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By kilax, February 20, 2010 6:15 am

What would it be like if you lived in a world where people were unable to lie?

Have you seen The Invention of Lying with Ricky Gervais and Jennifer Garner (and many other famous actors)? That is essentially the plot – no one lies – everyone is brutally frank and honest. Things like fiction and religion do not exist. People say exactly what is on their mind. The words “lie” and “truth” don’t even exist in their vocabulary.

And oh my goodness – it is so funny. The dialogue and random spurts from the characters completely cracked me up. If you like films that make fun of society, you* will love this one (but… if you are offended by films that poke fun at religion, you will dislike it).

The plot of the film is simple, but it delivers a very strong message. It really got me thinking.

In the beginning of the film, the main character, Mark (played by Gervais), is a bit down on his luck. He knows he is getting fired, his mother is dying, and he goes on a date with the woman of his dreams – but – she tells him she thinks he is fat and ugly, there are no prospects for a second date, he doesn’t make enough money, and that she is only at dinner with him as a favor for a friend. She tells him flat out – she’s out of his league.

He gets fired at work, and his coworkers (Rob Lowe and Tina Fey) proceed to tell him that they never liked him, they think he’s a loser, and he’ll never succeed in life. Harsh, but I guess that is what people say when they cannot lie!

Through a funny encounter (which I won’t spoil for you!) Mark figures out how to lie. At first he uses it to help himself and other people, but eventually, he uses it to create fame and extreme wealth for himself. Oh yes, and to create religion.

He ends up becoming close friends with the woman of his dreams, Anna, but even though she calls him her best friend, she is still shallow and will not date him. Like everyone else, she only sees people artificially – as who they appear to be. She is only looking for a “genetic match.” So, despite having fame and wealth, Anna still will not date Mark. You will have to watch the film to see how it all ends!

The story was very interesting, and really got me thinking about a few things:

1. What would it be like if you lived in a world where no one lied, or really, where people didn’t withhold their true feelings? It would be so freeing to be able to stay whatever was on your mind, and people would certainly toughen up… but would there be any negative consequences? I hate to say it, but some things are best left unsaid. The people in the film are so harsh to one another. I don’t think we should live in a false reality, but I also don’t think every evil thought that crosses my mind should be spoken.
2. What would it be like to live in a world without fiction? In the film, the “movies” are all just someone reading about history. What if we didn’t have art, theater, music… creative expression?
3. What if relationships were only based on genetic matching (looks) and money? It could have the potential be completely unsatisfying!
4. What if people forever treated you based on their initial perception of you? Now, that isn’t too far-fetched – I think it happens now. But in the film, everyone does it. If you appear to be a loser, you will forever be a “loser,” no matter what you do.
5. What if religion was non-existent? How would people change if they didn’t have something to believe in, and tell them the difference from right and wrong?

Have you seen this film? What do you think – does it seem like one you would like to see? Do you have any thoughts on my questions listed above?

*I am thinking this is a film that Andrew, Diane, Erin, Kim** and Nilsa would like.
**Too funny, I was catching up on posts, and sure enough, Kim has seen it already!

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By kilax, January 23, 2010 6:36 am

I completely devoured Alicia’s Silverstone’s book The Kind Diet. Once I started reading it, I couldn’t stop! And it’s a non-fiction cookbook! I think that says a lot about how much it spoke to me.

Today, I would like to give you my general review of Part I and II of the book. I am not going to review Part III, the recipe section, because I have not tried any recipes yet! I would also like to do a mini-series on topics that really spoke to me from the book and deserve a blog post all their own. So expect to see those in the upcoming weeks/months. And if you are a blogger reading this book as well (Anna, Gelareh and Paige) please leave your input or give me a link to your review post so I can share it!

The Kind Diet is organized into three parts: Kind versus Nasty, Living the Kind Life, and The Recipes. I will give a synopsis of the first two parts, and my review afterward.

