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By kilax, March 13, 2012 4:55 am

Seeing articles about how last weekend was the last one for outdoor ice skating in Chicago bummed me out. I don’t think anyone is going to relate to this, but I kind of missed having snow and cold weather this winter. I feel like we had such a weird limbo winter… I think it has to do with my funky mood. The whole “not dealing well with things not going how you expect them to” issue.

I didn’t get to snowshoe once this “winter.”

Or ice skate.

Am I the only one who missed having a proper miserable winter?

Probably. If you answer no, that you missed it too, you need help. Like me.

Now that it’s getting so warm, it’s making me worry about summer’s fast approach. And running in the heat. And wearing swimsuits. Ahh!!!

Since it’s likely no one will relate to that babble, maybe you can relate to this (frustration). I arrived in NYC last night and was checking my work email, when I saw one that said I had to wear pants tomorrow. I could not get on the building site with a skirt. Guess who only brought a skirt? Guess who thought about packing pants and didn’t? Guess who is borrowing a pair of pants from Gina?! Thanks for saving my butt, Gina!

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By kilax, February 9, 2012 4:43 am

Some of these bullets turned in to downer bullets (kind of funny after the last post). That is not a reflection of my actual mood!

• My head was in outer space last week, and I accidentally sent back our unopened Netflix DVD without realizing it (I thought it was one we had already watched). I was bummed on Friday night when I found out we didn’t get to watch Contagion since I sent it back. Duh. Has anyone else ever sent back their unopened Netflix movie by accident?
• We did get to watch Contagion on Tuesday night (Netflix sent it back to us). 
• Speaking of movies, Erin had a really fun idea for a rating system if I start to do movie reviews here. Maybe I will work on that at the end of the month!
• In case Monday was not already bad enough (after the canceled trip fiasco), I decided to ruin my phone by spilling a bottle of water on my wallet, which my phone was in. Oops. Actually, this doesn’t bother me too much – I was feeling anti-social anyway. The only bad part is that my phone was my MP3 player!
• The good news – I did take the canceled trip as a cue to take it easy and did not schedule any extra lunches, or evening plans this week. I have felt like I’ve had more free time. 
• Binge free February did not start out so well. I am really struggling and don’t like talking about it. I actually bought a food journal – something that has never worked for me in the past, but I am willing to give it another try! The journal came yesterday. It has a huge instruction section with weight loss tips, and it even comes with “stickers to conceal that you are using a diet journal” (see cover sticker that says that). I find the stickers very humorous. 

• Kind of related: I thought this article on mindful eating and Buddhism to be interesting. Put  your fork down between bites, think about what you are eating – so simple, but hard for me.
• Did I mention I have an assistant at work? But only when I work from home:

• What do you guys think of my “Random Thoughts Thursday” posts? This is just where I put all the little ideas that don’t deserve a whole post… but then it does get quite long!

Link Love:

• I loved Maggie’s post yesterday – “I’m Doing This For Me” – about the people in her life who question her running (is she running too much/why does she run so much/does she have time to run/etc.?!). Lately I have talked to a lot of people who are getting these types of comments about their running. It always surprises me when people are not happy for you when you tell them you are exercising.
• Gina finished the C25K program and can run for three whole miles! Check out her post here. I am so proud of Gina!!!

Other Random Thoughts Thursday Posts: IX, VIII, VII, VI, V, IV, III, II, I.

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By kilax, February 8, 2012 5:14 am

According to this obvious Chicago Tribune article on Facebook, if you have a low self-esteem/a negative self-image, then mostly posting “glum, pessimistic status updates” on Facebook will push others away.

Seems obvious, right?

This article made me think of my post on online identities (and also about how happy Facebook pictures making you sad), because the study recommends for people who “lack self-confidence” to “accentuate the positive”:

“We do not advocate being inauthentic,” the authors write. But if social networkers who lack self-confidence want to use Facebook to get around their social anxieties, they might want to accentuate the positive. “Rather than posting phony positive updates, [those with low self-esteem] might try sharing more of the positive things that do happen to them, and try being selective about what negative things they post.”

They also point out that people who think positively of themselves and post “discouraged, sad or angry” statuses from time to time, are “swarmed with expressions of comfort and support.” And that people who think negatively of themselves, but post something upbeat, they are “similarly rewarded with electronic expressions of friendship.”

