Comments (19)

By kilax, December 19, 2009 6:21 am

For me anyway! It’s never Point A to Point Z. It’s Point A to Point K, then oops, I started out too strong, back to Point C, trudging along to Point Z again, and I never get there…

Hmm, what the hell am I talking about?

With 2010 approaching I have been thinking about how I want the “new” year to be. I am not the type to make resolutions, or really even goals, but I am the type to dream ahead of what my future might have in store. And to do that, you kind of have to evaluate the past.

So I’ve been thinking about all of the journeys I’ve tried to take in my life. Journeys to improve my health. Journeys to improve relationships. Journeys to improve skills. Journeys to improve my personal characteristics. Usually, during these journeys, especially in the beginning, I am speeding along, making great progress… until I hit a snag and I fizzle out a bit. What causes that? Is it boredom? Is it exhaustion? Is it lack of progress?

Or is it just me, jumping into things too fast, too enthusiastically, too anxiously?

Whatever it is, it has resulted in a lot of non-linear journeys. My journeys are riddled with setbacks, re-dos and start-overs, and it’s hard to get back on track. I know that is part of life’s overall journey. You aren’t ever really allowed to go from Point A to Point Z. You don’t continually increase your running mileage forever. You don’t lose 2 pounds per week in an even manner. You don’t become more understanding without one or two blow-outs. You don’t always say the right thing.

But, I want to work on this. I want to work on my consistency. And generally, being less anxious about things. I would love to be calm. I would love to have an image of what I want 2010 to be like, but not be in a rush to make it all happen. And not be disappointed when it turns out differently – you know it will! And I know there will be bumps in the road, I just hope they will be smaller bumps.

Do you feel like there are linear and non-linear journeys in life? How do you deal with setbacks?

Comments (16)

By kilax, October 14, 2009 7:26 am

Should you let anything define you?

I think one of the reasons I am struggling so much (mentally) with not being able to run is because for so long I let it define who I was. I’ve been searching for a hobby since graduation in May ’07 (remember dancing, bowling and fencing?), but nothing really stuck with me. The novelty always wore off.

With running, it was a new game each time. The weather was always different, I could run alone with tunes or run with a friend, I could try a new forest preserve* path or run in the city, I could go for a short or long run, I could run fast or slow… you get the idea. And I felt like running was really something that helped me connect with other people – both in real life and online. I loved telling people I was a runner. I loved talking about it. I loved doing it.

I loved thinking “I’ve beat the 9:00-5:00 (in my case, 5:00am-7:00pm) slump. I’ve found a fun, healthy hobby to do in my 3 hours of free time each weekday.”

But is running really the thing I want to define who I am**? Was I prioritizing it a bit too much during that time? Was I obsessing over it a bit?

Maybe, maybe and probably…

The thing is, I had so much fun doing it. I loved having that time to myself (when I did) to think and decompress. I loved the way it made me feel. And I had so much fun writing my weekly marathon training recaps, even though they were super long and probably super boring***. So, I really think running was a good hobby. It just required a change in lifestyle that took a while to fully absorb. And that is where I was struggling.

I hope some of you can relate to this, because it isn’t just about running. It’s about trying to find your place in life. Trying to find balance. Trying to find out what makes you happy – it’s not really as easy as you think (at least, in my case).

So right now, what defines you, if anything? Do you think about the defintion of who you are (a compilation of your hobbies, beliefs, aspirations and social community) the same way I do, or differently?

*This is why I love living in Lake County
**As much as I love my job, I don’t wan it to define me. People don’t give a crap about your work.
***Steven has confirmed this.

Comments (8)

By kilax, May 20, 2009 6:39 am

I liked today’s Runner’s World Quote of the Day:

The quote says: Running gives me a sense of controlling my life. I like the finiteness of runs, the fact that I have a clear beginning and end. I set a goal and achieve it. A good run makes you feel sort of holy.

Except for the whole “feeling holy” part (what does that even mean?), I can totally relate to this.