Part I: Kind versus Nasty
Part I is split into six chapters: What’s So Kind About Dieting?, Nasty Food #1: Meat, Nasty Food #2: Dairy, More Nasty Food: White Sugar and Processed Foods, Kind Foods, and Nutritional FAQs

• What’s So Kind About Dieting? – Sliverstone immediately dispels any myth that this book is promoting what we currently think of as a “diet.” She asks us to go back to the 1600s definition of the word diet: a way of living, or thinking, a day’s journey. Now, how does that sound compared to what we think of when we hear the word “diet” today? She talks about how the “Kind Diet” is not just a way of looking your best, but feeling your best as well. She shares her interesting story about becoming vegetarian – how she was rescuing dogs, but still eating meat. Then it dawned on her – how was eating meat much different than eating her dog? I found this part interesting, because Steven made this realization when we rescued Data, then became vegetarian.
• Nasty Food #1: Meat – Silverstone talks about some of the damaging effects meat can have on the human body as well as the environment. She briefly touches on slaughter practices, maybe in two paragraphs, but is really focusing on how meat makes you feel. This is an interesting approach to encouraging veganism. She is all about animal welfare, but wants the reader to think about their welfare as well.
• Nasty Food #2: Milk – Again, Silverstone discusses milk’s effect on the human body and environment. She brought up some interesting facts that I did not know about milk, and of course, mentions how cruel the dairy industry is. (Notice she does not have a chapter on eggs? She includes some egg facts in the meat and milk chapters.)
• More Nasty Food: White Sugar and Processed Foods – I was afraid to read this chapter. I try to avoid processed foods and sugar, but of course, do not entirely. Silverstone mentioned some symptoms she feels after eating sugar: headaches, weight gain, rushes followed by crashes, slight depression, more sugar cravings… oh yes, I could relate. She recommends cutting out white sugar, high fructose corn syrup, organic evaporated cane juice, and honey, and replacing them with brown rice sugar, barely malt, agave syrup, molasses and FRUIT. Remember how I gave up sweets last year for Lent? Well, I lost a lot of weight and felt great. This IS something I need to work on! Step by step of course…
• Kind Foods - In this section, Silverstone reviews some of the “Kind  Foods” – foods that are kind to your body, animals, and the environment. These foods are whole grains, “new” proteins (new as in not meat, but beans), vegetables, and vegan desserts. Surprisingly, the five favorite vegetables she lists – kabocha squash, leeks, leafy greens (not including spinach), daikon and burdock – are things I have NEVER eaten. Oops. She also goes over amino acids and encourages eating organic produce.
• Nutritional FAQs – Here, Silverstone discusses how to get enough iron, calcium, Omega-3s, and B12 (she discussed protein in the previous chapter).

Part II: Living the Kind Life
Part II is split into seven chapters: Flirting, Going Vegan, Becoming a Superhero, The Kind Kitchen, Kind Away from Home, Getting Fit, Inside and Out, and We Are All Activists

• Flirting, Going Vegan and Becoming a Superhero – Silverstone presents the Kind Diet in 3 plans. Flirting is a low-pressure plan where you cut out meat and try some new foods. In the Vegan plan, you abstain from animal products entirely. And in the Superhero plan, you loosely follow a macrobiotic diet – eating fresh whole foods, grown locally, and in season, cutting out processed foods. Silverstone recommends starting with the Flirt diet for 30 days, then moving on to Vegan if you feel comfortable, then on to Superhero. Each chapter gives meal ideas and a guide on what kinds of food to buy. She recommends being kind to yourself throughout the journey – the Kind Diet is not about perfection.
• The Kind Kitchen – This chapter is about reconnecting with eating through cooking and planning ahead. Silverstone gives cooking tips, recommends tools for the kitchen, advises on how to engage other family members in the Kind Diet, and gives ideas for quick meals.
• Kind Away from Home – Here, Silverstone gives tips on eating out – finding a good place, checking out the menu, calling ahead, and ordering as complete of a meal as possible (grain, vegetable and protein). I was surprised she advised on “letting it go” if you eat homemade pastas with egg in them at an Italian restaurant – it’s easy to ask and avoid this (I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, since she goes on to say that once in a blue moon she has one piece of fish sushi – this just reiterates that she is mostly doing this for health reasons). She also advises on eating in airports, and entertaining at home.
• Getting Fit, Inside and Out – Silverstone advises against exercising “mechanically,” or just doing it because it’s part of your regimen. She advises on listening to your body and giving it the exercise it really wants. Yeah. That sounds easier than it is, Silverstone. Some of us have to force ourselves to exercise before we learn to like it! I feel like I have gotten better at this, but still have some work cut out for me. Silverstone also recommends inner exercises like journaling and meditation. Can I count this blog?
• We Are All Activists - This is a section of tips on how small lifestyle changes you make, like reusing things, buying secondhand and using natural materials, do make a difference in the long run. Remember, we vote with our actions! Every small change does make a difference.