Four thoughts came to my mind when I read this article:

1. People who are moody (or lacking self esteem) in real life are going to be that way on Facebook too. Their Facebook friends probably already know this. Let them be themselves.
2. If someone is always moody in real life, I will probably avoid them (this is not to say I won’t be kind to a someone who has self-esteem issues, but I am not going to purposefully spend my time with someone who is not fun to be around). So yeah, if they act that way all the time on Facebook, I will avoid them there too.
3. Let’s not confuse sarcasm with pessimism.
4. This article seems to imply that people are trying to make friends on Facebook. And that you should post upbeat/optimistic status updates to do so. Who is trying to make NEW friends on Facebook? Really – anyone? I use it to connect to people I already know or have met, and share information. In MWF Skeeing BFF, the author quotes a Times interview from 2007 where Mark Zuckerberg says that Facebook was never intended to help create new friends – it’s about “making communication more efficient between existing friends.” Of course, that was 5 years ago, so who knows what the intent of Facebook is now.

What kind of Facebook statuses turn you off? Do you notice anyone who is particularly negative all the time?

Do you regularly post status updates? About what?

I rarely post Facebook status updates. It’s not my thing. I am more likely to write something short and post it here.

I wanted to link to this post by TooTallFritz – where she emphasizes she would rather have people be real online about their struggles in life, rather than saying everything is all good, all the time. I think I tend to agree. You are more relatable if you are real. Share the good and the bad. 

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By kilax, January 25, 2012 4:38 am

Or both?

I feel like I am getting buried at work, and the more I do to dig a hole out for myself, the more I get piled on. It doesn’t seem to matter if I come in early, work on the weekends, or stay late – I can’t get caught up.

I feel stressed. I’ve been talking to my favorite coworker about it, my close friends, and of course, Steven. There is nothing I can do but go through tasks one by one. So I do. And I try not to spaz. In the long run, this all won’t matter. It’s just hard not to get worked up about it when I am in the moment. 

When I finally got a chance to look at google reader yesterday, I saw this article titled “When Stress is Good For You.” How appropriate! The article goes over what physically happens in our bodies when we are stressed.

The body has a standard reaction when it faces a task where performance really matters to goals or well-being: The sympathetic nervous system and the hypothalamus, pituitary and adrenal glands pump stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol, into the bloodstream. Heartbeat and breathing speed up, and muscles tense.

How you react to that determines whether stress is harmful or helpful:

• If your blood vessels constrict, your blood pressure will rise, and may feel dizzy as your heart beats irratically (HARMFUL).
• If your blood vessels dilate, blood flow to the brain increases and you feel a surge of energy, similar to getting pumped when you work out (HELPFUL).

You know, I never thought of the physiological aspects of stress. I always just thought of my mental panic. I didn’t think that stress could actually be good for me. This article suggests that you can have some control over whether you feel harmful or helpful stress, by practicing thinking positively, deep breathing, meditating, and regulating your mental and physical states. You know, all those things you know you are supposed to do but forget about in the heat of the moment. 

The article even mentioned that:

Many workplace wellness programs have also begun coaching people to hit “the optimal performance zone”—with enough stress “to be stimulating, to focus you, to challenge you” without taking a physical toll.

Well, that sure sounds nice!

I keep bringing this up over and over (work stress), but it is my way of dealing with it. I hope I have a reason to quit talking about it soon.

Do you most often feel helpful or harmful stress?

Do you perform well when you stressed?

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By kilax, January 5, 2012 5:13 am

Can you all tell I have had time to catch up on old magazine articles over the holidays?

Somehow I ended up with a subscription to Whole Living. It’s obviously related to the relay triathlon I did last summer because it comes addressed to Team One Leg at a Time – our team name. I am just not sure why I get it. But… I actually really like it! There are lots of neat vegetarian and vegan recipes in each issue, lots of eco friendly stuff, and tons on life balance. I actually hope I continue to receive it in the mail.

So here we go. There was a interesting article about willpower in the Jan/Feb issue (click here to read) that I highly recommend! Like the article first says, I did think willpower was just something I don’t have. Why else can’t I stop eating chips and salsa, or impulsively signing up for races?

But the whole point of the article is that we all use willpower every day, and our ability to access it is much within our control. We can’t only look at when we think we “lack” willpower (drinking too much, eating too much, snapping at our spouse), but we have to think about all the “right” decisions we make too – working on a project in advance of its due date, working out instead of sitting on the couch, paying bills on time… you get the idea. The article is saying that instead of thinking about willpower as “forcing yourself to do things you don’t want to do,” think of it as “having the strength or willingness to do what matters most to you.”

Silly, but that kind of blew my mind because I was always in the “I have no willpower” and “willpower’s only use is to make me stop eating cookies” camp. Thinking about using it each day, for multiple things, is a very new thought to me… now I just have to think about what matters most to me.

