Comments (12)

By kilax, November 13, 2008 7:49 am

Usually, when I am making a “life decision,” I just follow my gut. I stick to whatever my natural inclination is.

That’s a luxury, I know – a selfish one – to be able to make decisions solely for myself.

(And unfortunately, it’s not always THAT easy. I’ve learned that the big life-changing decisions take me a LONG time to sort out)

In my gut, I knew that I really wanted to participate in the WonderGirl 5K this Saturday. Like I mentioned before, I read about the organization in a magazine, and felt like it really called out to me.

But there were a few logistical barriers: the race is about a zillion and one miles away from my home (okay, 60 miles), I would have to wake up at the crack of dawn to run it (okay, Data is waking me up that early every weekend anyway), and I would have to run it alone (okay, I’ve done that before – no biggie!).

And the big one – I felt guilty asking Steven to get out of bed that early on a Saturday, to drive me halfway across the state (slight exaggeration) and watch me run a 5K – possibly in the snow – with a bunch of young girls and families.

But you know what? I really wanted to do it, so I signed up for it first thing Monday morning, and have been excited about it ever since then.

It struck me as odd this week, that I felt so much excitement simply by signing up for this race. I usually don’t feel this excited about a race.

Yesterday, I found out there is a chapter of Girls on the Run in the county next to mine. From the content on their website, it sounds like they are just getting started.

I found myself getting excited again, imagining myself becoming a running buddy for a young girl in the program, or helping the program set up their first 5K. I was fantasizing about volunteering.

This feeling of excitement helped me get through the day.

But for some reason, I am kind of embarrassed about it.

I am kind of embarassed about being hopeful!

What a weird reaction. I am attributing it to my natural skepticism. Inside me, a voice says, “Yeah, it sounds like a really cool program. But maybe on Saturday you’ll find out it’s totally lame and a big waste of time!”

I can’t go to the race feeling that way, so I am going to continue to be excited, positive and upbeat about it. I am going to continue to look forward to it, and hope that I’ve found a good organization I may like to give some of my time to. I’ll let you know how it goes!

Comments (8)

By kilax, November 12, 2008 9:29 pm

During the summer I lived in Rome by myself, I spent a long weekend visiting a classmate who was working in London (July 15-17 in the archives).

I arrived on Friday while he was still at work. The first thing I did when I got into the airport was go into a shop and stock up on snacks. Then when I arrived in the city, I did the same thing. I walked to the British Museum, eating all of my snacks along the way. After leaving the museum, I stopped and sat in a park, and had some more snacks. I later meet up with him to tour his office and have dinner.

I was constantly absorbed with thoughts of when the next time I would get to eat would be. I was not hungry at all, but that was the only thought I could concentrate on. It was like that in Rome too. I was in an office, around coworkers all day, and felt like I could never eat the things I wanted in the office. I waited until my hour long lunch break to run to the stores and stuff my face silly. Sometimes I would go to a regular grocery store, a bakery and a gelateria. All during an hour!

My friend and I spent all day that Saturday exploring London with another friend of his. We went to a few parks, museums, shops. It was a surprisingly beautiful day.

What was even more surprising to me that day, was that I did not spend every moment thinking about food, or when I would get to have something to eat. I was genuinely enjoying the day, and the thoughts of food were gone. I felt hunger again.

That situation was a real eye-opener for me. Even that day, I remember saying “I forgot to eat! I need to get a snack!” I actually felt light headed. Instead of feeling stuffed and uncomfortable like I always did, I actually was experiencing real hunger.

Thinking back on it, I realize that I was eating so much when I was in Rome because I was lonely. At first it wasn’t like that – the first half of my summer there went really well. I was eating well, exploring, and volunteering. But something changed in me. I think I started to feel true loneliness for the first time, but I didn’t know what emotion it was.

It was so dumb, because I couldn’t figure it out when it was happening. I couldn’t figure out why I was eating so much. I think I was just stuffing my face to forget the fact that I didn’t have any close family or friends around.

Anyway, I thought about this a lot yesterday and today. Yesterday I went out to lunch with two people. I had a weird panic during lunch that caused me to scarf down my salad and eat a lot more bread than I normally would have. Then I spent the rest of lunch sitting there anxiously, thinking about what more I could eat when I got back to the office. It was the same feeling I had been having all the time in Rome. I got back to the office and ate and ate and ate. I did NOT stop the binge this time.