Wow. That was a LONG overview. Can you imagine if I talked about EVERYTHING this book made me think about? WHOA!

My Review

So, I really enjoyed the first two parts of the book. The Kind Diet is written very casually, like you are talking to a friend. And I love how Silverstone uses words like “sexy” to describe certain foods. At one point, she even advises to buy “any beans that turn you on.” So cute.

Silverstone has done a lot of research and includes facts, but it doesn’t feel like you are reading a textbook. And I think it is a great idea to include nutritional information inside of a cookbook. I like how neat little tips are mentioned throughout the book (I will write about these later!).

Even though following the Vegan and Superhero diets would require significant alterations to most diets, Silverstone presents it in a way that makes it seem attainable (except for going down to one piece of fruit a day on the Superhero diet… that would be a struggle for me). Sometimes, when I am reading healthy lifestyle ideas, I feel so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to start. You know, you can’t change EVERYTHING all at once. That would be too stressful! If you start with the Flirt diet, then move on to Vegan, it is an easy and smooth transition. You slowly swap out foods, releasing your body of toxins as you do so. As you add in “kinder” foods you begin to notice how much healthier your body feels (or so Silverstone says).

And I really like the whole theory behind the Kind Diet – it is all about reconnecting with what your body wants, food-wise. It is about being kind to yourself, animals, and the environment. It’s about purposefully living your life in a manner that makes YOU feel your best, in mind, body and spirit. Wouldn’t that be great?

I think this is a great book for someone considering vegetarianism, or just looking for ideas on how to live healthier. I can’t wait to try some of the recipes!

Would you like to read The Kind Diet? Do you feel like you could follow this lifestyle?

Has a book ever spoken to you so much that your head was just filled with ideas?

Let me know if you would like to read more about the meat and dairy chapters (or any other chapters). I did not include many details, because I am not trying to preach veganism to you, and know a lot of you probably don’t want to read it.

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By kilax, May 31, 2009 8:29 am

I love the convenience of shopping for groceries at Target, I really, really do.

But I am really, really frustrated with shopping there right now. They keep dropping the products we buy – Cocina Nueva Mexican rice, 8th Continent Soy Milk, whole wheat flour (why the hell would they drop that?), Odwalla bars, Barabara’s Bakery products… the list could go on. And the selection is just crap. I cannot find any vegan margarine or vegan semi-sweet chocolate chips. They have hardly any organic produce. They’re always out of the cereal we want. Ugh.

I really don’t want to be one of those people that shops at four different stores on the weekends. I liked getting everything I needed at Target, and not wasting too much time. But it sounds like I am going to have to make a supplemental trip somewhere else. Perhaps I will finally step inside a Whole Foods since I still haven’t visited once since I moved out here over two years ago. I am grateful that I live in such a big area and have these other stores to shop in. I know I will find what I want, it just may not be as convenient as I like it to be.

I actually wanted to share a few products I have tried lately and liked. Ironically, I found one of these (the Odwalla bars) at Target one week and they were gone the next. Oh well.