I wanted to share the four willpower “facts” from the article because they were all news to me (don’t you love it when you read a magazine and feel like you aren’t reading some regurgitated crap you’ve seen before? That must be why I like this mag – I’ve never had one like it). Most of this is taken word for word, so credit goes to the article (well, for this whole post, really).

1. We’re wired for it – willpower is not strictly mental – it has a physiological basis, much like the “fight-or-flight” response in moments of stress. Willpower comes in the form of “pause and plan,” however – it does not kick in as fast as flight-or-fight because it is not related to immediate survival. It’s trickier to notice, but it is an instinct we all have.
2. It fluctuates – we have a limited amount of willpower. Willpower requires glucose (energy stores your brain draws on) – and we probably all know we don’t make our best decisions when we are hungry. “Every decision that is not habitual – choosing from 20 bottles of shampoo at the store – uses willpower.” “It taxes the system at a very low level.” After we use our willpower, we have to refuel and restrengthen. Also – no one has perfect self-control on the time! So be easy on yourself, and work on strengthening your willpower (they gave 7 exercises which you can see in the link).
3. Guilt doesn’t work– labeling your actions as “bad” can lead to self-sabotage. Creating guilt and shame, and remorsing over what you did, can lead you right back in to doing it again. On the other side of the spectrum – don’t be overconfident about good behavior. Psychologists calls this “moral licensing” – when we think we’ve succeeded at something, and reward ourselves, but the reward reverts us back to old behaviors.
4. There are three parts. The three types of willpower are “‘I will’ power: the ability to do something we don’t want to do because it’s good for us. ‘I won’t’ power: the ability to stay away from things that are bad for us, and ‘I want’ power: making decisions based on goals.” “People can be strong in one area, but not others.” “The secret to changing habits lies in paying attention to all three of the powers.”

Then the article included seven ways to build self-discipline. I thought they were so-so, but you can see them in the link.

But wow. I thought there were so many cool tidbits in this article. Like the “pause and plan” reflex. I need that to be my new motto! And the idea that we are using willpower all the time to make decisions. And the “moral licensing”… and the three types. These are all very new ideas to me that I am exited to think about!

What is your view on willpower? Do you view it like I did, or do you think more in line with the article? Where are you strong in willpower and where do you need improvement?

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By kilax, January 3, 2012 5:36 am

I was reading this interesting article (click link to read) about empathy in the December issue of SELF, and it really got me thinking about a few things. The focus of the article was about how empathy is declining, but that being empathetic not only makes you happier, but makes you more successful at work. And the article went in to a few ways to increase your empathy. 

The whole article was interesting to me, but the first thing that really stood out was the paragraph on how we may be becoming less empathetic because of technology:

Except, as a society, we seem to be getting less empathy practice than we used to—and technology may be to blame. In the Michigan study, the decline in empathy test scores was especially sharp after the year 2000, which is when Friendster, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter came on the scene. To Konrath, that’s no coincidence. “Spending so much time interacting online could certainly change our ability to empathize,” she says. “When you see someone face to face, you get multiple signals—you hear her voice, note the movement of her eyes, take in her posture,” she says. But on Facebook, it’s tough to know how others are really feeling, not least because you rarely see the whole truth. (We’re all familiar with “friends” who use the medium to constantly trumpet how fabulous their life is.) At times, it can seem as if social media is more about creating a perfectly polished image than making a genuine connection. “It’s not that Facebook itself is going to somehow rot our capacity for empathy,” Konrath says. “It’s that it doesn’t require us to use much of it.” So after a while, if you spend more of your hours online, your instinct for reading others falls off. If you don’t use it, you could lose it.

So, the more time we spend interacting with people online, the less practice we get being empathetic in person. Sure, that makes sense. We shouldn’t be hermits. And online identities are often heavily edited* – we can’t trust our perception of their face value. 

What do you think – does your online interaction with people affect how you relate to people in real life?

Another thing that stood out to me was that “empathy is the glue that keeps all relationships humming: friends who are skilled at understanding each other are less likely to have conflicts and are better at resolving them when they do happen.” When you make an effort to understand where the other person is coming from and feel for that, it opens up communication, you’re less judgmental, and strengthens the relationship (according to the article). They talked about how crucial this is in marriage – agreed!

Also, the article talked about how being more empathetic makes you happier, and why the higher ups at work don’t seem to be empathetic (didn’t you always want to know?) and how important empathy is in the work environment. 

This article was kind of all over the place, and this post definitely is too. Please read the article (link above) if you are interested! But I do want to ask  – how empathetic are you?

