Comments (20)

By kilax, December 6, 2008 2:28 pm

When you wake up at 7:30 on a Saturday morning, still recovering from a bad cold, and look out the window to see the ground covered with fresh snow, and more snow coming down… what do you do?

You get out of bed to run a 5K! Ha!

Mr. and Mrs. Santa Runners

Today we ran the Santa Sleigh 5K, for the Arlington Heights Rotary. I’ll admit, the big thing that got me to run this race is that EVERYONE is given a Santa costume to wear! (And yes, we did get to keep our costumes)

Santas at the starting line

I was laughing so hard when we driving around to park our car, because we were seeing all these random groups of Santas walking to the race.

During the race

The race went very well, considering that it was snowing and slushy, that we haven’t been running as much lately, that I am recovering from the cold from hell, that we ate Mexican food last night, and that I had to hold my pants up during the entire race (we got there 20 minutes before start and I think all they had left were the XL and larger sizes). I think we finished just after the 30 minute mark.

My disheveled post race outfit

The Santa beard actually kept my face surprisingly warm! I told Steven I think I am going to start wearing it during my walk to work in the mornings! Ha ha.

I think this is going to be our last 5K in 2008. It’s getting a bit cold outside. We plan to keep training during the winter, and maybe run a half marathon in the spring!

Comments (14)

By kilax, November 29, 2008 10:55 pm

It’s back.

That “I don’t care about me” feeling. That “I’m just going to eat whatever I want, who cares?” feeling.

I was afraid this would happen. I mentioned before that I had no idea what changed in me to make me WANT to be healthy. And not knowing what was allowing me to finally live a healthy life scared me that it wouldn’t last.

But I do know what is making me feel this way now. No, it is not Thanksgiving, or the stress of the holidays. It is guilt.

I feel guilty for making a few decisions* lately that benefit me and not others. I feel guilty for putting myself first.

Really.

I realized this the other day. I am punishing myself for feeling guilty. Punishing myself by EATING. How do you punish yourself with food? You eat and eat until you feel so stuffed that you are uncomfortable. A lot of you may have never done that, but I bet there are a few of you out there who know what I am talking about.

I’ve only had a few incidences when I’ve felt that super uncomfortable feeling, but it’s scary.

Guilt is not the only emotion that has driven me to overeat this past week. I’ve also been bored, frustrated and uncomfortable… and eating to cover those emotions. Guilt just happens to be the big one – the overriding emotion that is making me feel super stressed out. The feeling that is always in the back of my mind.

And yeah, yeah, yeah… I am happy to have “figured out” what is causing me to feel so out of control, but that is not stopping me from feeling out of control. Or stressed out. Or anxious, all the time.

I’m just worried. Worried about giving up. Worried that I am not meant to be healthy. Even writing that now, it isn’t logical, but that is how I feel. Like I don’t deserve to be healthy, and happy and guilt-free.

*I apologize for being so vague. I want to give more details, but not right now. I already feel uncomfortable enough, writing all this!

Comments (18)

By kilax, November 25, 2008 5:24 am

Last week I only ran ONE DAY. Not because I was lazy, or not in the mood, but because all of my nights were occupied with painting our bedroom, being sick, or having a migraine (wonderful week, right? And yeah, I still owe you some photos of the new paint).

On Thursday (the day with the migraine), I decided I HAD to run on Friday. All week I could feel the urge to run in my legs – when I was walking to work in the morning, I would wish I was running. I ran a little bit on the train platform (to get around some slow people) and I didn’t want to stop. But the only way to run on Friday was to do it in the morning, because I was going to be with my family all night.

So on Friday, I got out of my warm bed at 4:00 a.m. to go run in the 20°F weather. Steven made sure to call me a “crazy runner” when I woke him up to tell him not to be startled when I opened the garage door.

I felt like I was crazy, putting on long running tights under my pants, thick cold weather socks, Under Armour under a long-sleeved shirt under a jacket, along with gloves and a hat. But I knew I would warm up.