Amy’s Roasted Vegetable Pizza: I really like pizza (who doesn’t, right?) so I’ve been wondering… what kind of pizza does a vegan eat? We found this vegan Roasted Vegetable pizza to try. It has marinated organic shiitake mushrooms, roasted red peppers, sweet onions, marinated artichoke hearts and no cheese. Yum yum yum! It smelled super strong when it was cooking, so I was kind of worried that it would taste too “fancy pants” for me, but we both ended up really liking it. It’s very sweet – I think the onions used are vidalia. It’s not like eating a cheese pizza, but it’s very tasty. I would also like to try Amy’s other vegan pizzas – Rice Crust Spinach and Non-Dairy Rice Crust Cheeze Pizza. Of course, we don’t have these at Target, and I am surprised they still had the Roasted Vegetable when I visited Target yesterday.

Odwalla Chocolate Chip Peanut Bar: Two weeks ago, Target had entire boxes of these flavor of Odwalla bar. I bought one to try since I like Berries GoMega so much. HOLY CRAP! These are so good, and they’re vegan! I actually wrote a sticky note on the box that said, “Steven, you HAVE to try one of these. They are like a little slice of heaven.” Like the other Odwalla bars, it is very chewy and dense, which are characteristics I like in a granola bar. And it’s sweet, but not too sweet.  The perfect treat! They were gone on yesterday’s Target trip though. The Berries GoMega bars where there. I noticed they had two different kinds of packaging – a 6 pack with 2.2 oz bars, and a 6-pack with 2 oz bars. Hmm, which should I buy? Way to phase those out, Target. On a side note, I found out that another store in our area has almost all of the Odwalla Bar flavors, but in single serving only. I got Strawberry Pomegranate (not that impressed) and SuperFood and Super Protein (haven’t tried those yet).

Stonewall’s Jerquee: A coworker told me about a health food store downtown so I decided to check it out. They had a few different brands of vegetarian beef jerky, so I picked up two packages of Stonewall’s to try – Original Mild, and BBQ “Beef” (BBQ “Beef” is the only one they carry that is not vegan, because it has honey in it). I called Steven to tell him about it, and it seemed pretty weirded out. BUT, we ate the the BBQ “Beef” packet on Friday night and were shocked – it is so realistically close to tasting like beef jerky, that Steven actually said, “It feels wrong to eat this.” They got the chewy texture just right. What a fun snack. I ordered some big bags off of their website.

What a piece of the vegetarian jerky looks like.

And while I am at it, I must admit that I tried THREE new kinds of Luna Bars this week, while at the same store I found the jerky in. I just got really excited to have such a large selection to choose from. I tried Luna Bars – Dulce de Leche, Cookies ‘n Cream Delight, and and Iced Oatmeal Raisin. These were all really good, but tasted very sweet. So sweet, I think they are more a of a treat, and not something I should eat that often (they have WAY TOO MANY ingredients in them). I try not to eat bars that often. I’ll have one homemade one a day, and sometimes one after I workout, if I don’t have dinner right away.

Extra points if you made it this far!

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By kilax, May 3, 2009 5:56 pm

My birthday isn’t until July 31st, but this is what I want:

The Forerunner 405CX, 405, or whatever cool version is out in July…

Steven has had his Forerunner 405 (Jack) since December 22, but really hasn’t started using it intensely until now, since we finally have weather that permits outdoor running.

We were already impressed that it kept track of our pacing and distance, and even figured out when we were running laps at the park, but when Steven connected Jack to the computer today and showed me the Garmin Connect website… I was blown away.

The website shows elevation, speed, heart rate, as well as a physical google map of your run! I cannot believe we haven’t looked at this until today!

Of course, many of you already know this… and have been sharing your maps/charts on your blogs, but wow. This is one cool little watch!

If you click here, you can see our stats from yesterday’s race. And if you click on the “player” button (and hit play), it will show a little video of our movement on the map as well as our elevation vs. speed (chart shown below).

Today is a “Yes, I love technology” day!

It’s also a “I am so happy my legs aren’t as sore as they were yesterday” day! My legs aren’t usually sore after a long run, but they were immediately yesterday. I was changing in the backseat of my car, and just lifting my leg up while in the sitting position made my calf cramp. We walked around for about an hour and a half after the race, so I am happy we just didn’t get into the car and drive home! I imagine that would have made it much worse.