Today, I went out to lunch and it was a completely different situation. I felt comfortable, was able to eat slowly, and enjoy the conversation, as well as my food.

What was different between the two days? My emotions. Yesterday I felt on edge, uncomfortable, and nervous with the people I was with. Today I felt at ease, happy and calm.

It’s too bad that yesterday’s lunch made me have this reaction. But it also taught me something about myself – that I have a tendency to overeat when I am feeling uncomfortable, and that it is easy for it to spiral out of control.

Identifying what is making me uncomfortable is the key to tackling it. I know what it is now, so I am able to work against it. I just have to remember to do that in the future – identify my emotions first. Before I start eating.

There’s no point in being upset about it. Today was a new day. A much better day! Yeah, I probably won’t lose any weight this week, but so what? I still ran 2.5 miles tonight and it felt great. I am still the lightest I have been in the last 4 years. One (or two or three) bad days isn’t going to kill me.

Comments (10)

By kilax, November 9, 2008 5:45 pm

I just want to have a normal relationship with food. I do NOT want to:

• Spend my days counting calories.
• Feel guilty every weekend for eating more than I do on weekdays.
• Feel anxious about eating out.
• Feel anxious about eating in public.
• Feel anxious about eating ALL THE TIME.
• Worry I will regain all of the weight I have lost.
• Worry I will stop caring about myself again.

Someone please tell me this is possible. Because right now, I feel like I spend so much of my time thinking about eating/health/weight loss it is sickening.

I’ve been spending my weekends and free time searching for other weight loss and health blogs on the internet for inspiration. I now have a folder of 50+ of them in google reader. I’ve found so many cool people going through the same thing I am (there are a few that I would love to recommend – Escape from Obesity, Morgan Gets Thin, Perfect in our Imperfections, Coming Clean: Tales of a Disordered Eater), but I worry that I am being too obsessive. I worry I am thinking about being healthy too much and not living my life.

I’m reading another “food and health” book – Intuitive Eating. Yes, another one. I saw this book recommended in quite a few places. I always read these books with a grain of salt… but I am still picking them up and reading them. I guess I am hoping for some revolutionary insight? I already know I overeat when stressed/anxious/bored. Someone please just reprogram me so I don’t do that anymore.

This book is an anti-diet book that focuses on getting back to “intuitive eating” – basically listening to hunger cues and following that instead of a diet.

Well, I’ve never followed a diet, but I do have internal rules for myself about eating. Maybe, just maybe, I can learn to have a normal relationship with food. How many posts have I ended saying that?

Why I am feeling so stressed/anxious/nervous/restless all the time? When will this go away?! When?!

Comments (18)

By kilax, November 6, 2008 5:03 pm

I keep little serving size containers of snacks in my drawer at work. It’s mostly carbohydrates – triscuits, barbara’s bakery shredded oats, pretzels, sometimes a granola bar or animal crackers. The idea is that these snacks are there to supplement my hunger if I need them in the afternoon. I try to eat fruit, vegetables, and sometimes dairy products before I resort to these snacks so I don’t overload on carbs.

I’m finding it is both beneficial and harmful to always have a snack there.

It’s beneficial because I am always prepared – if I am unexpectedly hungry, I know I have something small and somewhat healthy that will tide me over until I get home for dinner. I don’t have to leave my office in search for a “healthy snack.” Sometimes, that is hard to find!

It’s harmful because I know the snacks are always there. Sometimes, I will start thinking about a snack, when I am not even hungry, and my mouth will start watering. It’s really hard then, to tell myself “no,” when I want it so badly.

I’ve tried only bringing one snack at a time, but that always turns out to be the day I am hungry for more. And it’s more convenient to bring a bunch of them in at once so I don’t have to carry one every day.

I’ve been really stressed out lately. Stressed out about things I don’t want to discuss here, right now.

Yesterday, around 4:00 pm, all of the stress got to me. I was trying to prepare for a meeting and was having a hard time getting the documents I needed from someone. I started eating my snacks. One by one, until they were all gone, and I had reached my day’s goal of calorie intake! I wasn’t eating the snacks mindfully, I was shoveling and barely chewing.