And I did. I walked a cold 5-minute walk to warm up then started my run, and felt fine after a minute or so. I had my mp3 player on, and the upbeat tunes made me feel energized. It was actually a pretty good run, despite being so gosh darn early and so gosh darn cold. The only bad parts were that my thick socks kept making my shoes untie (duh, I need to double knot them) and that I got cold when I stopped to walk back to the house (I’ll just run home next time).

When I got done with my run and got home, I felt completely energized. I ran up the stairs to take my shower. I thought, “This is a great way to start my day! I feel great!”

Yeah, it’s a great way to start my day… if I could be in bed by 9:00 every night!

So, I’ll try it for a few days this week, and whenever I need to, because of time constraints. But I really can’t do this all the time. I feel too exhausted by the end of the day.

It’s a shame, because I really prefer to exercise in the morning. I have that great, “I exercised this morning!” feeling, and I feel just the right amount of tired when I go to bed at night. And my stomach doesn’t get upset because I am running right after dinner.

But it just doesn’t work with my schedule all the time. And I DO prefer to run with Steven. So I guess I just need to fit it in whenever I can.

Comments (20)

By kilax, November 24, 2008 1:17 pm

When I went to bed last night, feeling like I was going to throw up from sugar overload, I said, “I don’t want to bake, see or eat another cookie EVER again.”

But when I woke up this morning with a splitting sugar-induced headache, and went downstairs to feed Data, I almost ate one of the cookies sitting out on the counter.

What is that about?

We ended up making 7 different sweets this weekend – caramel popcorn, frosted sugar cookies, caramels, kringla, snickerdoodles, fruitcake and no-bake cookies (we also had toffee and crispix mix to put in all of the gift baskets).

My favorite treat we made – Sugar Cookie Reindeer!

All the sweets we made

Some of the wrapped gift baskets

We had a few issues though. And that made the day a lot more stressful. The first batch of caramels took over an hour to make and turned out too hard. The fruitcake wouldn’t bake, so that ended up being a waste. The kringla got burnt because the temperature was too high on the recipe – only half the batch turned out.

Ugh. At the end of the day, I think all of us were thinking, “Why did we want to do all this?” We still had a ton of fun, but it was too much work. My back has hurt all weekend from standing on my feet so much. And I am dead tired. Oh well. That’s why I took the day off – to catch on rest.

We talked about getting together again next year around this time – but not doing all the baking. Ha!

And now…

… so forget everything I wrote on Saturday about being in control of my eating. Yeah, I was on Saturday, but yesterday was like a free for all with the cookies and sweets we made. I don’t know WHY I thought I would be able to resist. I tried for awhile, but that didn’t really amount to anything.

I am sick of thinking about it and writing about it, but it really helps. So bear with me.

I loved Diane’s comment on my post on Saturday:

Try not to worry too much about gaining weight. I mean, I think it is sort of inevitable that we are all going to do that this week, and that lots of sugar and comfort foods will bloat us up a bit. But real substantial weight gain happens over a long period of time. Get back to your routine as soon as you can and you will be fine!

I felt a lot better after I read that. Because it’s true. I AM going to eat more during the holidays. If I didn’t, I would feel deprived. And all I need to do is get back to my routine as soon as possible.

I realized that there are at least two patterns to my overeating – my crazy, “out-of-control” binges where I stuff my face with whatever is in the house for a short amount of time (like 30 minutes), and the all-day free for alls where I pick and eat at things all day long – never getting uncomfortably full, but always eating, eating, eating.

I’m actually excited that I am learning what is bringing on these beahaviors. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with them to begin with. I think we all have problems though. It’s just… being human. Or… American. Or something.

Comments (14)

By kilax, November 22, 2008 11:25 am

Ask…

… and you shall receive!

My parents arrived bearing gifts last night. Yes, I know I am spoiled!

I am so completely exhausted right now. I don’t think my body has felt this physically exhausted in a long, long time.

My sister, mother, grandma and I got up early and took the train to Chicago My grandma had never been to downtown Chicago! We mostly shopped, but I also had a chance to meet up with my friend Clare, WHO I HAVE NOT SEEN SINCE SHE WAS A BRIDESMAID IN MY WEDDING OVER A YEAR AGO! (Yeah, I was a bit excited!)