I really, really, really think I am going to have to try ice baths after my long runs now. Anything that prevents injury and lets me keep running… brr!

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By kilax, April 10, 2009 6:45 pm

Runner’s World recommends refueling with carbs during a run if you are running 75 minutes or more, and refueling with carbs and protein (4:1 ratio) within 30 minutes after a run that’s longer than an hour.

Hey, just tell me I need to eat more, and I’m a happy camper.

Seriously though, I’ve noticed that I feel much better if I refuel immediately after a long run that’s more than an hour. I’ve been refueling during runs that are longer than 75 minutes, but haven’t noticed much of an energy surge from it… yet! (Steven’s noticed the difference it makes though)

During long runs, I’ve been using Jelly Belly Sports Beans and Luna Moons. The beans are really easy to throw into the side of your mouth and chew while you are running. I’ve only tried the fruit punch flavor, which I liked (even though it was very sweet), but Steven has tried orange and lemon lime and liked those (orange the best). I really like the flavor (I’ve tried pomegranate and blueberry) and chewiness of the Luna Moons, but they get stuck in my teeth! So I will probably use the sports beans during the half marathon so I don’t have to deal with that.

I have not tried GU’s, gels or bloks. I am worried about the gag effect as I try to swallow them.

The truth is, I really just wrote this so I could tell you how excited I am that I finally, finally think I found the perfect “energy” bar for after my long runs. I feel like I’ve tried a zillion different ones. So many of them tasted too thick, chewy and artificial to me. I like things that are fruit flavored, especially strawberry. I don’t like the chocolaty stuff.

The perfect bar is… the Odwalla Berries GoMega bar! It’s a softer bar, more “granola-y,” with a few different kinds of fruit in it. I really like the flavor and texture of it, and the sweetness.

I also like the Luna Sunrise bars in Strawberry Crumble and Blueberry Bliss, and the ZonePerfect bar in Cranberry Orange. I like the flavor of all three of these, but they border on “too chewy and artificial” tasting. And I think they may contain traces of milk, which will be a problem if I decide to go vegan.

And if I need some electrolytes*, I like to drink Powerade Zero in the strawberry flavor. This stuff is super sweet, but I like it!

I just realized that most of these things probably cater best to someone who has a sweet tooth, like me. Steven likes energy/protein bars that are completely different than what I like, because all of mine are “too sweet.”

Steven really likes the ZonePerfect Banana Nut, ZonePerfect Fudge Graham, ZonePerfect Chocolate Peanut Butter and the Kashi Go Lean Crunchy Chocolate Peanut.

I know this is a super long, boring post, but I wanted to share my preferences with other runners/exercisers and anyone who is interested! Does anyone have any recommendations for someone with a sweet tooth? Or maybe something for my chocolate/nut/peanut butter lovin’ husband? Or just something you’ve tried and loved and want to share?

*It’s what plants crave!

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By kilax, April 4, 2009 6:38 am

Update 4/10: Phot0s are available on the Glamour website now.

I was flipping through the May issue of Glamour last night and I came across a page with a gorgeous, curvy model wearing a bikini.

She looks AMAZING!!!

“Oh my gosh!” I thought, “They are actually showing a realistic looking model that has a body that looks like mine!”

I was excited. Then, I realized the entire photo shoot was that one, gorgeous, curvy model. And then I was ecstatic. Giddy. Excited. All by a swimsuit photo shoot!

I love this suit. I could see myself wearing it.

The article is called “Now That’s A Sexy Swimsuit!” and features model Crystal Renn in 5 different swimsuits. I tried to find it on the Glamour website to share with you, but couldn’t (so I scanned these two photos to share).

Props to Glamour for actually showing a realistic looking model in some attractive swimsuits. I am going to have to write them a letter telling them how inspiring it was to see someone I can actually relate to… and that it actually made me look forward to buying a swimsuit this year!