After I was done with my snacks, I felt the urge to keep snacking. I was worried and scared. I hadn’t felt that urge in a long time – the urge to stuff my face until I got sick of it. I used to have that urge everyday! I wondered if something was changing in me – if all of my good eating habits were going down the drain.

I went downstairs to our building’s convenience store, searching for something to munch on. I knew, in my mind, that I was just frustrated and stressed out. I thought about the emotional eating book, and the fact that I was just trying to brush aside those feelings and focus on something soothing.

But I didn’t care. So I kept searching for something to eat, and finally settled on a package of pop tarts. Do you know how many calories are in a package of pop tarts? At least 400! I even thought about that, but still took the package back to my office.

Then, I got back to my desk. And put the pop tarts in my drawer. And thought about how I wanted to eat dinner with Steven and exercise afterward. And how I was going to feel really crappy if I ate those stupid pop tarts.

I decided not to eat them. Before I left, I put them in the kitchen for someone else to have.

So why is this story so long and drawn out and even worth telling? Because it is a BIG DEAL that I did not eat those pop tarts, and fall into one of my binge eating patterns. I think if I would have eaten them, I would have had something else to eat on the train, then snacked on some stuff at home before Steven got there, then had dinner with him, then snacked some more afterward.

Usually, I can’t stop once I start. But this time I did.

And I don’t think this stress is going to go away, so I have to remember I have the power to say “no” to mindless eating. I know this may sound silly and dumb for those of you who do not struggle with this, but mindless eating has always been a huge problem for me.

Do you keep snacks at work? Do you find it beneficial or harmful? Do you “mindlessly” eat them?

Comments (11)

By kilax, November 5, 2008 5:37 am

A bad runner’s habit of mine is skipping the post-race awards ceremony. I’ve only stayed once – the time my mom, sister and aunt came to watch us. And I am not sure what made us stay then.

As soon as I finished running this past Sunday, I was ready to go home. I felt really sick. And I didn’t think my time was that good. And I was a bit disappointed in myself. Just a bit.

I searched the internet tonight to find Steven’s score for him… and found out that I placed first in my age bracket (AND that 16 seconds got added on to my score?!?!). First out of two people, but first nonetheless.

Guess I should have stuck around to hear my name called for once.

I need to make more of an effort to stick around just to cheer others on, and participate in the running community. It’s time to be less selfish about running… I do it for my health, but it’s not just about me when I am at a race!

Dammit. I feel stupid.

Comments (13)

By kilax, November 2, 2008 12:10 pm

5K #3 – The Red Ribbon Race in Lake Forest, IL.

This race supports LEAD (Linking Efforts Against Drugs) – a local area “organization dedicated to parents and other adults and their role in the promotion of healthy family relationships and the prevention of alcohol and other drug use and risky behavior by youth.”

Our sweaty “after race” faces!

I just realized I never tell you guys what the races we run are actually benefiting. Honestly – and this is going to sound really, really bad – I usually run them to benefit me, and my health. The fact that my entry fee goes to support something else is basically a plus. There have been a few races that support causes I really wanted to run, but haven’t worked out with my schedule.

There is one race that I am really excited about though – the wondergirl 5K sponsored by Girls on the Run, on November 15 in Bridgeview, IL. This organization supports running for girls. Check out this description from their website:

The bi-annual WonderGirl 5k is the culmination of the Girls on the Run-Chicago 10-week season each spring and fall. More than 1000 young girls aged 8-13 will celebrate their “girl power” by running 3.1 miles together with their parents, teachers, and community members.

Girls on the Run-Chicago is a non-profit after school program for 3rd through 8th grade girls. We use running to help prepare girls for a lifetime of self respect and healthy living. The character-building program focuses on building self-esteem, confidence and improving physical and emotional health. Over the course of a 12-week season our volunteer coaches teach life-skills lesson such as handling bullies, dealing with body image and the media, making healthy decisions and contributing to the community. Along the way, the girls train together to run in a 5k (3.1 mile) run, the WonderGirl 5k.