Kim, Clare and Katie (a college roommate of hers)

It’s really crazy that you can feel so close to someone, after not seeing them for an entire year. I meet Clare the last semester of college, and I always wish we had gotten to know each other sooner. We immediately clicked. That doesn’t happen often. I wish we could have visited longer today, but she was in town for a conference and had to leave.

We had a lot of fun in Chicago, going to the shops on State Street and Michigan Avenue. We took the train home very late. I am so happy Steven had dinner started when we got home. We cooked, ate, did dishes… and started in with the treats! I made all of my sugar cookie dough so it could cool in the fridge overnight, and my mom started in on the caramel popcorn!

Yummy… cookie dough! I resisted!

It’s just as good as it looks!

Even though it was a somewhat stressful day – not because I am unhappy, but because a lot is going on – I still managed to be in control of my eating. Yes, I ate more than I do on a daily basis, but I didn’t stuff my face. I suppose I just hope to make it through this weekend and next week without gaining weight. It’s going to be hard though. I cannot do my normal exercise for a few days this week, and I get pretty stressed about food around Thanksgiving. But, like I’ve said before, I am just going to keep going and trying.

Comments (18)

By kilax, November 21, 2008 5:42 am

When you were in high school did you eat dinner with your family or on your own?

I was thinking about this the other day. About midway through my freshman year, around the time I started theater, I began eating dinner on my own or with friends. Then I started working at McDonald’s the following summer, and I think I ate dinner there EVERY night I worked. I became a manager after working for a year, and then I got FREE McDonald’s food every day I worked. Ha!

I remember I used to go to soccer practice or theater or WHATEVER after school and then go to work to do the closing shift. I would eat french fries, ice cream, tortillas with cheese, cookie dough, shakes… basically whatever I wanted, all night long. Wow. I can’t believe I didn’t turn into a blimp!

I don’t remember ever eating diner with my family on a school night during high school. But it was just because I was busy and doing my own thing. Is this typical?

Comments (9)

By kilax, November 20, 2008 10:40 pm

Every once in awhile, Steven and I go to Sweet Tomatoes, our favorite buffet. We like it because they have a huge salad bar right when you walk in – that is the focus of the place. You make your salad and pay, then there is a little baked goods counter, soup counter, pasta counter, and sweets counter.

I have such a hard time going there.

Even though I make my healthy salad, and steer clear of the baked goods and grab a little dish of pasta… I just gobble it down. I get into some weird “buffet-dining” mentality that I need to eat my food as fast as possible so I can get up for more. And I always get more.

I’ve actually gotten better at eating slower at Sweet Tomatoes (and at home, and other restaurants), but every time I go there, I eat a lot more than I should. I don’t get a stomach ache or anything like that, but I just eat too much. Because it’s a buffet. And I feel all weird and rushed. And I feel deprived. And sad. Sad that I am not eating as much as I used to at a buffet, before I started caring about my health.

Today I was thinking about what it would be like to stop counting calories and just listen to my hunger. What would happen if I ate when I was hungry, rather than sticking to the allotted meals and snacks I have set up for myself throughout the day? Would I eat less? Would I eat more? Would I lose weight? Would I gain weight?

I really want to do that – stop counting, stop worrying. Stop thinking about it. But I don’t think I am ready. I really don’t think I am ready to live that guilt-free of a life. I have been having some binging issues lately. I’ve been avoiding some emotions, and eating them out instead. I feel that, until I conquer emotional eating, I may not be ready to listen to my hunger, because I am not really listening to it. I am letting my emotions dictate my eating patterns. And that just feels awful.

I am just going to see how the next few weeks go. This is a stressful time for me. I’d still like to lose some weight, and I think counting calories may be the way to do that. Oh, and avoiding the buffet.

On the side: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE someone help me with wordpress. I could not login to my admin panel tonight for a very long time. It just kept resetting every time I entered my login and password. I tried a million things to fix it, and nothing worked very well. I am not sure what finally got it.

Comments (21)

By kilax, November 17, 2008 11:27 pm

Already, they’re back in full force.

The evil penguins!

Just kidding. Actually, it’s the bloody noses.

I think my nose bleed for a full 20 minutes tonight. I just had to stand over the sink and let it come out, because it was soaking up the tissue too fast.

