Comments (24)

By kilax, December 30, 2009 7:48 am

It seems like I am making a New Year’s Realization instead of a Resolution. Ha, ha… ha?

I keep putting myself on ridiculous schedules because I think it will help me out, when really, it just hinders me.

I have to STOP doing this. I have to.

Today is a perfect example. I am having lunch with a coworker and I also want to get a run in. I obviously can’t do it during lunch time anymore, so it would probably make sense to do it in the evening. No, that makes TOO MUCH SENSE, let’s get up at 4:30 so we can get to the office gym at 6:30 and put 6 miles in before work! Then, you get to run, see your friend for lunch, AND spend quality time with your husband when you get home!

It sounds so perfect when I write it all out, but Steven can tell you which one of these things doesn’t happen. By the time I get home, I am so tired from getting up so early that all I want to do is eat dinner and go to bed. I try to “relax” (how does one do that?) by sitting on the couch watching a movie, but I just feel exhausted.

And I keep doing this… why? It’s like I want to prove to myself that I CAN fit it all in to one day – working out, lunch with a friend, time with Steven, 3 hours commuting and 9.5 hours at work.

I can’t do it all. I can’t have it all. I have to prioritize. I have to be flexible/less rigid with my schedule. Ugh. I just need to learn HOW TO RELAX.

Friends, I have been fighting this for a long time. It’s what causes me to get burnt out and give up. I don’t want that to happen anymore. I am sick of yo-yoing with my weight, and really, with my life.

Do any of you ever feel like you are doing this to yourself? How to you stop/slow down?

Comments (14)

By kilax, April 27, 2009 12:11 pm

Do you ever worry about becoming someone you don’t want to be? Maybe you have a specific person in mind, whose actions you simply abhor… or maybe it’s just a collection of traits that you worry about.

I have both – certain influential people in my life, as well as a list of various traits I try to avoid accruing.

Lately, I haven’t been giving my emotions the attention that they deserve. I’ve been very quick to react to things. Rather then stepping back, observing and evaluating, I hastily make decisions, just to try to keep up with the pace of things. I’ve become incredibly impatient. I don’t want to sit still or slow down for a minute.

This is adversely affecting me at work and at home. And I am beginning to worry more and more about turning into someone I don’t want to be.

I know who I want to be: happy, healthy, someone that people think of as “nice,” fun to be around, a good listener, hardworking, reliable, friendly, funny, intelligent, approachable, attractive, easy-going, patient, understanding…

But how do I get there? And QUICK! before I go to far in the other direction!

I’ve noticed that when I actually do slow down and take time to think about what is going on in my head (why I am reacting to things the way I am) I find the cause of the “problem.” But sometimes I just want to ignore it. I just want to avoid it. How awful is that? Here, let me just shut my brain off for awhile and go on autopilot. Let’s see where that gets me. I don’t like where that gets me.