I read about this in a magazine and wanted to look up when the organization was racing in Chicago, and forgot about it until today – there was a flier for it in our race packet! The race sounds like it will be crazy, but a lot of fun. I love the idea of running a race that supports a group like this. If I had a daughter (or a son!), I like to think we would run it together. I am wondering if I can convince a fellow blogger to run this with me… (yeah, diane, I am talking to you! Maybe we can convince Tori to join us?)

I’m surprised I am even thinking about another 5K right now. Today’s was not so great for me. Steven did very well. He finished in under 26:00 minutes. We will have to look up his time when the scores go up this week (can you believe he didn’t look when he crossed the line?!). I finished at 27:04, 4 seconds slower than last time.

We did a great first mile – an 8-minute mile! I kept repeating in my head “You feel good. You feel good. You feel good.” And I generally did feel good, I just can’t figure out my breathing lately.

About half way through, I started to get a really bad stomach pain, like I was going to throw up. “You feel good” turned into “Keep running, you can do this!” and “Ignore the pain.” I didn’t have the watery taste in my mouth (that one you get before throwing up), but my stomach just didn’t feel right.

Steven went ahead of me (obviously) and I am happy he did. I could see him up ahead and I was thinking about how proud I was of him for running so hard. It didn’t bother me that we split. I don’t think we would split up on a longer race, but on a 5K it’s no big deal.

I sprinted the last .1 mile to try to beat my last time, but it just didn’t happen. Oh well. Now I just want to figure out why I have this stomach pain. My stomach still hurts right now, as I am typing.

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy… JUST KIDDING!

I don’t think the pain is any big deal. I just want to figure my body out – what to eat before a race, how to breathe, how to pace myself. Blah blah blah. I signed us up for a subscription to Runner’s World. There are a lot of good tips in there. I think I will be doing a lot of searching on the internet too.

Comments (15)

By kilax, November 1, 2008 7:04 pm

I actually have good news about my goal to eat slower.

I’ve been consciously putting my fork down between bites, chewing slowly and thoughtfully, and waiting to pick up the fork and get a small bite AFTER my mouth is empty.

And it’s been working! I’ve noticed my meals are lasting longer, and I feel full sooner.

I didn’t realize it until I started working on this, but I had been basically shoveling food into my mouth. Now, when I reach for more food, I actually stop myself and wait until I am done chewing. It sounds dumb, but it is really helping.

The other day, Steven finished his meal at Subway before me. This never happens. But this time, I was eating slow and really talking a lot.

So Steven is sitting there, waiting for me to finish and says, “Is there a speed somewhere between fast and… that?”

Ha ha.

Remember my other goal, actually, goals, from the beginning of the month? Let’s revisit them. I’ll cross out the ones that I accomplished:

• I posted here every day That kind of happened
• I finished drawing the sketch of a friend’s home based on measurements I took in… June – I didn’t do this, and still feel guilty
• I actually opened the LEED book I borrowed from my father-in-law last winter and READ it
• I gave Steven the photoshop lessons I’ve been promising him – guilty about this too
• I wrote a letter to my friend Rixa, who lives in Rome – working on this today!
• I finally visited my new nephew! (We plan on it)
• I ran another 5k (with Steven)
• I got rid of some of the jiggle in my butt and thighs – But not through toning, just through exercise
  
• I lost ten pounds

So I guess writing goals down may or may not be an effective method for me!

Comments (20)

By kilax, October 29, 2008 5:44 am

Do you ever take blurbs like this seriously when you read them in magazines? (This is from the November issue of InStyle – I know, I need to find better sources for this stuff!)

I usually don’t, but this one caught my attention – they are taking smack about my beloved soy!

Okay, seriously, I do eat at least one serving of soy each day. Sometimes two! And I did forget to send my parents their anniversary card this year.*

Okay, I can’t take it seriously.

But this made me want to ask, do any of you eat soy products? Ever? Do non-vegetarians eat soy products on a regular basis? What a dumb question to ask, but I am wondering, because most restaurants and manufacturers (like Boca, Gardenburger, Morningstar, etc.) promote soy products as “nutritious,” as well as being vegetarian. These products are promoted as a “healthy alternative.” But I’ve always wondered if anyone eats them… besides us vegetarians!