This photo shoot, and a few other blogs I’ve been reading have got me thinking about swimsuits. I have a pretty good swimsuit story, that I actually feel represents a good era of my life, when I wasn’t preoccupied with my body image or food all the time.

My father and I visited Spain in the summer of 2002 with my classmates and Spanish teacher (one of those trips). My mom helped me shop for the trip. I picked out a couple of swimsuits, one being a bikini that she ABSOLUTELY was opposed to me wearing. She called it my “Eye Patch and Dental Floss Swimsuit.” If you look at the photo below, you’ll see why.

Of course, I had to wear it while I was there, just to spite her! Muah ha ha.

I talked to her last night on the phone, telling her I was going to post about it. “You know,” she said, “it was not that I thought you looked bad in the bikini, it was just that I thought you were showing too much skin.”

She’s probably being sincere. But now I realize I DID LOOK BAD, but am happy to report at that time in my life I DID NOT CARE. Without going into too much detail, let’s just say… I became very indifferent to what others thought of me in high school. That’s not to say I had a 100% healthy self esteem, but that I had a very healthy outlook on my appearance. I didn’t worry about how I looked, what others thought of me, or what I ate. As you can see in the photo, maybe I didn’t look that great – but I didn’t care.

Ignorance was bliss, in that case.

It’s not until I got to college that I started to think about food, weight, exercise and apperance. So every once in awhile, especially around swimsuit season, I think of this silly photo, and the time in my life it represents.

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By kilax, March 29, 2009 10:37 pm

Has anyone else seen Knowing?

Steven and I saw a preview for this when we went to see Taken. I turned over to him and said “That looks really good, but… Nicolas Cage is in it…” I had kind of written off Nicolas Cage movies as “immediately in the Netflix Queue” movies. As in, “not worth seeing in theater!”

But Ebert gave it 4 stars (like that means anything, I know), we love “the world’s coming to an end” movies, and had a free movie ticket*, so we decided to go.

Wow. I was completely shocked by this movie. We all know from the previews that the movie is about a sheet of paper with a bunch of numbers all over it. Nicolas Cage gets a hold of the paper and figures out the numbers correspond to dates of horrific events and the number of deaths. Pretty freaky already, right?

Well, I don’t want to give it away, but the movie is a little bit more complicated than that. It took on a much more different angle than I expected it to based on the preview. And it seriously creeped me out. As in, I was grabbing Steven’s arm in the theater, and will probably have nightmares.

I wish I could say more, but I don’t want to spoil it. If you were thinking about seeing it in the theater, I think it is worth it.

*We are signed up for the free rewards program at our theater, and they keep giving us free drinks, and popcorn and tickets! They gave us another ticket tonight! Sweet!!!

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By kilax, March 18, 2009 4:10 am

I have to share two dirty little secrets:

1. I am a runner who NEVER does strength training. (BAD BAD BAD!!!)
2. I am a runner who NEVER gets sore from running. I push myself, but never feel the burn the next day. Lucky, I guess.

With that being said – for me to find a workout DVD that gets the strength training in, AND makes me feel sore as hell, that means a lot! And that’s not mentioning that is also gets my blood flowing and my heart rate up.

I’ve been doing Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred at Level 1 for four days now. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the DVD, it is split into three levels of workout intensity. You become comfortable with one before you more on to the next. I think the idea is that you do it once a day for 30 days straight, but it never actually explains that on the DVD… anywhere that I’ve found anyway!

Each level is a “20″ minute (more like 30) workout with a warm up, then 3 intervals each of 3 minutes on strength, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 minute of abs, and a cool down. It is fast paced and keeps your heart rate going the whole time.

Pros: Just doing this for four days has me walking around like I have stiff, sore legs. It hurts to bend over. My chest is sore. It feels great! I can really see this DVD changing my body in the next 30 days. And I like that it only takes 30 minutes of my time, can be done without leaving my house, and requires minimal equipment – just free weights.