I am someone who struggles with having control in their life. I need structure. I need goals/milestones/guidelines. I can be easy going and go with the flow of things, but I am someone who works best with a PLAN.

Running gives me the opportunity to have long-term goals and plans to achieve them, along with mini daily goals. I DO feel accomplished when I have it in my mind that I am going to run a certain distance/time that day, then I go out and do it. It’s maybe the one thing in my life that is simple enough I CAN control on a daily basis.

My only worry with this is that I am TOO goal-oriented. Honestly, I was feeling a bit lost in my running until I signed up for the Kansas City Marathon. I felt worried that I would “lose” my endurance if I wasn’t following a training plan. Even now, I am keeping up around 20+/- miles a week, but I still feel lost/unstructured, because my official training does not start until 6/15.

And surprisingly, feeling lost in running spilled over into feeling “uneasy” in general. I was really, really anxious until I selected my next goal and developed my next plan. I guess running truly is my balance now.

So, while I think it is good to have plans and goals to follow, because they make me feel like I have some control, I realize that I have some sort of addiction. Steven actually told me he thinks I have compulsive behavior when it comes to running (and other things) – he thinks I set my mind on something, and won’t stop until I achieve it (or something like that – he wasn’t trying to insult me). That can be both good and bad. It would be really good if I could take some of that and apply it to other life goals (oh you know, like getting licensed, blah de blah), but for now, my focus seems to be on running. Which is good… until I become too obsessive. And I don’t feel like I am there yet. Ha!

This is actually not meant to be a post all about running, but about control and goals, and I think it could apply to a lot of different behaviors or activities. Do you feel like there are elements in your life that you feel you have control over, and bring you a sense of accomplishment, or calm?

Comments (15)

By kilax, November 1, 2008 7:04 pm

I actually have good news about my goal to eat slower.

I’ve been consciously putting my fork down between bites, chewing slowly and thoughtfully, and waiting to pick up the fork and get a small bite AFTER my mouth is empty.

And it’s been working! I’ve noticed my meals are lasting longer, and I feel full sooner.

I didn’t realize it until I started working on this, but I had been basically shoveling food into my mouth. Now, when I reach for more food, I actually stop myself and wait until I am done chewing. It sounds dumb, but it is really helping.

The other day, Steven finished his meal at Subway before me. This never happens. But this time, I was eating slow and really talking a lot.

So Steven is sitting there, waiting for me to finish and says, “Is there a speed somewhere between fast and… that?”

Ha ha.

Remember my other goal, actually, goals, from the beginning of the month? Let’s revisit them. I’ll cross out the ones that I accomplished:

• I posted here every day That kind of happened
• I finished drawing the sketch of a friend’s home based on measurements I took in… June – I didn’t do this, and still feel guilty
• I actually opened the LEED book I borrowed from my father-in-law last winter and READ it
• I gave Steven the photoshop lessons I’ve been promising him – guilty about this too
• I wrote a letter to my friend Rixa, who lives in Rome – working on this today!
• I finally visited my new nephew! (We plan on it)
• I ran another 5k (with Steven)
• I got rid of some of the jiggle in my butt and thighs – But not through toning, just through exercise
  
• I lost ten pounds

So I guess writing goals down may or may not be an effective method for me!

Comments (7)

By kilax, October 4, 2008 9:18 pm

It would be amazing if these things happened in October:

• I posted here every day
• I finished drawing the sketch of a friend’s home based on measurements I took in… June
• I actually opened the LEED book I borrowed from my father-in-law last winter and READ it
• I gave Steven the photoshop lessons I’ve been promising him
• I wrote a letter to my friend Rixa, who lives in Rome
• I finally visited my new nephew! (We plan on it)
• I ran another 5k (with Steven)
• I got rid of some of the jiggle in my butt and thighs
• I lost ten pounds

If the cold weather keeps me inside, maybe I will get some of these things done. What do you think? What’s on your plate?