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By kilax, October 14, 2009 7:26 am

Should you let anything define you?

I think one of the reasons I am struggling so much (mentally) with not being able to run is because for so long I let it define who I was. I’ve been searching for a hobby since graduation in May ’07 (remember dancing, bowling and fencing?), but nothing really stuck with me. The novelty always wore off.

With running, it was a new game each time. The weather was always different, I could run alone with tunes or run with a friend, I could try a new forest preserve* path or run in the city, I could go for a short or long run, I could run fast or slow… you get the idea. And I felt like running was really something that helped me connect with other people – both in real life and online. I loved telling people I was a runner. I loved talking about it. I loved doing it.

I loved thinking “I’ve beat the 9:00-5:00 (in my case, 5:00am-7:00pm) slump. I’ve found a fun, healthy hobby to do in my 3 hours of free time each weekday.”

But is running really the thing I want to define who I am**? Was I prioritizing it a bit too much during that time? Was I obsessing over it a bit?

Maybe, maybe and probably…

The thing is, I had so much fun doing it. I loved having that time to myself (when I did) to think and decompress. I loved the way it made me feel. And I had so much fun writing my weekly marathon training recaps, even though they were super long and probably super boring***. So, I really think running was a good hobby. It just required a change in lifestyle that took a while to fully absorb. And that is where I was struggling.

I hope some of you can relate to this, because it isn’t just about running. It’s about trying to find your place in life. Trying to find balance. Trying to find out what makes you happy – it’s not really as easy as you think (at least, in my case).

So right now, what defines you, if anything? Do you think about the defintion of who you are (a compilation of your hobbies, beliefs, aspirations and social community) the same way I do, or differently?

*This is why I love living in Lake County
**As much as I love my job, I don’t wan it to define me. People don’t give a crap about your work.
***Steven has confirmed this.

Comments (15)

By kilax, June 4, 2009 12:59 pm

I have a reoccuring dream that I am on a plane to Rome, feeling extremely guilty because I have “left”* Steven to pursue my own interests.**

This morning the dream was a bit different. I was sitting next to a classmate on the plane, when I looked down into my luggae (why I had it with me, who knows) and realized I didn’t pack ANY of my running gear.

I started to panick and my classmate assured me it would be okay and I could buy running gear in Rome.

“But I didn’t even bring my Garmin! How will I know how far I’ve gone?!”

Oh jeez. This has gone too far.

But after I woke up, I thought, it would have been FUN to run in Rome! I never did. It would be dangerous with the way people drive there, but it would be so neat to run by all of the old, unique buildings. And I know some of my classmates were running when we were there. Maybe someday I’ll get an opportunity to run there again.

Is there any really cool place you like to run? Or do you have a dream run like this? Right now, I love running in the forest preserve, when I am not getting attacked by birds!

*Not “left” as in divorced, but “left” as in “left behind (for awhile).
**I think I have these dreams because I did chose to extend my winter 2006 stay in Rome into the summer ( I stayed to work for an Italian Architect) when Steven and I were engaged. I only saw him twice in seven months.

Comments (14)

By kilax, March 17, 2009 6:54 am

Do you ever have a strong urge to call a friend and let all of your emotions and frustrations out, but you hold back, because you don’t want to burden/bother them?

What is with the filter?

I had a day yesterday, that, let’s just say, didn’t make my sour weekend mood go away. Let’s just say it built on it. There’s a lot going at work. It’s nothing bad that reflects on me individually, but something that affects my organization. It was enough to stress me out after I left work and make me have dreams about it last night.

I needed to call someone last night and talk about it. I used to always call my mom first. She has always been my #1 go-to person, and probably always will be. She’s a great listener, and always gives me the reaction I need.

But she’s not always available. She has important daily commitments. And I don’t want to bother her when she’s busy. And quite honestly, I am selfish, and I don’t feel like I get the attention I need when she’s busy (makes sense – she’s busy).

So last night, I had the urge to call a friend first. Someone who is also a good listener. Someone who can relate.

But, I didn’t. I didn’t want to burden her with my work stress, when she already has her work stress.

Thinking about it now, that’s bull-crap. Our relationship is not set up on the premise that we both have perfectly wonderful lives with no stress. Yeah, we’re both generally happy and know we have a lot to be grateful for, but what’s to say I can’t call her and just let her know how stressed I am at the moment?

I believe it’s fine to say I am stressed out about my job right now, without having to justify it with “I am grateful to have a job.” OF COURSE I am. But for the moment, I let that hold me back.

I believe my friend and I are both the nurturing type. We have the tendency to listen a lot to other people’s problems first, before we share ours. It’s not that we don’t share them, just that we don’t prioritize them all the time. We maybe sit on them. I sometimes do, anyway.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. I’ve had strong urges to reach out and call her other times. Once, when I was having some food related issues. I just needed to talk to someone who understood. But still, I held back.

If I am lucky enough to have this wonderful, understanding friend that I can relate to, and who is also a great listener, why don’t I let myself be 100% MYSELF to her?

Comments (19)

By kilax, October 9, 2008 5:29 am

Sometimes I have bad dreams right before I wake up. Yesterday morning, I was staying in Cleveland for business, and I had an awful dream that Steven and I were fighting about something. He wouldn’t even talk to me about it.

Then I woke up, alone, feeling guilty and sad. From a dream.

Does this happen to you as well?