Cons: I worry that the DVD is only going to strengthen my upper legs and chest/upper arms. I hope that we get to a calf exercise in the later levels. And I find Jillian annoying and fake. But I bet a lot of people say that. (In the last ab exercise of Level 1, she says “I know you feel that little knot in your stomach. That’s your body getting stronger.” Ugh. Every time she says that, I DO feel it. Those bicycle crunches ARE HARD.) And one more thing – the DVD doesn’t play nice with our DVD Changer. Oh well.

Overall, I really like it, especially being the first workout DVD I’ve ever tried. I hope that if I ever surpass Level 3, I will have a new found inspiration to continue strength training on my own! I really think anyone* could do this DVD – no matter what your exercise level is. It is tough at first, but even four days later, it’s feeling easier to me.

Side Note: I just remembered that Jillian Michaels has this game for the Wii. I don’t have the Wii Fit, but the game sounds kind of cool.

*Let me know how it goes if you try it! I know Tori is talking about it! And based on offline conversations with Denise, Mom, Courtney and Gina – I think you four would like it as well!

Comments (21)

By kilax, October 15, 2008 5:51 am

It’s time for me to reread Life is Hard, Food is Easy, by Linda Spangle.

It’s also time for me to 100% honest. To let it all out.

This is going to be a long one…

Steven and I have a typical weekday routine. It’s nice for me. He gets home first and makes dinner. I get home, dinner is made, we eat. We almost immediately exercise outside, together, or move camp upstairs to use the treadmill.

Last night, Steven got home about an hour after I did. Of course, no dinner was made when I got home (Thanks a lot, Data).

I immediately started to have a weird “out-of-routine” panic. I wanted to make dinner and eat together, but I knew we would be eating too late for both of us to use the treadmill or exercise outside together.

So, what happened? I tried to busy myself by cleaning up the kitchen before preparing dinner.

But I was feeling stressed, anxious, and nervous. How I’ve felt since Sunday. There’s more bothering me than what I’ve mentioned in my lovely “Why I’m Pissed Off Today” series. I’ve been externally avoiding these things (not talking about them), while internally dwelling on them and feeding my “pissed off” mood.

I think I’ve created a self-fulfilling pissed off mood. Anyway.

It happened. Those leftover, p.o.s., “I’m too pissed off to take these ugly oatmeal raisin cookies to work” (long story) cookies were sitting on the counter, all crumbled up in a container. Stupid p.o.s. cookies.

I ate one crumble. Yum. I ate more. I kept eating. I couldn’t stop. Inside my head I was telling myself, “No! You have to eat dinner with Steven soon!” But I couldn’t stop my hand and mouth. I was just grabbing them as fast as I could and chewing them even faster.

It literally felt like something took over me.

Somehow, I stepped away, and sat down on the couch with my computer. Steven called, and I told him about it. He suggested throwing the cookies away. I did. I am thankful for that.

I still ate dinner. But I didn’t exercise. In fact, I laid in bed while Steven exercised, feeling cranky and upset. About so many things.

I tried to be reassuring. I told myself, “You only ate about 600 extra calories! You’ll be fine! No biggie! Sometimes you eat more than that at a restaurant and still lose weight!” (see how positive my self-talk can be?)

This morning, I stepped on the scale. I have a love/hate relationship with the scale. As in, I love it when the number goes down, and hate it when it stays the same or goes up.

I still weigh myself every day, to keep on track. My dream is that someday, when I am “maintaining” my weight, I will only step on that b*tch once a week. Ha.

It said I went up TWO pounds. This is illogical. I did not eat THAT much. I quickly came up with reasons in my head to defend the gain, then told myself, “STOP – STOP DOING THIS!”

Stop obsessing.

I should be proud of myself. Last weekend, I got my “Size 12” box out of my closet. It had been on a shelf since last winter. Everything fits. Everything. Shouldn’t I be proud of that? I am moving through clothing sizes so fast now (so fast, that I am wasting money when I buy new pants – they only fit for a month or so).

I was a size 18. My goal is a size 10 (maybe smaller). I’m so close. But still, I obsess.

I worry. I think about food too much. I’m afraid of food. I. Have. To. Be. In. Control.