Please, please, please – someone get me a humidifier for Christmas. Or sooner. Humidifiers, especially cute penguin or other animal shaped ones, make great early Christmas presents. Or great “we’re coming to see you the weekend before Thanksgiving presents.”

(Okay, or I could just buy one myself – they’re not that expensive and we just got a $10 off coupon from Lowe’s [ironically, the day after we spend over $400 there])

Comments (20)

By kilax, November 16, 2008 10:34 pm

We have a super stressful week ahead of us. Besides preparing for my family’s visit next weekend with the typical cleaning and shopping, we also have to ship four Saab winter wheels and tires somewhere (?), put up our Christmas tree, as well as finish PAINTING our bedroom so we can SLEEP in it.

And did I mention the shopping won’t be normal shopping for guests, but shopping for guests and for ingredients for about 10-15 different cookies and sweets?!

And what did I do all weekend that I did not get any of the above mentioned done? I had neighbors over for dinner, ran a 5K, got my oil changed, test drove a car, went to Lowe’s, went to Quantum of Solace, did laundry, painted test samples, went back to Lowe’s and Target, taped, painted, cursed, went to Home Depot, cut up all the vegetables, took the garbage out, cleaned the kitchen…

I feel like the only time I sat down this weekend was at the movie. And I was being anxious and jumpy anyway (slow movie).

I am stressed out. I have so much to do, and what? Two and a half free hours each night to do it? If I skip dinner, and don’t exercise?

I don’t care if I have to stay up late to get all of these things done. I just want to exercise. I am already feeling anxious and stressed out about the fact that I may not have the time to (logistically, I can’t right now – there is no room in the bedroom to pull the treadmill out).

And I’m feeling stressed about stress eating. And stressed about the fact that I’ve been feeling so much more hungry lately. What is THAT about? I thought you got LESS hungry when you weighed less? Am I confusing hunger with something else?

I am trying to mentally prepare for the week and these challenges. I may actually have to make a little schedule to make sure I get all the things done I need to get done.

Monday – Paint
Tuesday – Paint?
Wednesday – Shopping
Thursday – Cleaning / Tree

I’ve just gotta let out all of my stress here. And say that it’s going to be a rough week, but an awesome weekend with my family. And a great Monday off NEXT week. That’s when I’ll get my rest!

Comments (16)

By kilax, November 15, 2008 11:59 am

This morning was the WonderGirl 5K! I didn’t get as many photos as I thought I would because Steven decided to run it with me (instead of being my photographer)!

I’m really happy Steven decided to run it. Even though we don’t talk much while we are running, it’s nice to have someone I know next to me. It keeps me going.

More than 2000 people ended up running this 5K. We got there around 8:00 (the race started at 9:00) and there were already tons of kids everywhere, getting warmed up, having their faces painted, drinking free hot coco, decorating foam tiaras to wear during the race… it was energizing to have so many people out, all so enthusiastic about the race.

I tried to take a photo of of the huge crowd…

Look how beautiful the sky was. NOT!

I saw a lot of school groups running with the young girls, but I also saw families, fathers with daughters, mother with sons, and single people like me and Steven… there was a huge variety. It was inspiring to be running by a father and daughter and hear him say, “You set the pace, and I’ll follow you.”

There was no official timing of the race. There was a clock in the end, but the focus was on everyone finishing – on everyone being a winner. We all got medals. I thought that was pretty cool.

I’m proud of my medal!

I know our time was about 2 minutes slower than normal, but I wasn’t out there to kill my last time. I was just out there to participate. (I think that is what my winter training is going to be about – staying in shape, not working on timing)

After we finished, we went back to part of the route to cheer other runners on. We did that for about 20 minutes until my Under Armour started to turn ice cold and I had to get into the car and heat up. I am happy we stayed to keep cheering though. It’s always nice to have people cheering for you, whether or not you know them!

I had a lot of fun at the event. I saw a lot of women running with younger girls, letting them set the pace, and just sticking with them. I would love to be a mentor (well, they call it a “running buddy”) like that, but I know my schedule doesn’t allow the time. I think I will contact the Girls on the Run organization near my home and see what I CAN help with.