, without feeling embarrassed.

To have that, and more, I am grateful.

Comments (10)

By kilax, October 5, 2008 7:31 am

I never thought the term “retail therapy” applied to me. Even though I have spent a few lunch breaks walking up and down State Street, wandering in and out of stores I had visited only a week or so before… I just thought I was looking for “essentials” for my work wardrobe.

Right.

Now that I have cut back on that (really, I have most of what I need) I realize that shopping was just a replacement for what I used to do during my lunch break to get away from work stress for awhile – eat eat EAT!

Don’t worry – I didn’t waste a lot of money, or even spend that many days at the stores, I just realized when I was out there, I wasn’t really looking for anything in particular. I was just looking for a mental break.

For a few months, I have been eating my lunch at my desk. Every day.

I hate this. It makes me feel anti-social. And it doesn’t really count as a mental break. Even if I am sitting there, reading email or blogs, or whatever.

Somedays, I don’t even leave the floor of my building.

Which must be why I liked going to shops. It just got me out of the building. And may be why I would run around outside looking for treats, before I started my healthy lifestyle quest.

We have a “break room.” But you know what? I can’t eat in there. I can’t sit still, and watch people eat their lunch. Without craving something more than mine. I am not starving myself, but I am grazing – I eat small things throughout the day. It actually feels great. But sitting down, and seeing someone eat so much more, along with trying to make small chat – I can’t do it. It makes me all nervous and antsy and depressed. It affects my ENTIRE day.

And I can’t take my small lunch back there and make it last very long. I already eat fast, and I am not eating much. So put those two together – why even go back there?

When I lived and worked in Rome, I did this as well. Only, we HAD to leave the office during lunch. So I would walk around and see the sights, eating my small lunch. Why can’t I do that here?

Yeah, ideally, I wouldn’t be this weird about food.

Comments (15)

By kilax, October 2, 2008 9:11 pm

Okay, okay, I LOVE that I can just get up and run 2-3 miles on any given weeknight, and feel totally refreshed, and not even that tired afterward.

BUT. All of the jiggling fat on my butt and upper legs is becoming a bit distracting when I am running. I feel like I have a butt… full of pudding. Big, sludgy pudding that moves up and down with every step.

It’s time. It’s time to finally get serious about strength training/toning.

Tomorrow.

(After… I get all of your toning moves advice? Lunges? Right?)

Comments (9)

By kilax, September 24, 2008 12:46 pm

When, if ever, I am going to NOT feel guilty about taking a day off from exercise?

I know. I need to let my body rest. And I know. I should probably do some strength training, and go easy on the cardiovascular.

But I can’t get over the guilt.

Most days, I really crave the exercise. I feel like it completes my day. But every once in awhile, I just want to relax. I don’t want to scarf down my dinner, rush to put on my exercise clothes and race out the door. I want to get home, eat a slow(er) dinner, maybe sit on the couch, play Rock Band, play with Data, actually talk to my husband…

I don’t want to feel guilty for meeting a friend for dinner instead of going home to exercise. I don’t want to feel guilty when we have to run errands on a weeknight, and it’s too late to exercise when we finally get home. I don’t want to stress out about when we are going to get exercise in when we have house guests.

I just want to accept that I did or did not exercise the day before… and get on with my day. And not dwell on it.

With time. Let’s hope, with time.

(Part of me kind of feels like I should apologize for blogging about the same themes… for such an extended period of time in a row. But, I’m not going to, because it makes me feel better to get it out there. I’ll just say – I hope I’m not boring you too much).

Comments (19)

By kilax, September 23, 2008 5:25 pm

Everyone’s bodies are affected differently by weight loss/gain, but I always lose/gain weight in the same area first.

Can you guess what it is?

I’ll give you a hint: I’ve already dropped two sizes there.

From a D to a B.

Yeah.

I didn’t believe the Victoria’s Secret salesperson helping me in the dressing room. She took my measurements, and gleefully said, “Yep, you’re a B!”

I later asked Steven if he heard me scream, “A B?!” from the dressing room. I guess the music was too loud for him to hear me though (that, and he was too busy feeling disturbed by all the teeny-boppers there buying lacy bras and thongs).

I didn’t believe the salesperson. And I was so frustrated at that point (by the ridiculous amount of people there and the nauseating fragrance area), I just grabbed a B-size bra, bought it, and left. I was sure when I got home, it wouldn’t fit, and I would have to take and back and say, “See! I am at least a C!”

Nope. It fit perfectly.

Which means I need to make an investment in some new bras. And hope that I don’t lose any more weight in that area.

Tell me – when you lose (or gain) weight, where do you first see results?