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By kilax, January 7, 2010 4:56 am

Gossiping. We all do it from time to time. It’s so fun, yet so wrong… right?

There was an interesting article in the Wall Street Journal yesterday – “Killing Gossip with Kindness.” The article discussed methods teachers are using to quell student gossiping, rampant gossiping on the internet, and the merit of gossiping.

Quelling Gossiping in Schools

A teacher quoted in the article said kids today seem more sarcastic than past generations. She suggests to students that before saying something about someone else, to ask themselves, “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?“

What a great triad of questions to remember. It seems obvious to think through these questions before you open your mouth, but of course, we don’t. And while I have to say – I think many kids are just MEAN – I believe this exercise would be helpful and develop good habits.

Rampant Gossiping on the Internet

The article mentions the plethora of gossip online, and how it can permanently tarnish your image – because it’s online forever. We bloggers are familiar with this. People seem to be apt to say things online, behind the safety of a computer screen, that they would NEVER say in real life.

Professor Daniel Solove*, who wrote a book about internet gossip, was quoted:

Given the times we live in, he says it can’t hurt to reinforce in our children the need to ask: “Is it kind? True? Necessary?” But he suspects that “we can’t make people nicer. So we need to keep pushing legal consequences.” He advocates the strengthening of laws against Internet irresponsibility, arguing that the specter of being sued is the best weapon to slow down malicious gossip.

Can you imagine being sued for what you say online? That seems like an invasion of freedom of speech, but hey, it wouldn’t surprise me.

The Merit of Gossiping

To me, the most interesting part of the article was the section with quotes from Professor Susan Hafen**. She argues for gossiping:

In her research, she has found that workplace gossip often serves a positive function. For instance, it helps people conform: When we gossip about someone who got fired, we learn what happens to people who break the rules.

At the same time, gossip is a social interaction. “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Those are good questions,” says Dr. Hafen. “But it would be a boring world if we always had to tiptoe around, being kind. For one thing, we wouldn’t be able to tell any jokes.”

More seriously, she says, prohibiting gossip that isn’t “kind” may be a way of “avoiding unpleasantness, of fence-sitting, of not rocking the boat. If we only tell kind stories about people, then we may be avoiding holding people responsible for their actions.”

That last sentence quoted is what I struggle with – keeping my mouth shut and letting other people get away with irresponsible behavior. No matter how hard you try to communicate your concern, it can still be perceived as an attack to the person, rather than a discussion of their actions (or lack thereof).

What do you think of the article? Are you going to ask yourself “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?” Are internet laws against gossiping appropriate? Is there merit to gossiping? Do you think you need to cut back on gossiping? (please comment on what particularly interests you from the article!)

Overall, I can say I gossip much less than I used to, and that is a direct reaction to the work environment I entered in December of 2008. But, there ARE people who irk me the wrong way, ALL THE TIME, and boy, does Steven get to hear it. I make a conscious effort to try to say some nice things about them from time to time as well, but yeah, not all the time. I am going to start asking myself the three questions.

Bonus Question: Have you ever tried to remain neutral when with a group of people who are gossiping?

I have. You don’t say anything and they get VERY upset. It makes them feel bad. I’ve been in this situation a lot.

*From George Washington University Law School.
**A professor of communication at Webster State University in Ogden, Utah.

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By kilax, January 5, 2010 5:04 am

Whether it’s good or bad, is it a honor or burden to be the “first to know” news?

I have a friend who tends to confide in me with news before she tells anyone else in our circle. For example, she told me she was pregnant well before she told anyone else. And I was honored! But then when she told everyone else, I had to pretend that I didn’t already know. And since some people were not happy to know the news (I know, AWFUL) I had to deal with that as well.

It’s not that big of a deal when the news is good, but now the friend confided some news in me that is others will not take so well. I admit, I am saddened by the news, but am looking at how it benefits her in the long run, so I am happy for her. Sorry to be vague (you know how it is).

So again, I am honored that she sought me out and told me first, but now, I feel somewhat burdened. I know this news, and have to wait for it to come down the pike. I have to orchestrate my reaction when I receive it from other people so it doesn’t seem like I already knew.

Maybe I’m just over thinking it.

Have you ever felt burdened by knowing a piece of news before everyone else did? Or do you find it exciting and wait for the day when the person makes the reveal?

To whom do you first tell YOUR news?

I first tell my news to… my mom. Yes, it’s true. I tell all of my BIG news to Steven first, but I call my mom to tell her I got a great deal on paper towels, made a really good wrap for lunch, am excited to see her… okay, maybe those things don’t count as news!

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By kilax, July 30, 2009 7:05 am

…well, be careful what you say ANYWHERE, really, but I’ll get back to that.

This morning, I was riding the elevator with a man and a woman that I don’t know, when one started talking to the other about a building project that my team worked on. The woman asked the man, “Did your team work on that project?”

“Oh, no, no, no,” he defended himself. “I wasn’t involved, but it is my understanding that A LOT of effort went into the decision making.”

“Well, it sure doesn’t look like it!” she responded. The she went on a bit about her ideas for the design.

I had one of those internal dialogues like “should I say something?” The thing is, the project had SO MANY people involved that my team really struggled with it. We were trying to please many different people (all with different opinions!) at once. BUT, all of that doesn’t matter; I still think we did a good job.

So when the guy got off the elevator (after she ranted a bit more), I said, “MY team worked on that project…” kind of inviting her feedback, not that it mattered. The decision was made.

“Oh! Sorry! I just think…” blah blah blah. She went on again about how she liked things the way they were. I just kind of laughed to myself.

You have to be careful what you’re saying. You never know who you’re around!

Earlier this week, I was walking back from a job-site meeting with two coworkers, and I asked who would be managing the project after us. When one of them responded with the person’s name, I said, “Oh, great! It seems like he has a really good understanding of the project.”

Well, after I said that, they went on a bit about one of his coworkers they don’t like as much. And… guess who walked up behind us right after that? The guy who would be managing the project after us. Nice.

I think these conversations are best behind closed doors, and even then, I wonder…

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By kilax, May 14, 2009 5:54 am

I was flipping through an old issue of SELF magazine (July ’08) at the gym last night and felt like the blurb “Prevent summer letdown” was speaking directly to me:

(In fact, that entire page – front and back – may have been speaking directly to me. The article next to it was titled “How I stopped cursing a blue streak” and the one on the back side of the page was “Be a good gossip.”)

I spend a lot of time during the winter and spring fantasizing about the summer. A LOT. Steven can back me up on this because he’s had to listen to me talk about it all winter long.

What am I fantasizing about? Weekends spent at the cabin in Guttenberg (Iowa), boating, swimming, eating, lounging… and also nice summer days, with long runs in the warm sun.

Steven and I have coordinated our schedules so we have a quite a few 3-day and 4-day weekends this summer. But, who’s to say that we will be able to stick to our plan of getting away to Guttenberg 100%? I know we won’t. We already have weekends filling up with plans that require us to stay home over the weekends, and who knows what the weather will be like anyway. Oh, and it would be good to get some chores done and not abandon Data completely.

The article recommends keeping an element of reality in your fantasy. And isn’t that good advice for any fantasy? I would say so. It seems our fantasies become more attainable (and turn into goals!) when we DO give them a sense of reality.

So I am going to follow some of the tips when I feel like I am “stuck at home” this summer. We have an amazing forest preserve system in the county I live in that I have really been wanting to explore. We have a grill, and neighbors we like to spend time with. And we do live “close” to that wonderful city of Chicago – there might be something to do there!

Maybe I should have saved this for a Friday Question (since I seem to have trouble coming up with them), but do you have summer fantasies? Do you usually see them out? Or do you need to prevent summer letdown as well?