*I am in charge of two things at home “Sentiment Manager” – keeping track of birthdays, anniversaries and holidays so we can send cards, gifts, etc. and “Scent Manager” – purchasing good- smelling things for the house (candles and wallflowers from Yankee Candle). We joke that I am in charge of things that begin with “s(c)ent.”

Comments (12)

By kilax, October 26, 2008 7:04 am

Last night, Steven (and I) made homemade veggie patties.

They took about 45 minutes to make. We had to chop up carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, green onion, zucchini and celery, then add spices to that mix and saute it all in a pan. We eventually mixed in some flour until it got to the right consistency, then took it all out to form into patties and cook like normal veggie burgers.

Voila!

Every time I spend a lot of time in the kitchen cooking something (okay, helping Steven cook something, I am only a sous chef, afterall), I think about how fast I eat. Last night was no different. Even though the pattie was big, and a little bit squishy and falling apart… I still scarfed it down. We had our veggie patties with fresh broccoli, and I ate it all so fast, I got a little bit of an upset stomach.

Okay, I don’t just think about this problem when something takes a long time to prepare. I think about it a lot. And have probably mentioned it before.

No matter where I am, no matter what I am eating, I scarf it down. I eat so fast, I am usually the first one done. I have to consciously try to eat slow in restaurants with friends so I don’t finish too soon and feel like an idiot.

I’ve read all the tips on how to slow down while eating:

• Eat at the dining room table
• Use a fork and knife
• Put your silverware down between each bite
• Chew each bite 30 times before swallowing
• Don’t put more food into your mouth until it’s empty
• Chat to others at the table
• Turn off the tv/computer while eating
• Pay attention to the taste and texture while you’re eating
• Avoid eating on the run
• Eat foods that require some work
• Use chopsticks!

But even though I know all of these tricks, I don’t follow them. Even though I sit down at every meal, thinking “Today’s going to be the day! I am going to have a nice, long, slow meal!” – it never is.

I know the benefits of eating slower. I wouldn’t get an upset stomach (although that rarely happens). I might eat less, because my stomach figures out I am full sooner than normal. I might enjoy the food.

I might actually develop a normal relationship with food!

If I don’t approach each meal acting like it is going to be my last, I may be able to take away some of the power that food has over me. I might eat for enjoyment. I might eat to fuel my body.

This has been a problem I’ve had all my life. Somehow, I feel like now, I can tackle it and overcome it. I would love to sit down at Thanksgiving dinner with a plate full of delicious food, taking small bites and savoring each one (and maybe not going back for seconds!).

I’ll let you know how it all goes.

Comments (13)

By kilax, October 21, 2008 10:12 pm

During the summer, when Steven and I were participating in a bowling league, we got into the habit of eating at a specific Subway each league night. We really like the guy who works at this Subway. He always smiles, asks us how we were doing, and makes a good sandwich (he doesn’t skimp on the ingredients!)

We haven’t been to this Subway in awhile. We decided to stop tonight, and the conversation started with the normal, “Hey guys, how are you doing?” along with asking our orders.

Then, while our veggie patties were cooking, he said to me, “You look different.”

I stood there, wondering what was going to come out of his mouth next.

“You look skinny!”

I said, “Thanks. We’ve been running.” Then we started to joke about how there would be “no more Subway cookies” for me.

I really appreciated him noticing. It’s nice when people notice, and say something. And not just about weight loss – about anything – a job well done, a favor you did, a nice outfit, etc. It’s always nice to receive compliments/praise.

Anyway, this reminded me of something I’ve been thinking about. And that is… are people more likely to notice a change in someone else’s weight if they haven’t seen them in a long time/don’t see them on a daily basis?

This may be a shallow thing to think about, but I’ve just been wondering. I barely even notice a change in my weight, unless I look at before and after photos. Yeah, I feel different, but I don’t notice the day to day changes. So, do you think the people you see on a regular basis notice any change? Or do you think it takes them a long time to realize you look different?

Please don’t misinterpret me on this. I am not asking because I expect more comments from other people, I am asking because I tend not to notice subtle changes in others; only the big changes. Unless I haven’t seen them for quite some time. Then I notice.