This weekend, Steven and I are traveling to Iowa to visit my family. We even took Friday off from work. I am excited about the trip. I haven’t seen some of my family since June!

But I worry. Like I always do. I worry I won’t have a good time unless I am stuffing my face. I worry I will eat too many “bad foods.” I worry about losing self-control.

Seriously. What’s the big deal, if every once in awhile, I let things go and eat more? (A lot more)

I beat myself up about it though. Even though I am telling myself, “This isn’t a big deal, Kim! It’s just one time weekend! You eat healthy all the time! Give yourself a break, girl! You deserve it!” I still feel guilty.

I have such an unhealthy, warped relationship with food/eating.

I’m so into “self-help,” I am convinced I can “fix” myself.

I read this book the last time (sad to write that) I lost a lot of weight, and I have reread a few sections since then.

It’s funny how I only read health books/fitness magazines when I am already in the process of a healthy lifestyle. I guess when I am not following a healthy lifestyle, I just feel too hopeless to even kid myself by opening it.

Anyway. I remember that I connected with this book so much when I read it.. that it was eerie.

Of course, I always think I am the only person who has overeating/binge problems. I’m not. But I forget.

The book links certain emotions with food and recommends a 5-step plan to overcome, essentially, eating your emotions.

I’m always weary of “step” programs. But the rest of the book seems so smart – I feel like it is speaking directly to me – that I think it is time for a reread/rethink. There must be something in there to help me.

I have to share the portion of the book that really “clicks” with me. The author identifies two kinds of “hunger” that bring on the emotional eating reflex – “head hunger” and “heart hunger.”

Head Hunger begins with a specific craving for something chewy, crunchy or textured (examples – chewy: candy bars, trail mix, steak; crunchy: nuts, breakfast cereal; textured: pizza, fries). “Head hunger is usually prompted by pressure-type emotions like anger, frustration or resentment.”

Heart Hunger doesn’t bring up specific cravings. You just have to eat and begin to mindlessly search for things (this used to happen to me A LOT). You often pick something soft, smooth or creamy (examples: ice cream, cheese, chocolate, cake, mashed potatoes, ethnic foods). “Heart hunger usually creeps in gradually.” It’s fueled by subtle emotions like loneliness, boredom, fatigue, need for love, etc.

Gosh. How can a book understand me that well? Why don’t I “understand me” that well?

Seriously. Can you relate to these descriptions at all?

The book goes on with steps to deal with the emotions in other ways than eating. The method is more than just distracting yourself, if I recall correctly.

I feel hopeful just writing about it.

The funny thing is, overeating/binging hasn’t been a huge problem for me lately. But last night scared me. I used to eat like that ALL THE TIME. And I’ve mentioned that I don’t understand how my mood suddenly changed to allow me to follow a healthy lifestyle.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to stay at a healthy weight.

Right now, I’m at my “plateau” weight. The weight I always get to and stall, then regain. I was hoping to just bust right past it. But I am dwelling on it too much. I’ve got to let it go. I’ve got to give my body time.

I think the whole “Body Mass Index” (BMI) is kind of bs, but I am in the overweight category with a 28.7. I’m almost “obese.” I’d just like to get into the “normal weight” range and STAY THERE.

But you know what? That’s probably not truly “normal.” Normal for most people is probably just like me, having issues and struggling with food.

But, we try. Right?

So, I’m going to keep trying. I already feel better. Thanks for reading.

Comments (9)

By kilax, May 22, 2008 12:35 pm

Emergency midday lunch break post!

I saw this graph on icanhascheezburger this morning while I was checking blogs and brushing my teeth… and was still giggling about it when I got to work.

I just had a chance to look at the actual site – Graph Jam – during my lunch break – H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S! How did I not know about this site?! Why don’t you people tell me about these things?! I immediately added it to my reader.

The subtitle for the site is “Pop Culture for People in Cubicles.” The site contains funny graphs about… pop culture. That is it. I have a feeling Steven will love it. He loves making graphs and charts in excel. Sometimes, I think he loves excel more than me.

Here are a few of my favorite graphs: