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By kilax, January 7, 2010 4:56 am

Gossiping. We all do it from time to time. It’s so fun, yet so wrong… right?

There was an interesting article in the Wall Street Journal yesterday – “Killing Gossip with Kindness.” The article discussed methods teachers are using to quell student gossiping, rampant gossiping on the internet, and the merit of gossiping.

Quelling Gossiping in Schools

A teacher quoted in the article said kids today seem more sarcastic than past generations. She suggests to students that before saying something about someone else, to ask themselves, “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?“

What a great triad of questions to remember. It seems obvious to think through these questions before you open your mouth, but of course, we don’t. And while I have to say – I think many kids are just MEAN – I believe this exercise would be helpful and develop good habits.

Rampant Gossiping on the Internet

The article mentions the plethora of gossip online, and how it can permanently tarnish your image – because it’s online forever. We bloggers are familiar with this. People seem to be apt to say things online, behind the safety of a computer screen, that they would NEVER say in real life.

Professor Daniel Solove*, who wrote a book about internet gossip, was quoted:

Given the times we live in, he says it can’t hurt to reinforce in our children the need to ask: “Is it kind? True? Necessary?” But he suspects that “we can’t make people nicer. So we need to keep pushing legal consequences.” He advocates the strengthening of laws against Internet irresponsibility, arguing that the specter of being sued is the best weapon to slow down malicious gossip.

Can you imagine being sued for what you say online? That seems like an invasion of freedom of speech, but hey, it wouldn’t surprise me.

The Merit of Gossiping

To me, the most interesting part of the article was the section with quotes from Professor Susan Hafen**. She argues for gossiping:

In her research, she has found that workplace gossip often serves a positive function. For instance, it helps people conform: When we gossip about someone who got fired, we learn what happens to people who break the rules.

At the same time, gossip is a social interaction. “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Those are good questions,” says Dr. Hafen. “But it would be a boring world if we always had to tiptoe around, being kind. For one thing, we wouldn’t be able to tell any jokes.”

More seriously, she says, prohibiting gossip that isn’t “kind” may be a way of “avoiding unpleasantness, of fence-sitting, of not rocking the boat. If we only tell kind stories about people, then we may be avoiding holding people responsible for their actions.”

That last sentence quoted is what I struggle with – keeping my mouth shut and letting other people get away with irresponsible behavior. No matter how hard you try to communicate your concern, it can still be perceived as an attack to the person, rather than a discussion of their actions (or lack thereof).

What do you think of the article? Are you going to ask yourself “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?” Are internet laws against gossiping appropriate? Is there merit to gossiping? Do you think you need to cut back on gossiping? (please comment on what particularly interests you from the article!)

Overall, I can say I gossip much less than I used to, and that is a direct reaction to the work environment I entered in December of 2008. But, there ARE people who irk me the wrong way, ALL THE TIME, and boy, does Steven get to hear it. I make a conscious effort to try to say some nice things about them from time to time as well, but yeah, not all the time. I am going to start asking myself the three questions.

Bonus Question: Have you ever tried to remain neutral when with a group of people who are gossiping?

I have. You don’t say anything and they get VERY upset. It makes them feel bad. I’ve been in this situation a lot.

*From George Washington University Law School.
**A professor of communication at Webster State University in Ogden, Utah.

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By kilax, December 16, 2009 4:17 am

There was an interesting article about bad gift-giving and how it can be straining on marriages this Tuesday in the Wall Street Journal. I found it humorous, but also, disappointingly sexist – both for men and women.

The article gives the classic examples of “bad” gifts given to wives from their husbands – vacuum cleaners, over-sized sleepwear, cooking pots, golf clubs, etc. Those stories are always good for a laugh or two.

But I felt like the whole article made men sound like thoughtless idiots who don’t listen to their wives, think twice about what they are getting them, or care if they are given a “bad” gift. It made women sound like they are overly emotional about receiving a “bad” gift, elusive about what they want, and the perfect gift givers.

Well, I always say “stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason,” but come on*. I know this isn’t true in our relationship. Since we’ve been together (7 years) I have not been able to get Steven the “perfect” holiday** gift. First it was an XBox. Then a printer. Specialty items for the Saab. A nice watch. A Garmin. So on and so forth. Run-of-the-mill things. How do we measure the worth of a gift? By the excitement of the person opening it? By how much they use it? How much they talk about it? If they thank you?

Steven has given me amazing, thoughtful gifts. Probably the most amazing was the first thing he ever gave me – a handmade box for holding my drawing pencils. He made that!

So, I am not anti gift-giving or saying I am awful at giving gifts, but… maybe it’s not all that important, in the long run. Maybe it’s not something worth getting upset about. Maybe we should just be excited when someone was thoughtful and generous enough to get us something. You can tell when it is sincere and from the heart, not matter how good or “bad” it is.

What do you think? Are these gift-giving stereotypes true?

*I would love to see this article include some examples of same-sex relationships as well. I wonder what the gift-giving stereotypes are there.
**Steven, it doesn’t help that your birthday is THREE days before Christmas!

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By kilax, August 24, 2009 7:04 pm

Yesterday my sister told me she couldn’t wait for school to start (today) because she was bored and sick of summer.

My sister is popular and in a sorority. I think she is looking forward to seeing all of her friends (and all of that exciting school work, of course!).

But wow. I never looked forward to the start of school and I never got sick of summer. Summer was my freedom. I had a somewhat reliable schedule that I could plan around. I knew when I would get to see Steven (we were in a long-distance relationship for four years). I knew I would get enough sleep. I knew I would feel sane.

College was the opposite*. My schedule meant nothing. Everything was up in the air. I had no stability. Teachers would slam us with ridiculous assignments. I felt like I had no control over my schedule. I felt like I had no free-time, until my (first) senior year.

I felt extremely anxious ALL THE TIME.

So now, when it’s “back to school” time, I think about how lucky I am to work somewhere where I get paid salary and don’t have to work overtime, and have all of my weekends off. My schedule is respected. I am in control – even if me being in control means I still overbook myself.

But that doesn’t mean I am not excited for everyone who is going back! I am. I wish I wouldn’t have let anxiety be such a huge part of my life then.

*I feel it is necessary to mention that I was in the architecture program, which practically requires marrying your projects if you want to be successful. Most students end up spending most of their free time in the studio, getting by on 3 hours of sleep or less for days and days on end. I had to cancel weekend plans a lot because I had so much to do.