I’ve noticed that I start out quite empathetic with people. But the more I learn about them, the more or less empathetic I come. For example (and we all have this person in our lives) – I know someone who is irresponsible and continually makes bad decisions, yet has the “the world is after me” attitude. No it’s not, honey. You need to grow the eff up. And there it is <– a lack of empathy. When crappy things happen to that person, I have such a hard time forgetting their crappy personality and feeling empathy for them. I think “Karma, baby. You get what you deserve.” How awful is that?

On the other hand, I do have many friendships where I’ve have gotten to know someone more and more that I just really feel for everything that happens to them. Their sadness is my sadness. Their joy is my joy. If they are uneasy, I am too. It’s pretty amazing that you can be that close with someone! And the article is right – that amount of empathy does make me happy, and feel good. Not exactly in the moments of sadness and unease, but when I thinking “Wow, I really connect with this person.”

*This could really be an entire blog post in it’s own, but I am feeling lazy, so I will add it down here! There was also an interesting blurb in this magazine about “FOMO” – the fear of missing out. Click here to read it. Basically, it says “we tend to show an upbeat version of ourselves online, leaving out the bad parts.” So when you go online and see everyone is doing all these fun things, you have the fear of missing out. But you have to remember that other people may only be showing their “idea selves” online, and not to let yourself get down because you aren’t feeling as merry. Also, it says make your own plans with friends if you are feeling left out! Honestly, I was passing on invites during the holidays because I had too much to do! But I did see posts of many parties on Facebook and in blogs, so I can see why people might feel this way. 

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By kilax, January 29, 2011 7:28 am

I read an interesting and brief article this morning on the WSJ about defriending (“Why I Defriend the Old-Fashioned Way“), and how the author thinks it is a cowardly thing to do on Facebook. He thinks defriending should be a “face-to-face,” or at least performed in an honest, straight-forward manner. He says that when you defriend someone on Facebook, they don’t know if it’s because of something they did, or just because you were purging your friend list. I suppose that’s true.

The author even (sarcastically) mentions Dunbar’s number (which I talked about last January) – the idea that human beings can only handle 150 relationships at a time, and your brain cannot handle anymore than that. That’s probably also true.

However, people amass so many Facebook friends, that I think getting defriended on Facebook is quite a bit different than ending a relationship in real life. For example, awhile ago I was reading a friend’s Facebook status and saw a mutual friend had commented on it. “Oh,” I thought, “I haven’t seen what mutual friend is up to in awhile! I’ll click on her name and check out her Facebook page.”

Access denied.

Yeah. I was defriended. And it wasn’t because I did anything. It was a mutual friend that I barely knew (and through the internet, nonetheless).  The mutual friend was probably just purging their list, and decided to take me off. And that is fine. I didn’t mind at all. I found it funny, in fact.

Of course, I wouldn’t recommend defriending your actual close friends, it’s just that Facebook is a somewhat different beast than real life relationships.

From here

So, how do you defriend in real life? That is something that had evaded me. You know, all of these “Start Fresh in the New Year!” articles advise on ending toxic relationships, but how? How do you say to a friend, “I am sick of your bullsh*t and need to end our relationship. You bring me more stress than happiness.” You would have to have a lot of balls to say something like that. I imagine most people just slowly cut back on communication. And maybe defriend on Facebook. Ha.

In fact, this article “How Do You Break Up With a Friend?” doesn’t have many great suggestions – they say to avoid the friend, ignore them (?), and only have a true heart-to-heart if they are a close friend. And even then, maybe just write a one-sided email. Hmm. In the end the article says that letting nature take its course might take care of it as well.

I haven’t had to break up with any friends. I don’t have the luxury of having that many friends! But I find this all very interesting.

Have you ever been defriended on Facebook? How did that make you feel? Or have you be the “defriend-er”? Have you ever broken off a friendship in real life?

The winner of the Magnetic Photo Frame Giveaway is J! J, please email me your mailing address, and I will send the frames your way!

Comments (19)

By kilax, December 18, 2010 5:38 am

I want to be able to bend like that. ^^^

Steven and I saw Black Swan last night. I have always* had a crush on Natalie Portman, and will see any movie she’s in (either in the theater or on DVD), no matter how good (The Professional, V for Vendetta, Brothers) or bad (Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, Garden State). Steven thinks it’s ridiculous that I would want to see a movie just because she is in it, but surely, I am not the only one who does that…

Do you ever see movies just because a certain actor is in it (or rather, does your interest to see a movie ever start because of a certain actor?)? Which actor?

The movie was very interesting and well done. I think it deserves all of the rave reviews it’s getting. It tells the dark story of Nina Sayers, who wants to be the perfect ballerina, but struggles with her inner demons and obsessive personality. Actually, there are many parallels to her ballet career and my running career – we both strive to be perfect, the best!

Ha! I am totally kidding! Big time!

Anyway, everyone has very different taste in movies, but I wanted to say that I enjoyed this one. It made me want to go to the ballet (never been). And I had to appreciate the work that went in to the movie. Portman took ballet until she was in her early teens (I think) then started practicing for this movie a year in advance. Portman and Mila Kunis both lost about 20 pounds each to play these roles.

Speaking of weight, did you see that blurb this week about New York City Ballet dancer Jenifer Ringer? A New York Times critic wrote a review of her work as the Sugar Plum Fairy in “The Nutcracker,” saying she “looked as if she’d eaten one sugar plum too many.” The remark is very interesting, considering she looks extremely slim to me. The Today Show did an interview with Ringer, and I think she is very well posed:

The original blurb I read is here.

I normally don’t talk about weight/size/etc., but wow, I have to say, Ringer does not look plump to me at all. Of course, I know NOTHING about ballet.

Before she played Queen Amidala in Star Wars.

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By kilax, October 6, 2010 5:08 am

I have a very weird skill of remembering exact dates of events. For example, when Steven says “when did we go skiing in Colorado?” I start to think of significant dates nearby and instantly remember that it was on Valentine’s Day/President’s Day weekend in February of 2009.

It works that way with any other event – I remember significant* dates around it and picture a calendar in my head until I figure it out.

Steven, however, is not very good at remembering dates, so I am in charge of birthdays/anniversaries/etc. I just read an interesting article about a very small study that showed people remember birthdays closest to their own. This is an example of the “self-reference effect” in memory, which makes memories you relate to easier to remember.

I think this might be true for Steven. He always seems to remember his friend’s/family’s birthdays in months around his (as well as remembering the one friend who has a birthday on Halloween).

Are you good at remembering dates (birthdays, events, etc.)? Do you think you are more likely to remember those closest to your own? Do you think this skill even matters?

Seriously, I do like being able to recall things, but having so much on information on my website, I can look up almost anything there too! And you can see most of your friends’ birthdays on Facebook… so… is there even a point in remembering things?

Speaking of remembering things, today is my nephew’s 6th birthday and my parent’s 31st wedding anniversary! Happy Birthday Nicholas (Nicky)! Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Here’s a picture of Steven with our nephew Nicky. Aww, isn’t Steven great with kids? (???)

And my parents…

Alright mom and dad, new goal – take more photos of you two! Where one of you, ahem, is not making faces. Most of the photos I have of you two look like this:

or this:

*I usually use “significant” dates of holidays, birthday and our engagement as milestones.

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By kilax, August 9, 2010 5:00 am

There was an interesting article about sibling relationships in USA Today last week titled “Having a sister can be good for your emotional health.” The information in the article was not earth-shattering, but it did make a few interesting points:

• Affectionate siblings have positive influences on each other no matter their age, gender, or how many years they are apart.
• Loving brothers and sisters promote behaviors such as kindness and generosity. They also protect against delinquency and depression.
• According to the study, having a sister prevents depression more than having a brother. This may be because girls are better at talking about problems or are more likely to take on a caregiver role.
• The study also found that siblings have twice as much influence than parents over performing good deeds — including volunteering, doing favors for others and being nice to people.
• Siblings who fight can have the opposite effect. Brothers and sisters who exhibit hostility toward each other are more likely to portray aggressive behaviors in other relationships.
• Sibling influence is stronger in families with two parents compared to one. A child with a single parent may become a “parent figure” to a younger sibling, which changes the typical brother or sister role.

So, basically, this is an iteration that we learn from the environment that we grow up in. Again, not earth-shattering, but interesting.

I am nosy curious, tell me about your relationship with your siblings. Did/do you feel any influence from them? Did you get along growing up? Do you now? If you are an only child, do you think you were influenced by your parents or peers more?

And we love polls…

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I have two brothers (older and younger) and a sister (younger). We mostly got along growing up, except for the occasional fight and relentless teasing of my younger sister. I definitely feel like I picked up a lot of cues on how to act from them. Not that we are at all the same person, but we do have some similar traits (hot temper, stubborn, giving, helpful, fun-loving, laid-back, etc.).

This picture is from 2007, but that’s the four of us – Anthony, me, Nick and Christina.

Now we all live completely different lives, so their influence is gone. It’s weird that you live with these people for however many years, and probably interact with them on a day to day basis, then once you move out of the house, you rarely see each other/communicate (and in my situation, that is just because I live in a different state than the three of them – they all still live near our hometown – I wonder what it would be like if I still lived in Iowa).